DSD hates her stepdad

[SerafinaScoresby]

DSD is 8 and stays with us Friday-Monday every week. She is constantly complaining about how much she hates her stepdad and how much she wishes he would leave.

Her parents broke up when her mum cheated with stepdad and kicked DP out of the family home when DSD was about 1 and a half. Her stepdad has been her stepdad since she was 1 and apparently was good with her at first but when his own DD was born 2 years later he changed. I met DP and DSD when she was 2.

DSD has told us loads of stuff about being left out, being ignored, getting into trouble all the time when its her sisters fault etc. Mostly when we've brought it up with her mum it's all denied and we're told DSD is lying. Most recently (last Friday) DSD told us she doesn't like her stepdad because he hates her (her emphasis not mine). She said he will play on their games console with her little sister but won't let DSD play, reads his DD bedtime stories but is always too tired by the time it's DSD's bedtime, takes his DD out places but always says he can only afford to take one and says that DSD gets stuff his DD doesn't when DSD comes to us. She says he gets really angry if she calls him by his name, and that she has to call him 'daddy' (DP is referred to as her Father in their house) but that he acts nothing like a dad to her and she only has 3 parents (her mum, DP and me). She tells us he shouts at her all the time and is always quick to get cross with her over every little thing. A few weeks ago he took her mum and sister to the seaside while DSD was with us. We have an informal arrangement in which days can be changed if she's wanted by her mum for something at the weekend but we were never asked if she could stay home for that day. DSD is keenly aware that she was left out on purpose and feels like they're happier when she's not around. She says when she's at her mums she stays in her bedroom all the time because she feels unwanted when the rest of them are sitting together in the living room. When she's at ours we're always doing stuff together in the living room and she barely uses her bedroom other than to sleep/have bedtime stories.

When she started talking about this on Friday it was like floodgates opened and she just poured it all out. She even cried which she never does. She told me she wishes her mum and dad could be together so stepdad would go away (she then corrected herself to include me).

She says she feels like her mum prefers him to her and she definitely feels like her sister is their favourite.

We gave her cuddles and reassurance, lots of love and reminded her we love her and of course her mum loves her. DP then spoke to her mum about it and was told that when she's at home she's constantly complaining that stepdad is not around enough and wants to know why he can't be home more. Apparently she tells her mum that DP doesn't spend enough time with her either and her mum says that she's saying one thing to us and another to them.

We've accepted that in the past but the outburst and tears on Friday seemed genuine to me. To be fair she has said to me before that if stepdad worked less then maybe he'd be less cross all the time so therefore less irritable with her and would have time for her when he's home instead of just her sister, so I expect she's said something similar to her mum. I should also add that I deeply dislike her stepdad (we don't let DSD know this) as he is an intolerable twat about life in general but has always portrayed himself as a loving parent.

I'm not sure what I want from this post, I guess it's just to bounce this off someone with an outside perspective. I could do with some advice about how to handle it. I really feel for DSD, I can't imagine how awful it must be to live like that. But what if she is actually just saying things about him and doesn't really mean it? How do we tell? I believe her rather than her mum but we have a really good working parental relationship with then and it might be foolish to rock the boat if it turns out she is playing us off against each other.

To avoid drip feeding these are other factors - DSD also has a brother at our house who she's besotted with and her mum is entirely dependant on her stepdad which he makes DSD very aware of (ie it's my house and my rules, I pay for every thing you have etc).

Thanks if you've read this far, sorry it got so long. I may not be able to get back straightaway as have to bath DS ready for bed.

What really needs to happen, urgently is a meeting between mum, dad and their daughter. These issues she has need to be thrashed out into the open. Once she is confronted with both parents the truth will out.

They will all get the chance to explain what is what and your dp can hear mothers response to her daughters perception of her step father.

The sad thing is that her step father would object to her living with you full time simply for the sake of it. It sounds like it would be much healthier if she did.

I do agree that this is best solved in a "three around the table" way. Your DSD may not be deliberately playing one household off against the other - her tears may be genuine as she struggles to cope with the conflicting emotions she's feeling, just as her comments to her mum about her stepdad being out are true.
It sounds like she sees her stepdad as the barrier to her parents being together as a family - she may well be grieving for the nuclear family she is realising she will never have.

Sorry, just got DS down to sleep. Why must babies fight it so hard!

Anyway, quitelikely I suggested that to DP the other day but he's wary of causing her stress by such a confrontation. She tends to go quiet and unresponsive when either of us is around either of them and it seems she's quite uncomfortable with it (especially when stepdad is there). She used to find handovers really stressful and would go quiet ages beforehand. She's more relaxed now but still definitely uncomfortable.

imperial a few years ago he definitely would have, just for the sake of it because he is an arse. But these days their relationship has become so difficult I'm not so sure he would object. I don't think the solution is for her to move in with us anyway. We would of course adjust everything to have her but what she really wants is to be accepted and loved equally to her sister in their home. I'm not sure she'd even want to live with us as in her mind that would risk her mother taking this as rejection and rejecting her back IYSWIM.

southamericancuisine I'm not sure she's bothered about a nuclear family so much as to just be able to live with people she feels loved by. When she said the other day that she wanted her mum and dad to live together she corrected to include me, said the three of us with her, her brother and sister could all live together and stepdad could just go away. I think she does see him as a barrier because he's always so opinionated and insistent that his word is law. For example, another thing she got upset about was the fact that DP would not be allowed to take DSD to her first day back to school because stepdad would want to take his DD and would not allow DP to be there. We don't force this kind of thing because we don't want to push DSD into a piggy in the middle situation where she has to choose.

It might be a case of her learning to accept that things are like they are. There are a lot of posts here about step-parents not agreeing with the parent way of disciplining their kids and wishing that they had more of a voice and be more strict. Maybe that's the issue, maybe step-dad thinks she needs more disciplining that her mum and you and dad give.

It is quite sad because clearly, she seems to want him to act more like a dad to her (wanting to be read to at 8yo???) and it might be that in a way, he would want that too but he gets frustrated that she is not the daughter he would want, and also, sounds like his life is hectic and he is just trying to cope? Maybe he feels already guilty for not spending enough time with his own daughter?

I think the best thing to do is to continue to listen to her and provide her that attention, whilst helping her with ways to cope with the situation and learnt to accept the way he is, maybe learning to expect less from him. She is already lucky to have a loving mum, dad and step-mum, so that's something to focus on. It might be a case of learning to live under the same roof, but with little interaction if that is as good as it is going to get.

I suggested that to DP the other day but he's wary of causing her stress by such a confrontation

But she's already suffering from stress/upset either because her stepdad is genuinely being an arse to her, or because she's got issues or insecurities prompting her to try playing her parents off against each other.

At least any stress caused by a meeting between her and both her parents would be in her own best interests to make her feel better in the long run, but what she's feeing now isn't helping her at all. How else is your DP proposing to tackle this?

This is tricky. I've been in the position of being 'slagged off' to the other parent - which were fed back to my DP who felt guilty. To be honest it would have been much better for me if 'all' parents had met up including me - but I can also see how the Ex - who is pretty biased anyway - and my DP may still not have been able to get a perspective.

There may well be issues there with the step dad, however this is something that sounds as if it has just come out when there have been years when it was OK. I would give a chance for her Mum and Step Dad to hear what she has been saying at first - I think most people genuinely care and would be surprised if they wanted her to feel like that.

I would also be really wary of kids playing parents off - it's not that they are being horrible but if they can see an immediate reaction they get a sense of power that I don't think is healthy. My DSCs still play their parents off now - as they learnt to use me as a scapegoat a while ago. I think it is telling that she blames Step Dad for the break up - and only just 'remembered' OP when saying she'd like them back together. There is more going on than feeling left out. Trust that step dad and her mum do care about her and talk to them in that way - and don't undermine them.

So her mother sees all this happening but does nothing about it or am I missing something here?

I think I'd try first at least to encourage her to talk to her DM about the problems with her stepdad. Help her practice how to phrase things, work out what she needs to say and think if when would be good time to have a conversation. Her mum will find it harder to dismiss or blame you guys fire if she's hearing it direct, and she's in a better position than you or her dad are to know what's at the heart of the problems and do something about it. Keep the conversation open with her though and revisit the issue. That'll give you a better idea whether she's just been having a bad day, or it's a longer term problem.

Oh it's difficult at 8. Children are incredibly adept at playing one set of parents off against the other and this sounds like a lot that to me.

Boy have we been there done that..

I suspect that she's suddenly realising that life continues to happen at each house whilst she's not there..eg the trip to the beach. Why shouldn't her SD and SS and Mum have a day out whilst she's visiting her Dad and the other half of her family? Should your children have to wait until she arrives before they get to do anything 'nice' or out of the norm? Of course not-but it still seems most unfair when you're eight.

As regards the little sister..well, little sisters are a pain trust me, I had a beaut. They interfere, appear to get stuff you don't, are always the favourite and never ever get into trouble-even when it's their fault.

It is difficult when you have yours, theirs and ours children-wise iyswim to be seen to keep a balance, and sometimes that means having a very real conversation about how life is.

I would suggest having a sit down chat with the other adults as your post suggests that the Mum, certainly, sounds reasonable and seeing if you aren't all getting a very similar story from an eight year old who's suddenly becoming aware of the family dynamic and wondering wher exactly she fits in.