Step mums - Given your situation, what would make your life easier?

[Sdaddyx2]

I am particularly talking to those that struggle with their step kids, that dread every other weekend due to the disruption it causes them, that may not hate their partners children, but really cant gel with them

Given that the children will never go away, What would you say would make your life easier in general to manage your situation?

I have posted here before, I know my wife struggles with my son,I don't think its due to his behavior or anything, hes quiet, well behaved, its just not her child, and like many other Step mums, this causes her stress. I would just like to know if there was anything I could do to ease things when my son is here, Ideally I would like her to be friends with him, she is in someways, but there seems to be a 'barrier' that prevents her from getting too close

Our family is made up of her children, who live with us, our daughter, and my son, who stays every other weekend, and comes round in the week

Assuming you're not treating your son differently to the other DC (wrt expectations and boundaries etc) and not expecting DW to be default babysitter for him then I'm not sure there's anything that can be done.

What does your DW say if you ask her, am I right in recalling that she just goes quiet and says she's ok?

Tbh parenting let alone step parenting is not for everyone, unfortunately it might just be the case that your DW's not cut out for the situation and time will be the only thing that makes it better.

I didn't find out till too late that I'm not cut out to be a stepparent - I'd previously lived in a house share where the landlord had his DC on a week on week off basis so I thought I knew what I was getting into. I had no idea how much the dynamic changes when you're someone's actual partner as opposed to just a friendly adult sharing the same house.

I live apart from my DH now, I still see my DSC every week or so and see DH on the other days when the kids are at their mum's. It's not ideal but it's the only solution to us not splitting up.

its just not her child, and like many other Step mums, this causes her stress.

Not many of us get stressed by our DSC not being our DC. Do we?

Consistent, fair boundaries for all the children and consequences for breaking them. Agreeing rules between you and as a family and knowing the biological parent will enforce them where necessary.

Couple time every single day, time to chat without the kids interrupting or having to "monitor" what you say because they're in the room.

Ensuring the drudgery of parenting is shared and ultimately being prepared to do all the mundane stuff for your own child. If your partner helps, make sure she knows the help is appreciated.

Not allowing arguments and stress caused by ex partners to take over your lives. Don't allow them to dominate your lives.

Don't expect your partner to love your kids. Do expect them to be fair, kind and consistent and a positive role model.

You say that your DCs will never go away - actually for many step mums, they do, sometimes suddenly and unexpectedly, and sometimes slowly and painfully.
Keeping her distance may well be a self-preservation tactic.

She has no say in their lives. She has no influence. By remaining detached, she ensures that the decisions that she has no say in don't emotionally impact on her.

There are parallels between step parenting and fostering. In both cases, the non-biological parents only have influence over the direct contact they have with the DCs. The step/foster parent does their best when the DCs are in their care, but have no say in the other aspects of the DCs life, those decisions lie with others.

Remaining slightly detached and objective, while ensuring the DCs needs are met is not only a self preservation tactic, but may also be one that preserves the marriage. Your DW may not agree with the way you and your ex choose to parent. If she detaches from that, it doesn't cause conflict between you.

OP - are you expected / do you do the same stuff for her DC. ( not your joint one)

If you babysit whilst she goes out, take the DC to activities, do pick ups, prep food etc - then it is not unreasonable to expect your DP to do the same.

There are many step mums, who seem to think that once the SCs arrive,they should not play any role and it is the sole responsibility of the father to do everything. This is to my mind a double standard. The idea is that your DC feels that this is his home aswell. If you do nothing for her DC whilst they are in your house - then it is fair.

Your DP needs to talk to you - no one is asking her to love your DC, but I am sure you are not party to the major decisions in your SCs life that is for her parents - you are not asking for that.

I treat her children as my own, i call them my daughters, and treat them so, always have done. They see their Dad, but I think they see me as their Father figure, but I live with them, its different, but I have always treated everyone the same, my son doesnt get special treatment when he comes over, only really that I relate more to him due to being boys, and we have similar interests, but that doesnt mean special behavior. I am very aware of how I behave, as I have seen/read about how our situation can struggle if not managed properly.

I just want tips really to make sure I can make things comfortable and fair for all involved, especially my wife as I think she struggles the most, on here i can get an unbiased response

Things that help me include -

• having half an hour or so at the end of the day with just us, no kids to relax and chat
• having time with just one stepchild. I find it easier to be a step parent when I'm not also trying to be a parent, so grabbing any opportunities that arise for this is good.
• being allowed a bit of time with just my own DC without feeling guilty

- DH backing me up if I tell his DC to do something, even if it's not something that particularly bothers him

• DH being the bad guy if necessary with his DC (and me with mine)

I think a lot has to do with the personalities of different kids, so I wouldn't hold your DW solely responsible for the weak relationship she has with your DS. I'm much closer to some of my DSC than others. 3 of them, at least some of the time, seem to like having me in their lives. The forth rarely does and looks only to his dad for anything.

What would help is actually understand the attitude of your OH. You say that is because he is not her own, but neither are her daughters to you. Many step-mums are happy to see their step-children coming over, they just don't normally come and post here.

There has to be reasons why it stresses her so much and you need to know what they are before you can think of how to help her.

So many possible variables here!

• Is it because you're son is a boy and your wife thinks that parenting a boy is different to parenting a girl so backs off emotionally?
• Is your wife nervous about overstepping boundaries and is nervous about annoying you or your ex and biting her tongue?
• How different are you when your son is round? is there a radical change in routine that annoys her eg too much gaming or less practical help from you?
• Is she stressed because the children who live with you full time "change" when your son is around?
• is there a lot of pressure and preparation before each visit? Are the visits regular or last minute? The latter would be very stressful.
• are you subconsciously less affectionate when her son is around? Is she expected to change her routine ? Do more housework?
• Is there higher spending when your son is around? I don't mean food etc I mean do you eat out? Go to expensive places?

Sdaddy - not having a go, but your SDs do what your son does. spends time in one house and then go and see their father - so they are not there all the time, just like your son. She gets time to herself, just her and her DCs and then all of you together.

You want , what you give her DDs, but she is not prepared / able to give your DS.

Unless she opens up and tells you, then it is her problem, you can not address this issue. It is sad.

I think all of Stompy's points are valid and the O/P should look at each one with regard to his own situation. It may well be that he just hasn't thought of/realised/understood the impact of things like, more housework/spending or whether he unconsciously changes when his son visits! But whatever the case, bravo to him for making the effort to make things easier for his wife and family!

I find I get frustrated because I am not able to discipline the kids, and a lot of the time DH will set rules and not stick to them because he over compensating for the time he doesn't get with them and if I say anything I'm accused of being nasty. Im not a total nag but I believe kids need to learn to stick to rules as its part of life.