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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So pissed off!

17 replies

Letitgoletitgo · 11/09/2015 21:05

So dp arrives home with dss this eve. My dcs and I are home. Dp has bought dss a new toy, quite an expensive one, and obviously given it to him in the car. They then proceed to open and play with it in front of my dcs. AIBU to think this is really inconsiderate? Obviously dp can buy dss whatever he likes, but to come home and open it all in front of my dcs who got nothing and had to watch? They are 3 and 5yo! And the toy in question is something ds would really like for Xmas, but that's besides the point. I would never give things to my dcs in front of dss unless there was something for him too!
Dp doesn't seem to get why I am so pissed off with him - he says they sometimes come back from their dad with stuff. Well yes, sometimes, it's usually cheap tat, and is not in my control! I would rather dss had arrived with the same toy, unboxed and played with and just said it was from mums house - completely different scenario! Am I being unreasonable?!

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Oswin · 11/09/2015 21:07

Yanbu, if you buy a present, excluding bdays, and all the children will be there then really you need to buy for all. Its just mean otherwise.

elliebellys · 11/09/2015 22:05

No your not unresonable,all the dcs should of got something,its just bloody cruel to do that.would he be happy if you had done that,i sure as hell dont think so.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 11/09/2015 22:12

Is your DP usually this insensitive or is this kind of thing out of character for him?

Having said that just because your DC come back from ther dad's with "cheap tat" doesn't mean that your DSS won't feel left out, after all most young children have no idea of the value of money, they just think ooh present!

Hmmn I'm on the fence with this one.

Yellowpansies · 11/09/2015 22:30

We work on the basis that we can't control what happens in their other parents' houses, and don't attempt to even things up, and the DC all accept that really well. But we'd neither of us ever treat our DC to major present like that and ignore the other kids in the house. Within our household we try to be as fair as we can.

NanaNina · 11/09/2015 22:35

I think DP is being very insensitive. I take the point about "cheap tat" could be seen by DSS as presents that he'd like. Why not have an agreement about this issue. I think your suggestion of toy coming unboxed and brought from "mom's house" would be much better. Your two might still want it, but it would be a different scenario. Could you do the same with anything your kids bring back.

Don't know how long you've been together but the step-parenting ride is full of bumps and pot holes............and stresses and strains and god only knows what else. I was a SP (well still am) but they're all grown thank god with their own families. I went through some very unhappy years and feel for all of you going through the same. There are no easy answers - both parents are fighting for their own kids - it's nature - it's what we're conditioned to do, and we become like tigers when we feel our kids are not being treated fairly.

Step parenting isn't natural - animals don't do it. The lion will kill the young of the lioness if he wants to mate her, to preserve his gene pool. Says it all really! I'm not advocating murder of course!

PesoPenguin · 12/09/2015 07:46

I think your dp has been really unfair. He must have known your DS wanted the toy, yet he chose to buy it for his DS and not yours. If it was the other way round there'd be outrage! I'm sure it must be hard for your dss when your dc bring things back from their dad's, but that's only the same as your dss bringing things from his mum's. He should have either bought the toy for all do to share, bought one/ similar for all children or bought smaller toys for all 3 if money is an issue.

m1nniedriver · 12/09/2015 08:43

I think whether it's chesp Tat or not the point is, I oressume, that you wouldn't allow your children to sit opening their presents in front of DSS if he had nothing .

I think your DH is totally out of order and I think that is a shit thing to do!! I wonder what he would say if you went shopping and came back with a big fancy toy for your own DC and nothing for DSS. Perhaps you should do that to illustrate your point?

lunar1 · 12/09/2015 08:50

That's really not on, it's not the value it the fact that it's obviously a gift from dad and yours are being left out on purpose. It's a good way to decide the family.

lunar1 · 12/09/2015 08:50

Divide not decide!!!

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2015 08:59

Quite cuntish behaviour and you can tell him that from me.

spanisharmada · 12/09/2015 09:05

Can't see the issue tbh, but then I expect DC to understand they shouldn't expect to get something just because one of the others have, and I wouldn't make a separate rule for SDC. But, if that's not how you do things in your house, if one person can't have anything without everyone else getting something too, maybe it is unreasonable. Just seems a bit precious to me though.

m1nniedriver · 12/09/2015 10:01

I think the consensus is it was a shitty selfish thing to do

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 12/09/2015 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings · 12/09/2015 17:06

Yes, inconsiderate and unnecessary. Don't have the hump though, wait until dss has gone back home and gently explain how your children would have felt. I think the that that your dc would have liked the toy himself for Christmas a particularly good argument to explain how it would have hurt his feelings to see dss with it now, especially at their age.

Make it clear to him you have no issue with him spoiling his son, but that maybe it would be better if he gave it to him to take home (and can always bring with him at week-ends to share with your dc).

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 12/09/2015 18:06

So your DCs dad can buy them things but your DP can't buy his son unless he buys for the non related children too?

You can only demand that if you only ever buy DSS something everytime you but something for your own. Somehow I doubt that happens.

BlueBlueSea · 12/09/2015 18:15

My DH did/does this a lot with his DS.

My kids just understand that DSS gets whatever he wants and DH will buy it for him. He will get presents for no occassion that for my kids would have been Birthday or Christmas presents.

It does not cause many problems, I would point out to my kids that DSS did not have some of the things in his life that they take for granted. They just think that DSS is spolit and do not have much to do with him. I have never complained as it is upto DH what he buys DSS and it is nothing to do with me.

So I would say you are being too sensitive, and there are so many battles and problems with blended families that you do need to let some stuff go.

Original poster

Letitgoletitgo · 12/09/2015 19:55

Thanks for feedback - my upset was not at all that dp hear bought this for his son (although I do think it daft when Christmas is coming, but up to him!) It was precisely that he didn't see the issue with walking in together with a brand new boxed toy and opening and putting it together with a very excited dss while my dcs had to sit and watch. I don't expect him to buy something for my dcs whenever he buys for his own ds, and of course I don't do this either. But I am considerate enough not to give huge presents for no occasion in front of each other unless there is something for everyone. It was this lack of consideration from dp that upset me, but we have had a few words now and I think he realises it was an unfair thing to do.

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