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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing contact arrangements officially. Sorry if it's too long x

46 replies

m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 11:54

There's been quite a few threads recently about maintenance payments? Has anyone on here been in a position of having to reduce maintenance payments with increased contact?

The backstory is so long I could write a book but I'll try and compress it!

DP has always paid a massively inflated amount of maintenance considering his income. When we got together he was barely managing to keep a roof over his head and also paying off a debt that his exw knowingly and borderline illegally got him into! I paid off that debt for him, bought us a house and paid the majority of bills etc so he could continue paying the amount anything for a quiet life The same as a recent thread she started demanding more money (I guess seeing us in a new house etc made her believe he had won the lottery no matter how often he tried to tell her). Anyway she went to the CSA, tried to get him done for tax avoidance etc. The amount the CMS calculated was hundreds a month less than he was paying Hmm. So he reduced the amount he was giving his children his exw. Not by a lot but enough that he could contribute more to our household. The exw isn't short of money nor is she rolling in it, she is comfortable so we know the children are not 'suffering' this much I know although if I said how I know I could out myself! A family could easily live off the amount if maintenance he gives, never mind the fact he pays for extra stuff too.

Fast forward to the last few months. The current contact arrangement has become unworkable. He sees the children officially EOW and a night in between. We live quite a distance from their school, housing there is extortionate and we couldn't afford to live there. DP is flexible as possible to take them out with this time but getting a text with 2 hours notice for an ON stay and school drop off is unreasonable. If he can't she sends abusive messages. He is looking into making the arrangement more regular officially. At least we know where things are at and he sees the kids regularly. He would need to cut his hours at work though. This would definitely impact on his maintenance and even though he we currently pay a lot more than he can afford I wouldn't be happy to subsidies it as much if the DC are here more.

Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position of changing contact arrangements and reducing work hours? There is no other way of doing it in our situation. He could not pick up and drop off the children working the hours he does.

OP posts:
elliebellys · 08/09/2015 13:28

What contact changes are you hoping for?.50/50 split ?.how old are the dcs, bcos theyre wishes would be taken into accont in a court order.as for maintenance proper shared care now means no csa payments need to be made.

Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 16:15

It's not about reducing maintenance just about seeing the kids regularly, some kind of routine for them and us. Maintenance reduction would be a result of that.

They currently come Friday after school until Sunday tea time sometimes Monday drop of at school, again deoendant on mothers diary. Then usually Sunday morning till Monday drop of, either at school or early to the mothers. They are 6 and 10. I'm sure they would be okay with it but I fear the mother may say negative things to them about it. She does that currently which is hard when we hear the things they say but nothing we can do about that.

We were thinking possibly Friday till Thursday morning drop at school. Between us it is workable but DP would need to reduce his work in order to pick them up and drop them off.

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 08/09/2015 16:30

if you have them Friday through to Thursday, when is 'the mother' going to get to see them?

Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 16:36

Not every week, week about fedup we are trying to find a compromise not to piss 'the mother' off but so that the kids, her and we know what's hapoening from 1 day to the next. At the moment it's just a shambles depending on her plans! It's impossible to manage Confused

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Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 16:37

And it would be DP 'having' them not me.

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Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 16:48

How do others share contact when there is a distance between house and school? How do you work it with work/school drop off etc? Any suggestions more than welcome Smile

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elliebellys · 08/09/2015 17:56

But would it be workable,say if dcs are off school ill or other unforseen reason.would your dp be able to not work for those times.you shoulnt have to just rely on your salary to keep your houshold running.

swingofthings · 08/09/2015 19:03

No offense but I think you are really looking at starting WW3. Things are already tense as a result of the issue with maintenance. Ok, it was her fault, but ultimately, she is paying for the outcome.

You now want to change contact to suit you when until now, it's hasn't been an issue for your OH. Not just that, but then it will result in him paying even less maintenance.

Are you really sure this is a good idea at this time? She will go mad and that inevitably will impact on the kids. It will be easy to then say that she is a terrible mother for using the kids against you and the rest, but frankly, you will be steering trouble by suddenly coming up with this new arrangement.

There is nothing wrong with flexible arrangements as long as it suits both parents. It seems that your OH was ok with it for some time, but suddenly isn't. Maybe it would be respectful to let her know why and to actually ask her what she would suggest to make it work rather than starting to tell her what you want.

I can just see how this is all going to go, parents at war, both trying to convince themselves that they are the better parent, others getting involved, and the children, who had settled in a secure arrangements torn apart between two parents at each other's throats...all for a bit of money and more personal comfort...

Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 19:33

I know what you mean. DP doesn't mind being flexible and neither do I. It worked fine but it's her that's started just expecting us to adapt at the drop of a hat depending on her schedule with no warning. When neither of us are in a position to do it she kicks off. It's happening all the time now. It's not manageable at all. Like I said were not trying to piss her off, it seems that she is generally oissed of if he is not able to do exactly what she wants. I'm not sure what a solution is Confused

As for the money, she still gets several hundred pounds pm more than DP alone can afford. If I was trying to be awkward I would get DP to pay his way here but I don't because, basically I can't be arsed with the drama it would cause.

The kids don't know where they're spending 1 night to the next. Doesn't seem to bother them to be fair. I don't know what the solution is.

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Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 19:34

If the DC were off school ill DP would just have to stay home, this has happened before

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captainproton · 08/09/2015 19:46

Well we are not local to Dss school, but we are closer than his mum. It's a very long and boring story and doesn't make sense. We do get asked to have Dss more than the official EOW rule, but it incurs a cost to us as Dss needs to get trains to and from school to our house and we have to pay the fares when we are doing the ex a favour.

We had Dss for 6 months this year as his mum had an operation and she couldn't take him to school (by car as no direct public transport). We only agreed if we could suspend maintenance until he went back to hers as normal.

DH pays maintenance but he stopped paying his mobile bill so we could use the money for extra rail fares.

Dss is not allowed to just turn up here, his mum needs to ask first. It's not always possible, and we may have other plans. But the contact schedule is 'official' and there is a bit in there about flexibility and givi as much notice as possible. If it's not possible DH will say no, would normally always say yes, and well it's not his problem to sort out if the ex can't cope with the school run on a certain day.

Yellowpansies · 08/09/2015 20:15

Presumably she's asking for extras because she either needs to work odd hours, or wants to go out socially and it's easier/cheaper/nicer for the kids than getting a babysitter or childminder?

I'm not sure how switching to a week on, week off schedule would help that at all would it? She's still going to be asking for swaps if she needs/wants them. And I don't think that kind of 50-50ish contact does work well unless you are both local enough to do school runs, play dates, clubs, etc. Is there a regular issue behind the extra requests? Would, say, having them Sunday til Tuesday every week help?

sonnyson12 · 08/09/2015 20:35

3Cheeky,

Maintenance is not required in 50/50 arrangements and there is no 'nrp' in that scenario or thankfully any scenario as the term is now obsolete.

Both parents have the responsibility to financially provide for their child/ren, and in the majority of cases the father has to do this without any child benefit/tax credits, which in my opinion ought to be shared accordingly.

sonnyson12 · 08/09/2015 20:37

I've just posted on the wrong thread.

Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 20:38

Captain the kids are really too young to make their own way here. When your DP says no does their mother kick off or accept it? If there was more notice it would be fine, sometimes I genuinelly think she just does it to start trouble knowing DP can't just change his work commitments At the last minute. Obviously if there was some emergency with the DC that would be different but deciding at 3:30 'the girls are coming over for cocktails' isn't really an emergency Hmm that was Saturday, we had plans we couldn't change but she is still going on about what a shit father is.

He wants to see his DC as much as possible so if he can help her out he will but it's never enough. At least if it was more frequent and set everyone would know where they stand.

I don't think Sunday to Tuesday would work. They would never be here for a full weekend day so couldn't do any fun stuff with them. It's a difficult situation really.

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Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 20:39

Grin Grin sonny

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elliebellys · 08/09/2015 22:14

Captain your attitude comes across as appalling.iv read some of your past posts but from this last post i can now understand why step mums can get bashed.dss not allowed to come to yours unless mum asks first,even when shes ill theres strings attached.jesus iv read it all now.

riverboat1 · 08/09/2015 22:18

We live a 40m drive from DSS's school, whereas his mum is right next door. We have DSS EOW Thurs pick up - Mon drop off, but it luckily works out as it is vaguely on the way (ie not too massive a detour) to DP's work.

I agree with a PP that even if you move to 50/50 what is to stop their mum still asking for last minute favours and swaps? Or are you saying that at the moment it seems their mum just generally wants their dad to take them more, so if you formalise 50/50 she is likely to be able to contain her own child-free needs in her child-free portion of the week?

Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 22:33

Yeah possibly river. We just felt that rather than her dictating and feeling she has the right to verbally abuse DP the way she is it might be easier. Then everyone knows where they stand. Perhaps if things improved in the future a bit of give and take could sneak back in. It's so sad it's like this, DP isn't entirely blameless with things in the past but he has gone out of his way to try and accommodate her. The way she speaks to him is disgusting, it's become too much. He isn't her verbal punch bag!

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Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 22:34

And he shouldn't have to rely on her schedule dictating when he does or doesn't see his children!

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Yellowpansies · 08/09/2015 22:47

When you say her schedule, to you mean a work schedule? Or social plans that she makes at the last minute?

Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 23:01

Both really! She could give us more warning about the work, she chooses not to.

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Original poster
m1nniedriver · 08/09/2015 23:05

That's why I think she does it for the drama, absolutely no need. She knows weeks in advance what she will be working, leaves it till the night before or a few hours etc.

If there was a set arrangement there would be no 'guilt' on FPs side if he couldn't help.

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coffeeisnectar · 08/09/2015 23:16

For the sake of the kids I'd want this formalised. How on earth can they get to do anything like go to a friend's or do activities if they never know where they are going to be?

Mediation is the first step and I suggest your dh starts that process.

Yellowpansies · 08/09/2015 23:16

Can your DP calmly ask her to sit down with her work schedule and go through a few weeks at a time when she'll want him to have the kids? Is it possible the last minute nature of it is a consequence of their communication having been very poor lately?

Unless she gets to chose her work schedule then she's likely to need your DP to fit in with it, and switching to a week on/week off rota isn't going to help at all (unless she happens to have a fortnightly rota)

But and your DP ought to be able to work out calmly when he'll have the kids as soon as she knows her rota. Last minute requests for social reasons can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Your DP shouldn't feel he needs to accept all of them.