DP finding stepparenting overwhelming and having new baby

[parapluiepliant]

My partner and I fell madly/badly. I have two DC from previous marriage and we decided to have our own baby together. She is now 3 weeks old.

DP is an older dad - first time parent used to a carefree life. He told me yesterday he's not coping and feels on the edge of a breakdown (although is prone to dramatic outbursts).

I'm protective of my DC (6 and 8) who adore their baby sister and have had to adjust to shared parental responsibility and two homes - their dad has them 50%.

It's too idealistic to expect DP to love them like his own but they're still little and I get angry because I feel DP isn't making enough effort. We're both knackered with new baby and he says he can't cope when my DC are here on their king stretch. I told him they will always be my priority/it's their home etc/he knew I had two children and they have done nothing wrong.

I think bcos I'm already a parent Im expecting him to do more?? I guess it's always a shock as a new dad - he says he feels like he's drowning and needs help. Yet I'm up BF all night and also looking after my other two and want to include them as much as possible.

[Sneeziemcweezie]

OP, not sure if you are still tracking this thread or not? I do hope you are OK, this is a tough situation all round.
It's really really hard being a SP, and I think I'd have found it even harder if I didn't have my own DC beforehand. Your DP has, in a very short space of time, got three children which is a heck of a steep learning curve. No, he probably won't ever feel the same about your DCs as you do, but that's to be expected. Instead its worth looking at whether he can have a positive relationship with them? I do wonder if he's not having the male equivalent of PND, combined with a lack of experience with children?
There's no use berating either of you, it won't help anyone, but you do both need to be completely honest about what you do want in the future. Right now YOU need support dealing with the fact you have a young baby so have some very particular immediate needs, longer term your needs will likely shift to needing to be supported to look after all your children. I make those distinctions because it may be easier for him to focus on just three of you for now (ie you, him and baby to make this manageable) and expand that to include everyone as he gets more practiced and settles in to things more. Some may argue it lets him off the hook with your DCs right now, but surely the point here is to keep everyone's heads above water and functioning. Yes your DCs need to be looked after too, but they have you and their Dad for that.
Step families take years to form, some never really do, and it can be really tough as people find their places. I do think the fact that you said you can be unconventional, and it sounds like you both need your own space could be used to great advantage if you do want to stay together. 'Living apart together' is a perfectly valid option - why do you all have to live together, why not explore the idea of living apart together further? Who made the rule that families have to be together 100% of the time - why not see what can be done differently?
Would he agree to some joint counselling to explore these issues? I don't imagine this will be easy, and think you'll probably both hear and say stuff that is painful, but if you do feel it is the right thing to be together then its worth exploring what could work rather than what should work for you all.
Take care

[TheSecondViola]

Ah come off it. Thats a lot of self justification and you know it.

I really do hope things get better for you and the counselling helps. But the first step is honesty and you aren't there yet. Best of luck.

[ljny]

I'm so sorry it turned out this way. Sounds to me like you're building a strong, healthy family unit of four. Kudos to you.

If it's any help, in quite different circumstances, I ended up a single parent with similar age gap between the two older DC and the baby. It worked out fine.

Good luck to you and your three DC.

[parapluiepliant]

BTW

The first line of my last post is a typo. It however emphasises the judgy posts I've had here. (How many people on here are in blended families/divorced/single parents?)


I really do mean thanks to purple and donja

[parapluiepliant]

but what your children need is stability, which you haven't been providing.

Thank you for the solidarity purpledaisies and donja

This is not an AIBU thread. I'm baffled by the knee-jerk sneers comments. Suggesting were rowing in front of kids (we're not). Making assumptions about my ex (who you know nothing about and was a terrible husband/role model who left me ££££ in debt and lied about going to work when he couldn't actually pay the mortgage and left out marital home months in arrears whilst assuring me he was paying mortgage. Yep - great bloke. I sorted out the shit for everyone because I had to. Left to him my children would have had no home. So it's dangerous to make assumptions about what he might think. Fuck him frankly.

Secondly - the children adore their baby sister and it has cemented the three of us even more as I've worked very hard to ensure they don't feel left out and it's their sister.

The kids don't know DP can't cope - of course not. They are happier to spend time on their own with 'mummy' and the baby. We have our own routines which sadly DO isn't part of though I gave him ample opportunity. It was an accident to get pregnant so early. But I'd been in such an unhappy marriage for years (loveless and mundane and dull and safe) spending far too many years of my life with a man who was a passive aggressive idiot that I jumped at the chance of real love (thought I through rose tinted).

Does anyone remember the headiness of falling in love? It is documented how it can cause a temporary kind of madness. That's what happened to me. I didn't want to introduce a boyfriend to my children until I was sure it was serious. Pregnancy (what's done is done) did that. I've always worked my arse off to provide for my kids. I get no help and that's how it is.

My children used to say to me 'mummy we want you to have a boyfriend and a baby' bless them - long before I met my DP so they actually think it was their idea. Yes it's complicated and ultimately I will be the one left holding the baby I imagine. The last thing I need (as some posters have intimated) is to worry about what other people think of me. Luckily I have friends who understand we all f* up. This baby was/is wanted. She is loved. My children are loved.
Mots just me who is not being looked after - not my children who know they have a mum and dad who love them.

purple yes your suggest is helpful. And we are doing that - DP is here when it's just me and baby. I don't actually wan him here FT as its too small for all of us. Right now I'm going to step back and concentrate on the three DC's and me. What will be will be.

Please remember those who flamed me - I have a small baby of 3 months - am tired from BF and general sleep drprivation and also trying to sort out this mess. All I wanted was a new start and a happy family which I thought we'd have. That's how it was initially - DP was amazing with my two DC's and I've seen how he can be.

Anyway...I'm done now. I have counselling booked in over the next few weeks and it will be nice to have someone kind to talk to.

[TheSecondViola]

No sneering. The first thing you need to do to tackle a problem is to be honest about the causes. If you don't evaluate your mistakes you will repeat them. Its neither useful or honest to tell op that its all his fault and she should do what she wants.

[purpledasies]

I don't think the OP has posted this thread in order to set an example to others not to do as she has done.

I assume she wanted advice as to where to go from here.

[callMeMaybe]

nope, no deep-seated reasons here, just at the sheer naivety and selfishness with which you conducted your relationship with no thought for anyone else except yourselves.

You introduced your children through facetime and thought that you could all live as a happy family because of that so you started trying for a baby? And you're 41 not teenagers, having already had two children previously you surely know that there are no set answers when it comes to falling pregnant, if you're not using contraception then pregnancy is a possibility. Absolutely no sympathy for the fact you fell pregnant straight away, you planned to get pregnant and your plan paid off. Well done.

No he may well not shape up as a step parent but you are as much if not more to blame for this situation. Your children's emotional wellbeing was on the line and you did nothing to protect it.

You may not like what people have to say here but you made this mess now you have to live with it. Stop putting yourself first and start thinking about your children who didn't ask to be dragged and born into this mess. Have a discussion with your baby's dad as to where you want to go with this relationship, and if it's going nowhere then make the break as painless as possible for all concerned.

[donajimena]

Whats done is done. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It never ceases to amaze me how many posters will berate and sneer at a poster who has made a choice that cannot be changed.
I hope things work out for you OP.

[Hassled]

I was in a similar position with DCs of the same sort of age from my first marriage - now DH had been single for a while, unused to children, I got pregnant too quickly (accidental) and step-parenthood was forced upon him. It took time and patience and yet more patience for it all to pan out - but it did, and a lot of that was due to the fact DH (then DP) never resented the older DCs, never criticised them, tried his hardest to bond with them (even though DD was very resistant at first) and tried to have fun with them. It only worked because DH tried so hard to make it work - if your DP isn't prepared to put that effort in it's destined to fail and probably the sooner you extricate yourself the better.

[purpledasies]

Can you remain a couple, but not live together? If he keeps a place of his own he can spend most of his time there when you have your DC with you, and be at yours when they're with their dad.

Sadly, though with a new baby, being taken out 2-3 times a week is gong to be tricky. It's not like being a 50-50 parent with your ex so getting half your nights off from parenting to enjoy dating. And for you, one of the joys of having a new baby is clearly going to be sharing her with your DC as part of the family. That's gonig to be difficult if your DP doesn't want to be part of that unit or isn't up to it. Step parenting is hard, and a child with ASD type behaviour I assume will be harder still. IF your DP is around, can he take on more a lead role with the new baby, to give you some time to focus on your older DC? Even start letting him take her out on his own a bit if she's bottle fed, or can go long enough between feeds.

[winterswan]

I'm sorry, but I agree with callmymaybe. Maybe it's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but maybe someone else will realise.

This must be a horrible situation for the older children.

[TheSecondViola]

You didn't even try to find out if he would be a good stepparent, you didn't introduce him to your children until you were already pregnant, and you didn't move him in until later still
Yes he sounds like a bit of an arse but you have to take responsibility for this mess as well. Its not conventional to put your children first, it's just good parenting. You older DC have had a very unsetlling year with a new man, new baby, then rows and he's leaving too....it's not good for them. You might like the idea of having a boyfriend who takes you out, but what your children need is stability, which you haven't been providing.
I imagine you'll complain this post is judgy, but you must know that most people will think the same, I'm betting your family and your ex,and in the future, your children too.

So split up or don't, but do something and stuck with it. Give those children a break.

[Thymeout]

You say you are a bit unconventional. Your dcs are with their father 50% of the time. If you want to stay with your dp, is there any way you could be a family unit with him and your joint dd for the 50% when your dcs aren't there?

You don't have to stick to it rigidly so there could be times when you are all together with him. But as a basic principle to work to?

I think I'd find it hard to get over the fact that he's rejected my older dcs. But if you could, then it might be better for your joint dd to have her father living with her at least half the time? It sounds as if neither of you really thought this through, so it's perhaps a bit unfair to blame it all on him.

[parapluiepliant]

callMeMaybe "The only victims here are your children... What the hell were you both thinking?"

I suspect there is a deep seated reason why you have decided to get your claws out and judge me. Not at all helpful. I assume you are happily married with perfect DC and the perfect parent...Good luck to you.

My children are not victims thankyou. He had spoken to them through facetime and we assumed (due to my age - 41) it would take years. Unfortunately I did not have the luxury of time and if it did happen wanted to have a safe/healthy pregnancy.

I'll take constructive advice from anybody but not bitter wranglings thankyou.

[Devilishpyjamas]

Honestly? I'd draw a line under it. Unconventional is tricky when you have children & one part of the couple is completely unable to take on board s/he has responsibilities. Blowing hot & cold & being unreliable as fuck with you is one thing, but you need to protect your child/ren from him before he destabilises them.

He sounds rather self obsessed to be honest.

[callMeMaybe]

I'm afraid this is one of the pitfalls of rushing into things too soon. The only victims here are your children.

Trying for a baby and getting pregnant before this man had even met your children was an incredibly stupid thing to do. What the hell were you both thinking? You especially op - you already had two children, you surely know how much difference a baby makes to a family dynamic.

Fact is this man had no idea of what he was doing by taking on step children. These boards are full of women who have realised far too late how hard it is, and yet for him he had no choice because you had already fallen pregnant with a planned baby.

Having only been together for eighteen months this might be the time at which a relationship might fizzle out anyway because the honeymoon period wears off and you start to realise each other's differences, except you now have a baby between you which binds you together for the rest of your lives.

You both need to sit down and have an honest discussion about where you are going. The reality is that he won't feel the same about your dc as you do, especially now that he has his own child - that changes things. But you need to decide whether your relationship is strong enough to get through the foreseeable future, and if not, then perhaps it's best that you split sooner rather than later for the benefit of everyone concerned.

[parapluiepliant]

I really thought this was it after being in a dead relationship and married far too long with dull/financially irresponsible ex husband.

my new DP is like jekyll and hyde - he promised me the earth (I sound like a bloody mills and boon novel), he wanted our baby (born from love) so we could be a family and so he wouldn't resent my existing children who he used to be v good with.

Financially - I'm due back at work next August, but its very tight for me. He used to talk about selling his flat and me getting a new mortgage and us living together - now he's saying he'd never sell his flat and won't seem to commit to a future.

The baby is amazing - so chilled out. She's good as gold - he's v lucky. I think it's probably a red flag that he'd never had children before. But I was loved up. I don't have family nearby.

He blows hot and cold. The other week I said stay away, and he couldn't bear it and said it felt weird not being with us and he missed us and he'd try harder with my DC.

Next week because I insisted he paid me some money - he said he was depressed/stressed out and couldn't see how we can afford everything. I challenged him about everything he had said/promised in the past and he admitted he had his head up his arse - was living in a fantasy world.

I'm so angry. He's really fucked me over. But this baby is still mine and she has a brother and sister who adore her. WE are a family. I will have to work FT to support us all. That's ok. I'm not a victim.

However, we have something me and DP and seem to be intrinsically entwined. We are a little unorthodox. I don't think I could live with him full time anyway and would dearly love to go back to having a boyfriend I see 2/3 times a week who takes me out.

So tricky. I'm going into work today to show the baby but am going to keep my emotional situation close to my chest as I have some management responsibility etc...

[Devilishpyjamas]

Oh dear. I'd be livid with him. He sounds a selfish arse, but it doesn't sound as if you have much choice. Does he want to have a relationship with his child?

I found the jump from two to three quite hard (much harder than having my first). How are you coping? Do you have any support other than your wet blanket partner? How are you financially?

[ImperialBlether]

No, I wouldn't let someone do that. I couldn't let someone cut out my children.

I can see that at 50 he's going to struggle living with small children - but how come he didn't see that? I can also see that having a baby at that age will be very tiring - how come he couldn't see that? And living with a child with ADHD must be incredibly hard, particularly if it's not your own child - again, he should've anticipated that.

Maybe you should stay friends - he should live in his home, you live in yours with the children and he can have the baby occasionally, but not spend time with you and the baby as a unit?

[NoSmileToday]

He cannot get rid of your children and you cannot force him to want to be around them and care for them. It is very much a stalemate.

Your first priority is the children and they deserve to be around adults who care for them and like them. I am afraid I would have to end the relationship.
You were both very foolish to rush in to this but it is done now and all that is left is for you to make better future choices for your children.
Being any kind of parent is damn hard and it doesn't sound like he is committed to his family at all. I doubt very much his change of heart is just down to your children and more to do with the responsibility he now has to his own child.

[parapluiepliant]

Bumping this thread again guys...
I'm torn in half - gut tells me I should leave him... Now we have our own baby (something of his own) he's written my DC out of the picture and says it hasn't worked out for him with all of us together but he has no problem when it's me, the baby and him. I'm furious just looking at what I'm writing here.

I love him, but my children have to come first. Selfish bastard. My DS may have ADHD - currently in talks with school and DP has decided he didn't sign up for this (as clearly he thinks all children are perfectly behaved).

[NerdyBird]

Step-parenting is very hard. Parents who aren't step-parents often have no idea what it's like and that's not their fault but it helps if they try to understand and I think you are.
I was in a similar position to your DP just after my partner and I had our baby, except I am the step-parent. We weren't getting on and when talking about it he admitted that he was acting like it was my third baby rather than my first and not taking into account I'm really a first time mum. He also said he'd forgotten what it was like to have a small baby and how hard it is.
Things are better now but still a bit bumpy.

You do need to keep talking and agree expectations. Some things just have to be got on with so he will have to make adjustments and compromises too.
I'm sure you'll find a way to make it work but it might take time for everyone to settle. Good luck.

[parapluiepliant]

We purposely didn't introduce my kids to him until we'd been together 6 months (New Years eve 2014) - by which time I was 7 weeks pregnant LOL.

Tribpot - he didn't move in immediately until I was much further along in pregnancy so he hasn't had that long (10 months he's known my DC) . And really we should have still been dating but - flew headfirst into the joys of pregnancy (says wryly as its my third).

Anyway - we both knew what we were doing, just happened much quicker than I thought plus I didn't want to be 43and pregnant to minimise risk. This baby is adored by all of us - but we need to work out a way forward.

I agree with aspects Trib says but also guess I'm a bit unconventional in the fact I like my own space too and although it's hard at times actually like the space when it's me and my 3 DC and it makes me and DP miss each other.

[tribpot]

So he's had nearly 18 months of step-parenting? I guess in fairness you probably didn't move him in immediately, so somewhat less but certainly the entire duration of your pregnancy.

It's early days but I wouldn't be overly sympathetic if I were you, I'd set expectations that this is his life now and he needs to get on with adjusting. Christ, we'd all like to go and spend 2 nights a week in another flat when we've got a 3 week old, it sounds blissful. Perhaps you should suggest you do the same on the week when your older kids aren't with you?