DP finding stepparenting overwhelming and having new baby

[parapluiepliant]

My partner and I fell madly/badly. I have two DC from previous marriage and we decided to have our own baby together. She is now 3 weeks old.

DP is an older dad - first time parent used to a carefree life. He told me yesterday he's not coping and feels on the edge of a breakdown (although is prone to dramatic outbursts).

I'm protective of my DC (6 and 8) who adore their baby sister and have had to adjust to shared parental responsibility and two homes - their dad has them 50%.

It's too idealistic to expect DP to love them like his own but they're still little and I get angry because I feel DP isn't making enough effort. We're both knackered with new baby and he says he can't cope when my DC are here on their king stretch. I told him they will always be my priority/it's their home etc/he knew I had two children and they have done nothing wrong.

I think bcos I'm already a parent Im expecting him to do more?? I guess it's always a shock as a new dad - he says he feels like he's drowning and needs help. Yet I'm up BF all night and also looking after my other two and want to include them as much as possible.

Whats done is done. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It never ceases to amaze me how many posters will berate and sneer at a poster who has made a choice that cannot be changed.
I hope things work out for you OP.

nope, no deep-seated reasons here, just at the sheer naivety and selfishness with which you conducted your relationship with no thought for anyone else except yourselves.

You introduced your children through facetime and thought that you could all live as a happy family because of that so you started trying for a baby? And you're 41 not teenagers, having already had two children previously you surely know that there are no set answers when it comes to falling pregnant, if you're not using contraception then pregnancy is a possibility. Absolutely no sympathy for the fact you fell pregnant straight away, you planned to get pregnant and your plan paid off. Well done.

No he may well not shape up as a step parent but you are as much if not more to blame for this situation. Your children's emotional wellbeing was on the line and you did nothing to protect it.

You may not like what people have to say here but you made this mess now you have to live with it. Stop putting yourself first and start thinking about your children who didn't ask to be dragged and born into this mess. Have a discussion with your baby's dad as to where you want to go with this relationship, and if it's going nowhere then make the break as painless as possible for all concerned.

I don't think the OP has posted this thread in order to set an example to others not to do as she has done.

I assume she wanted advice as to where to go from here.

No sneering. The first thing you need to do to tackle a problem is to be honest about the causes. If you don't evaluate your mistakes you will repeat them. Its neither useful or honest to tell op that its all his fault and she should do what she wants.

but what your children need is stability, which you haven't been providing.

Thank you for the solidarity purpledaisies and donja

This is not an AIBU thread. I'm baffled by the knee-jerk sneers comments. Suggesting were rowing in front of kids (we're not). Making assumptions about my ex (who you know nothing about and was a terrible husband/role model who left me ££££ in debt and lied about going to work when he couldn't actually pay the mortgage and left out marital home months in arrears whilst assuring me he was paying mortgage. Yep - great bloke. I sorted out the shit for everyone because I had to. Left to him my children would have had no home. So it's dangerous to make assumptions about what he might think. Fuck him frankly.

Secondly - the children adore their baby sister and it has cemented the three of us even more as I've worked very hard to ensure they don't feel left out and it's their sister.

The kids don't know DP can't cope - of course not. They are happier to spend time on their own with 'mummy' and the baby. We have our own routines which sadly DO isn't part of though I gave him ample opportunity. It was an accident to get pregnant so early. But I'd been in such an unhappy marriage for years (loveless and mundane and dull and safe) spending far too many years of my life with a man who was a passive aggressive idiot that I jumped at the chance of real love (thought I through rose tinted).

Does anyone remember the headiness of falling in love? It is documented how it can cause a temporary kind of madness. That's what happened to me. I didn't want to introduce a boyfriend to my children until I was sure it was serious. Pregnancy (what's done is done) did that. I've always worked my arse off to provide for my kids. I get no help and that's how it is.

My children used to say to me 'mummy we want you to have a boyfriend and a baby' bless them - long before I met my DP so they actually think it was their idea. Yes it's complicated and ultimately I will be the one left holding the baby I imagine. The last thing I need (as some posters have intimated) is to worry about what other people think of me. Luckily I have friends who understand we all f* up. This baby was/is wanted. She is loved. My children are loved.
Mots just me who is not being looked after - not my children who know they have a mum and dad who love them.

purple yes your suggest is helpful. And we are doing that - DP is here when it's just me and baby. I don't actually wan him here FT as its too small for all of us. Right now I'm going to step back and concentrate on the three DC's and me. What will be will be.

Please remember those who flamed me - I have a small baby of 3 months - am tired from BF and general sleep drprivation and also trying to sort out this mess. All I wanted was a new start and a happy family which I thought we'd have. That's how it was initially - DP was amazing with my two DC's and I've seen how he can be.

Anyway...I'm done now. I have counselling booked in over the next few weeks and it will be nice to have someone kind to talk to.

BTW

The first line of my last post is a typo. It however emphasises the judgy posts I've had here. (How many people on here are in blended families/divorced/single parents?)

I really do mean thanks to purple and donja

I'm so sorry it turned out this way. Sounds to me like you're building a strong, healthy family unit of four. Kudos to you.

If it's any help, in quite different circumstances, I ended up a single parent with similar age gap between the two older DC and the baby. It worked out fine.

Good luck to you and your three DC.

Ah come off it. Thats a lot of self justification and you know it.

I really do hope things get better for you and the counselling helps. But the first step is honesty and you aren't there yet. Best of luck.

OP, not sure if you are still tracking this thread or not? I do hope you are OK, this is a tough situation all round.
It's really really hard being a SP, and I think I'd have found it even harder if I didn't have my own DC beforehand. Your DP has, in a very short space of time, got three children which is a heck of a steep learning curve. No, he probably won't ever feel the same about your DCs as you do, but that's to be expected. Instead its worth looking at whether he can have a positive relationship with them? I do wonder if he's not having the male equivalent of PND, combined with a lack of experience with children?
There's no use berating either of you, it won't help anyone, but you do both need to be completely honest about what you do want in the future. Right now YOU need support dealing with the fact you have a young baby so have some very particular immediate needs, longer term your needs will likely shift to needing to be supported to look after all your children. I make those distinctions because it may be easier for him to focus on just three of you for now (ie you, him and baby to make this manageable) and expand that to include everyone as he gets more practiced and settles in to things more. Some may argue it lets him off the hook with your DCs right now, but surely the point here is to keep everyone's heads above water and functioning. Yes your DCs need to be looked after too, but they have you and their Dad for that.
Step families take years to form, some never really do, and it can be really tough as people find their places. I do think the fact that you said you can be unconventional, and it sounds like you both need your own space could be used to great advantage if you do want to stay together. 'Living apart together' is a perfectly valid option - why do you all have to live together, why not explore the idea of living apart together further? Who made the rule that families have to be together 100% of the time - why not see what can be done differently?
Would he agree to some joint counselling to explore these issues? I don't imagine this will be easy, and think you'll probably both hear and say stuff that is painful, but if you do feel it is the right thing to be together then its worth exploring what could work rather than what should work for you all.
Take care