Struggling to cope with the Step-children

[Rainbow00]

I would like some advice please. I've been with my husband now for about two and half years (married about 3 months) and we've both been married before. We have four children between us, my two are daughter 18 and son 13 his are son 6 and daughter 4. To say I'm struggling with his children are an understatement. They live with us every other weekend Thursday to Monday and we have them 5 weeks holiday throughout the year. He's had to fight a lengthy court battle to get the same parental rights as mum so this kind've makes it worse that I can't connect with them. He is an amazing dad and also step-dad to my two children, taking them on as his own, but I just can't seem to accept or connect with his.

I work with young children throughout the week so I suppose get to a weekend and I like to just switch off but when their with us it's hard work. I get quite frustrated, upset, jealous, angry etc. I just don't know what to do as its now starting to affect our relationship and all we seem to do is argue and I'm also not looking forward to the children coming to us on the weekend.

There are many very helpful and honest posts here which I too find very useful to read. OP - I also feel for you, it is just not that easy and as you said - things change also from week to week!

Swing you make some very good points... I particularly like...
That's how it is though and my focus is making sure that no-one is feeling trapped and unhappy in our set-up.

It is a strange line to walk, having our own kids and trying to make sure our DPs are not unfairly pressured because of that. OP and swing and wdigin you all sound very thoughtful and are aware of anything of your own responsibilities or kids and their impact on your DP - which is something that not everyone does and you should be proud of!

Thanks Banana. It is hard though, some times you think you have sussed it all out and and all is ok, and then suddenly it isn't.

I think the error we all tend to make is to focus on trying to assess what is right and then expect everyone to aspire to do just that, when there's never a right way to do things except doing the best we can so to avoid too much upset.

It always seems to come down to lack or poor communication. When I sense things are getting a bit tense, either my way or OH's way, I make time for the two of us, usually suggesting a walk and then take a big breath and ask him what is wrong or tell him what is for me. It is usually tense, with some defensive responsiveness, but we then take the time to think things through, go over what has been said, and agree to make changes to make it better for the other person. Of course, as soon as this happens, the atmosphere lightens up and everyone feels much better.

Hi Rainbow - My DP has 2 girls 5&8 and i really feel for you. My DS is 5 so it's easier to do things all 3 of us but sometimes I just can't stand the sight of the eldest one. She makes things sooooo difficult for us (and has admitted to doing so on purpose.)

We have the same setup as you so have the kids on the same weekends... Why don't you spend one of the weekend days without his kids and do your own thing with yours or have some "me" time?

The other thing i would try not to do is over obsess about it. I have been trying so hard to make everything good for my DSD who's very troubled and who's mother has had a TERRIBLY negative effect on her due to her stupid and emotionally manipulative things she has said to her. I've realised now that i have a lot of years of this kid ahead of me and i'm not going to let her make me miserable!

I'd get a bit of space between you and his kids and when you are there be very involved in them but not make their happiness your life's work.

Good luck :) It's bloody hard work

Communication and practical solutions - good advice!

OP - I do sympathise with the horrible sinking feeling that you can get sometimes. What you feel now might not be how you'll feel in a few weeks, few months or a year. And it may not be just you. I felt really surprised and disappointed after moving in with my DP some years ago - I thought I'd continually develop a relationship with my DSCs, and I just felt less of a connection with them all, not more. Now I realise that this was more about them putting up barriers with me, and that this wasn't personal, they are pretty enclosed as a family. I thought it must be all my fault for a while. Perhaps your DSCs are also slow to let you in too?

I do feel more confident about the situation especially after this weekend and having had a good one although I'm not taking anything for granted and presuming it's going to be great from here all the time. I do anticipate we will have more ups and downs but hopefully the downs will get less over time.

It has been a struggle today as me and my DD have had words to the point of where my DH (my DD step-dad) has suggested we ask her to move out. So I feel as though I'm stuck in the middle every time, not knowing what to do for the best.

That is a big decision, asking DD to move out, you would want to be sure that was the right course of action. You say he has bonded well with your kids? Beware of the 'stuck in the middle' - if there is a problem between you and DD or DD and your DP then that just needs to be tackled together with your DP.

Yes it is big decision and I'm not sure it's the right one but the way she's treating us/grandparents/the house etc is really not that good. Yes it could be typical teenage behaviour but there other concerns. Yes my DH has bonded well with my children but his parenting is completely different to mine so I think he's struggling with my children at the moment and their behaviour.

How old is she and What has she done?

Is there any chance you making much more effort with the step kids has made her feel insecure and less treasured?

She's 18. She's been lying, disrespectful, treating the house like a hotel, spending far too much money it's out of control. Which yes I know this is behaviour of some teenagers but she is taking it to the extreme.

No I don't think it's because of my relationship with my step-children.

She's just started to have a relationship with her real dad (which is great after everything that's happened) but he's just giving her lots of money all the time and so is not helping the situation and now my DD has basically turned round and told my husband (her step-dad that has supported since we've been together) that he is nothing.

Also my DS is becoming rude, disrespectful, swearing and not very nice towards either of us at the moment.

It's just great we seem to sort one thing out then something else comes along.

Can I just add that with the smalls you really don't need to be doing the arts and crafts stuff, unless you really want to. Mine like baking and cooking with me, but I like eating cake, and food has to be made so they do that with me as a bonding activity. If I had to do arts and crafts with anyone I would quite probably hate them.