Struggling to cope with the Step-children

[Rainbow00]

I would like some advice please. I've been with my husband now for about two and half years (married about 3 months) and we've both been married before. We have four children between us, my two are daughter 18 and son 13 his are son 6 and daughter 4. To say I'm struggling with his children are an understatement. They live with us every other weekend Thursday to Monday and we have them 5 weeks holiday throughout the year. He's had to fight a lengthy court battle to get the same parental rights as mum so this kind've makes it worse that I can't connect with them. He is an amazing dad and also step-dad to my two children, taking them on as his own, but I just can't seem to accept or connect with his.

I work with young children throughout the week so I suppose get to a weekend and I like to just switch off but when their with us it's hard work. I get quite frustrated, upset, jealous, angry etc. I just don't know what to do as its now starting to affect our relationship and all we seem to do is argue and I'm also not looking forward to the children coming to us on the weekend.

Excellent post swing

OP if you didnt want more children then why on earth did you choose to marry and live with someone who has small children?

I guess although you love your DP, and your feelings are best expressed, you have at least 10 years ahead of EOW with his kids while yours will have become independent.

Maybe you will start to adjust, but you will have a bit of soul searching over the next year to see if you can really live with this situation.

I don't know yellowpansies! I worried my 12 year old would struggle when I had another baby but she's been amazing and very understanding! It depends in the child

I think maybe you're seeing the step kids as work because you work with children their ages? And thinking about what you should be doing rather than letting it just happen?

Do you like them? I mean, their personslities and interests and sense of humour? You don't have to answer on here, but think about it.

How do your kids get on with his? I know that it should be clear the littlies need more attention in some ways, but teenagers can be very self involved and easy to upset, they may still feel jealous?

You've had a hard time on here and I get why, but it's good that you're honest with dp about the issues you're having and that you want them to improve

Thanks SurlyCue and throwingpebbles

i fell in love with him and having had children myself thought it would come naturally I suppose which now in hindsight I can see was a bit silly.

Yes I think I do think of it like work as I should be entertaining them and doing all the arts and crafts etc. Sometimes I do that with them but it just feels like work and sometimes not enjoyable. I have taken them out and look after them on my own quite a bit as my husband plays sports so is out some times on the weekend and we get on really well whilst the dads not around. I think I'm probably jealous of them as well which I know is not great but I do struggle with it.

My DSD I like, she's a challenge, cheeky and quite adorable (sometimes!) but my DSS I struggle with more as he's very old for his age in some ways. Although he's 6 he is very bright more like a 8/9 year old which is great don't get me wrong but I just feel he's missing out on being just a boy doing the young things as he's got plenty of time to grow up and I know this is going to sound not great but thinks he knows it all and will quite happily tell you if you are wrong and also tells stories to his mum (which yes I know all children do but the mum listens to him and takes everything he says as right causing issues for me and my husband)

My DS is fine he's a teenager so kind've interacts now and then. My DD did appear jealous of my DSD at the start and although I think that has settled down although she sometimes comments about different things which makes me think she is jealous.

I note your point about 'not getting used to it',I don't think you will, not if you follow your current way of thinking. Which leads to 2 options really, 1st is you carry on dreading every other weekend, which will probably get worse and worse until you cant take anymore, or you take a deep breath, do some research, and try and change things - changing the children will be hard, so could you change your own view? Maybe you think you shouldn't, but that's the one part you can control

You dont have to be the childrens mother, they have one, but you can be their friend

are you being left to parent rather than their father doing the job he fought for? because it is a job-just an unpaid one and if that is your paid job thru the week , i can understand why you need a break at the weekend. Everybody needs a break at the weekend , not an unpaid continuation of what they do thru the week. He is brushing off your attempts to discuss this and not taking your issues seriously. Is this because he just wants you to be the substitute parent and be quiet? I'd be questioning his motivation in being with you.

Yes I look after them when he's not around as he enjoys playing his sport so I don't mind as it's something he enjoys doing. I sometimes take them to watch which they seem to enjoy. Maybe I do need to step back when he is around though and let him parent them but I suppose being a mum it just is natural for me to do the things for his children like I would do my own.

I suppose I've been thinking I need to be a step-mum to them rather than a friend, so I might go back to trying to be their friend and see how that goes and leave the parenting to their dad.

If I was only seeing my dc eow, I would not be leaving them to go off and play sport. I would want to be with them every minute that I could be.

I think the problem is that he is expecting/letting you do the parenting. That's his job. You should be joining in some activities and letting him do the bulk by himself while you have a rest from work/see your friends/spend time with your own dc if they are around.

Without the pressure of responsibility you might enjoy them more.

Every family is different, I know, but I am not keen on the sound of your DH going off and doing sports at the w/end.

I was very much in the background when my s/kids started coming round to the house. Don't get me wrong, I contributed loads (clothes washing and ironing, decorating bedrooms, food shopping and cooking, organising time away). However, DP remained "front and centre" on our w/ends for a long time and I gradually joined them IYKWIM. That said, I made sure that I kept a lot of "me time". It worked well for all of us - we're all still talking 10 years later and adult s/kids visit weekly anyway! Another thing, it takes a long time on all sides. It was probably 3-4 years before we had all settled with each other.

Yes I appreciate that him playing sport maybe the wrong thing on the weekends we have his children but if you join a team you can't really let them down every other week and he's enjoys it and we enjoy going to watch him. If they lived with us all the time he would play his sport every week anyway so they wouldn't seem him. He does make most of the time when he's with them he is a very good dad but yes I do think I need to step back and let him parent.
We've always tried to keep the family dynamics as normal as possible when the children are here so theres not a split between the families and me with my kids and him with his kids. I definitely think though without some of the responsibility I might start to enjoy them.

I think it's nice he gets to do his sport, and having time with just you and the DSC can be a way to build a relationship. Maybe you could take more time out to yourself when he's back from his sport? Or if you're not in the mood for interactive parenting one week, then let them watch a movie?

Yes we have regular movie nights which is quite nice. I think since I've been writing these posts and reading the responses it is probably more me with the issues than anyone else. I shouldn't of thought it would be easy as I had my own kids and that it would all be great. We are due to have them for one day this weekend and (yes I know it sounds rubbish) but I'm going to try really hard and start to be their friend before anything else

This thing about him doing his sport....how did it come about? It is nice that you should offer to look after them when he does his sport BUT... is he now taking it for granted? Could it be that although you want to do things to make him happy because you love him, you are starting to question whether he is taking advantages (even if it is not his intention). After all, what did he do before you moved in with him? Did someone else look after the children or did he accept he couldn't do his sport?

I think it is very common for new partners to want to do a lot to please the man they have fallen in love with, but then routine sets in, things start to be taken for granted, resentment sets in.

However much you might want to make him happy, you need to only do it if you really don't mind doing yourself, not do so just to please him and even then, you need to make it clear that his children remain his responsibility and that at any time things could change (you might one day sign up for an activity that happens to be at the same time).

Do take a step back from looking after them. They come to see their dad not you, so even though it is essential you get to know and appreciate each other, it is dad whose got to do the parenting, not you.

He use to do it before his children so wanted to re-start it again and I'm fine with that. He never use to have his children every over weekend until we moved in, it was only one day a weekend.

Yes maybe sometime for me over the weekends that they're here would be good.

Rainbow I feel for you so much. That could have me been writing that post over 40 years ago! It's no good trying to rationalise it - all this stuff about 4 and 6 being lovely ages and arts and crafts and god knows what else. None of this is going to alter your feelings about the step children, especially the boy.

I could never connect or feel for my SC (and they didn't come half as much as yours do) and I hated myself for it - made me feel guilty - how could I not love a pretty 7 year old girl, but I felt all the emotions you mentioned in your first post and they never went away............there were years of arguments, tensions, unhappiness. I saw it from both sides - my DP was SF to my eldest son and then we had one together, and DP used to pick on my son for stupid little things and I used to intervene - always (we become like tigers to protect our own - it's called instinct!) He could see no wrong in his kids at all and always said "well you have your son all the time, I only see mine at weekends" etc. etc. I was young at the time, we had money troubles and I used to pour my heart out to my best friend. There was no MN in those days and not nearly so many "blended" families. I think my SC must have felt unwanted (although I desperately tried not to show it) and my own kids of course were around to hear all the arguments.

FF 40 years + and SC are grown with their own families - one doing well and we have a good r/ship now, the other one - least said the better. DP and my son get on incredibly well and DP won't have a word against him, so that came good. BUT if I'd have known how many years of tension and unhappiness was in store I would have run a mile.

DP and I are still together and have weathered all the storms but I absolutely feel for you Rainbow - there are no easy solutions either. You can't turn feelings on and off - not possible. Step parenting isn't natural - animals don't do it. I often say this but it's true - the lion will kill the young of the lioness if he wants to mate with her to preserve his gene pool. Says it all really!

Swing, re your 10 September post, I waited 13 years to marry my DH, all our children were grown with lives of their own, still doesn't guarantee that you know how things will work out....but I take your very salient point!

Nananina, you've hit the nail precisely on the head!

I hope it works out for you x

And thank you for the more constructive advice towards the end of this post it's helped me quite a bit too x

Thank you NanaNina it's good to know I'm not the only one feeling/have been through this and I'm not a bad person for feeling the things I'm feeling.

So we had the children last week on Sunday just for the day and it was great. We all had a great day swimming, park, feeding the ducks.
They arrived Thursday for the first weekend in 4 weeks and although I was a little nervous about them coming I was looking forward to it to. It's my DSD first time at school so hearing all about that was exciting and my DSS had lots to say to which was great listening to him. Although a couple of times I did get a little bit frustrated with my DSS as he was being a little big for his boots and saying some not very nice things but I managed to ignore them and just moved on to the next thing.
Overall we've had a great weekend, doing lots of sport, playing as well as just chilling today. I know it's only one weekend and it should be like this every weekend and we've got a long way to go but I'm positive it'll stay getting better.
The only problem is it's now my own DD causing concern and problems!!

You need to see his know it all attitude as him feeling out of his depth

Also when DS says nasty things, its because he feels horrid inside.

If you can find small things that you genuinely like about him and dwell on those, it's a start.

Lastly fake it to make it. Go through the motions of loving/caring/delighting/treasuring because quite often the feelings can become real.

Listening is great too. They probably feel a bit jealous and Insecure about you too.

Why is it we sort one thing out and then another thing comes along is it not possible that we can just have a week of no issues ??. Both my DD and DS are now having issues of their own and it's really crap as I feel now that I've started to sort out my issues with my step-children my own are causing concerns. I just feel like crap at the moment and not knowing what to do for the best.

Yes they probably do as its all change for them to. Small steps though and hopefully it'll get better.

Swing, re your 10 September post, I waited 13 years to marry my DH, all our children were grown with lives of their own, still doesn't guarantee that you know how things will work out....but I take your very salient point!
Oh I agree with that, my situation is a bit different as there are step-children only on one side (my children), but still it has been a real learning curve for us and still is everyday.

Why I am finding hard is to see my OH growing away from my kids rather than the other way around. I understand why, they are teenagers and teenagers are a pain, and you cope with all the rubbish that comes with it because you love them. If you don't have that love, well it makes it harder to like them. I do trust that when they get out of this ungrateful, uninteresting phase, things will get better, but still I wish OH made a bit more of an effort.

That's how it is though and my focus is making sure that no-one is feeling trapped and unhappy in our set-up. There are things I would like to say to OH, but I let go because it would put unfair pressure on him. However, I also know that there are things he wishes I did differently, but let's go off too. It means that we are keeping status quo and avoiding the built up of resentment.

I know that nothing is acquired and yes, I do feel anxious at times that DS hormones will get worse and that tension might really start off between him and OH, but I am taking it day by day and hopefully I will continue to find the right balance so that neither feel I am treating them unfairly.

It is all very hard work, but also very rewarding. I've managed to make amends with my own step-mum after a very horrible relationship between us during my teenage years and that also feels good. She had told me recently once again that she wishes she could turn back time and do things differently and that is very touching. It was almost worth all the sorrow to allow both of us to grow and appreciate the good things!