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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Wills/inheritance

25 replies

Gracey79 · 10/09/2015 18:58

Sorry I know this one is done to death and have name changed so as not to out myself!

Currently buying a new house with dh we have 1 dc together and he has 3 dc from prev relationships 1 who lives abroad and 2 who live several hours away. I have not seen the dss who is abroad for 5 years and see the 2 who live in the UK perhaps twice a year (as often as dh does) as we are buying a house together we are also making wills now dh wants us both to leave the house between all 4 children equally however I think 50% should go between all 4 and 50% to our joint ds.
So as not to drip feed, we have no joint finances and are putting half o deposit etc in split equally. Just wondered what other people do in this situation as I feel like my ds is losing out if we do it this way.

OP posts:

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 10/09/2015 20:18

Is your ds much younger than dsc?

Tbh if they're all adults I would leave it equally to all 4. Bear in mind it may end up not mattering if the money is needed for care in old age etc.

I haven't seen my stepmum in years and only see my dad once a year and my mum about twice and my stepdad one a year . It's not because I don't love them, it's bcause of practicalities of distance and travel and time and money.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/09/2015 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3phase · 10/09/2015 20:33

Your half should go to your child (i.e. your DS) and his half should be split between his children (i.e. your DS and his 3 x DC). YANBU.

eatingworms · 10/09/2015 20:36

But her DH is father to all 4. That doesn't seem fair for him not to treat all his kids the same.Not an easy one this.......

Piratespoo · 10/09/2015 20:38

I have the same scenario. But what happens about the house that the spouse who is left is living in? They will still need to live there, but the kids have been left the money. I want to not have a situation where my dh can not be pressured into changing anything, so my kids get left with a smaller share than originally planned

AnyoneButAndre · 10/09/2015 20:42

If you want to be absolutely sure that the surviving spouse doesn't go back on the arrangement then you would give them a tenancy for life Pirates. Alternatively just both make wills saying "my spouse if they should survive me otherwise the DC in proportions xyz" and trust the other spouse not to change their will (or remarry).

swingofthings · 10/09/2015 21:08

If you are putting half the deposit in and will be paying half of the mortgage, then I agree with your percentage. If however DH will be paying the mortgage alone, then I do think his views is fair.

Original poster

Gracey79 · 10/09/2015 21:22

Thanks everyone. My ds is 6m dsc are 13, 10 and 9. We will be paying half of all bills each, his theory is that neither of his children's mums have property etc to leave them however I am still conscious they would effectively inherit double if all parents and step parents followed this theory and it's not so much a case of 'how much' I just feel I am not treating my ds fairly as it doesn't seem right for him to get any less from me regardless. Thanks for the advice re staying in the house we had planned to ensure surviving partner can stay in the house regardless.

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 10/09/2015 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Gracey79 · 10/09/2015 21:45

Yes this is my thinking really it just sounds so mean written down I think it would be completely different if we had regular contact etc but we have very little relationship with them and I think it's perhaps dh feeling guilty that has prompted this reaction. I can't say for sure what dsc would inherit (who can really nowadays!?) however I do agree that no one would be thinking of including ds if the tables were turned. I know people often say but they have both parents etc it just seems reading threads on here that so often resident dc get the short straw with these kinds of things.

OP posts:

sanfairyanne · 10/09/2015 21:59

Make sure you own the house the right way, so each of you can give away 'your' part of it, then you give your half to your ds and he can decide what he wants to do with his half.

tribpot · 10/09/2015 22:04

I think sanfairyanne is right given the way your finances are currently structured. This would also solve the inheritance problem. My mum and step-dad have always been scrupulous to ensure all five of the children (they have no joint dc) are treated equally but that is a very long marriage and we have basically been a blended family since the heyday of ABBA! My instinct is that how often you see the children is irrelevant, the property should be split four ways. However, as you have not blended finances in any way, sanfairyanne's solution sounds appropriate.

Original poster

Gracey79 · 10/09/2015 22:12

Yes I think we will be having the property set up as tenants in common so we own 50% each and as you say can do as we wish with them. I think I would be happy to split equally if we saw them every other weekend etc however at the moment we are virtually strangers we see so little of them, I think I will put it to dh to set up as I stated with a view that we could always change it later I know he is keen to make sure everyone gets exactly the same I just feel this is impossible to monitor with different families different incomes different everything!

OP posts:

CointreauVersial · 10/09/2015 22:21

I'll tell you how my parents are doing it: DSDad is leaving his half to his three DCs (two from previous marriage, plus my half-DB). DM is leaving her half to her two DCs (me from previous marriage, plus my half-DB again).

So DB is effectively getting two slices of the pie, which is just as it should be, as he doesn't have any other parents. You are correct, OP.

Chewbecca · 10/09/2015 22:22

I don't think the amount of contact is relevant here.

But I do think you are right to be able to leave your whole half to your one child, whilst he leaves his half equally between his children.

Question is, do you want to 'reserve' all property to be inherited by your children? We plan to downsize at some point and I'm actually happy for DH to spend some of the value of the house if I'm not around. He couldn't do that if my half went straight to DS.

It is tricky.

babyiwantabump · 10/09/2015 22:29

I think your percentage is right - yes his children's mothers may not have property but then why does that leave your child at a disadvantage?

Also they may obtain property in the future .

I am in a similar position - well my OH has a DD I have a DD and then we have two further DC together . At the moment I own the house we live in and so it would be my children that inherit - when we move and buy together my children will still inherit the majority as I have put in the majority - with his children sharing the remainder equally - as I think should be the case with you. But It is so difficult deciding these kind of things! And keeping things fair!

Saltedcaramel4 · 10/09/2015 22:31

You leave your half to your kid. Your DH leaves his half to his 4 kids

DHs kids with his ex will inherit from her also.

Original poster

Gracey79 · 10/09/2015 22:35

Thanks Cointreau that was exactly what I was meaning. I think we can get a clause put in to say house cannot be sold until ds is x age etc. either of us could afford to raise enough equity to 'buy out' any interest if needed to but hopefully we will never need to, it seems so silly to spend time arguing over something that will hopefully not happen for a long time however I know it's much easier for everyone with wills etc rather than falling out after someone has passed away. Does anyone have dc who have a sm who will be in a similar position I'm just keen to hear both sides

OP posts:

Oswin · 11/09/2015 09:39

My mom had two children, my dad had two children they met then had me.
Everything will be split five ways. If I had say two sixths while everyone else got one sixth I would be upset.
I feel we are one family. My brothers and sister are just not half or anything.

Growing up yes my sister and brothers went to there other parents houses and had different opportunitys but I've never felt jealous.
If anything I felt sorry that they had to switch homes all the time.
This may seem overly sentimental but I think my parents were awesome stepparents because it was never a your kid my kid situation, we were just one family.

I do know that this is not what works for everyone though.

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 14:39

I own 50% of my house but and getting each a 3rd, our dc, and his 2 dc. They will also get from their mums family, and from her if she ever owns a property. I am putting a life insurance in place in the event of my death for my ds so he has a bit more.

This is a massive improvement to when dh and I first got the house. He told me that if he died of have to move out with ds, sell the house do his kids didn't have to wait for their money!!!!

He soon saw the error of his way. We also have life insurance to cover CM should anything happen to him so I can keep up the payments to their mum

It's such a mine field

WhoGivesAFlying · 11/09/2015 14:40

Sorry about stupid typos!!! On phone

captainproton · 11/09/2015 14:48

We are going to write 2 wills. One now and one when our unborn child is an adult. Assuming neither of us have gone to the hereafter by then. The plan is that if one of us was to die then they inherit the house, car, shares etc except one share save scheme which has a not unreasonable amount of money in it for DSS.

Neither of us wants to be widowed, trying to find childcare and working in order to pay inheritance to children who still have a parent living, ad in DSS case a step parent too.

I'd both of us die then everything but the share save thing will go towards the care of our young children. Their named guardian will be my BIL, in the hopes all siblings will still at some point have contact, but he isn't going to be able to raise 3 kids without funds from our will.

When they are all adults we will split it differently depending on circumstances then. I am 15 years younger than DH and I put a lot of equity into our home I am not signing it over to the kids until I'm dead and buried.

My mother left us nothing in her will, it's not obligatory we could just donate it all to a good cause to save arguments.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 11/09/2015 15:17

Agree with OP - split it 50% each - hers to go to her ds and his to go to his 4 dcs. Dh and I have done the same - 1st of us to die leaves it to the other, then after 2nd death my 50% is shared between our 2 dcs, his 50% between his 6 dcs - 4 his, 2 ours. His 4dcs will also inherit from their dm.

Bigfeet21 · 11/09/2015 15:37

Not relevant to this discussion but extremely sad that three children rarely/never see their father.

If he is a decent human being then he will be feeling guilty. His DCs get a bum deal.

Original poster

Gracey79 · 11/09/2015 18:46

Thanks everyone was expecting a flaming, glad I didn't put it on AIBU lol.

I agree it is sad they have so little contact and I do wondr if dh is trying to make up for this with money which of course is wrong I'm hoping one day we will be a 'blended family' and everything can be split as such however until that happens I have to look after my ds. Good to know so many people are in the same position - what a minefield it is.

OP posts:

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