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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

im actually going to scream.

22 replies

Neverenuff · 04/09/2015 16:09

I don't think step parenting is for me.

I feel like no matter what I say to dp these days he feels is a personal attack on him or his precious children.

I just feel nothing I say or do is right. DP used to listen to me and my opinion and we would talk stuff through. Now it just turns into an arguement and like I am picking on /bullying him and his kids.

Honestly if I make it through this weekend I'll be doing well.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 04/09/2015 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 04/09/2015 16:30

He thinks its me that's causing the issues.

I've tried talking and it just ends in an arguement. I'm really at my wits end. I don't know what to do and right now I'm not sure I want to continue being with dp. It a like he is refusing to see anything from my point of view anymore and that's just not going to work.

I got told yesterday we wee keeping kids on Sunday night. (Normally they go back to mums) I wasn't asked. It was decided without me. Which would be fine if I didn't live in the house or have already made plans for me and dp.
There's so many things that's happened I can't even begin to tell you. But its all coming to a head now and I'm about to blow.

OP posts:

BlueBlueSea · 04/09/2015 21:34

I don't think Step Parenting is for many of us.

What ever you do can be wrong. Show too much interest and concern and you are interfering, step away and you do not care.

The best solution I find is to step away. I make a few comments if I feel DH is being taken advantage of, otherwise I just keep quiet.

If the kids are there on Sunday do you need to change your plans, can you take them with you or get a babysitter?

It does get better as they get older, now we can go out for dinner and leave the kids at home with a pizza and film. Makes life so much easier.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 05/09/2015 00:30

Well what I had planned needs cancelled. I'm just so annoyed at DP. I just wish he would consider me in the plans.

I know his kids come first and I wouldnt change that but its just the total disregard for how I feel.

Everything has been so hard lately and it would just be nice if he thought 'neverenuff has a lot on her plate I'll not add to it'

Instead he just aggravates me by telling me what's happening and not asking me. I think this is the problem I have. I lose control when he starts telling me wjattodo do or whats going on. Best of it is if he just asked I'd probably not have a problem with it.

OP posts:

Wewereneverbeingboring · 05/09/2015 00:36

Sorry but it doesn't sound like your DP is going to change his ways. So what are you going to do? What are the "consequences" for him disrespecting you?

Original poster

Neverenuff · 05/09/2015 00:39

I have no idea.

I wish I knew how to fix everything. It's all went pearshaped since I moved in. Maybe I need to move out till the kids have grown up. I dunno.

If I'd known it was so so hard I might not have moved.

OP posts:

Wewereneverbeingboring · 05/09/2015 14:25

Personally I moved out, and that was with me having a supportive DH!

Can you give an example of how your DP feels you are picking on him/his DC? Do you need to just step back a bit or is he a Disney dad?

DSC/parenting issues aside your DP sounds like he doesn't respect you much. He doesn't have to ask your "permission" before agreeing to additional contact but it's only polite to run it by you first in case other plans are already in place. He's prioritising his ex's wants over yours.

I guess before you moved in he had to consider your needs otherwise he wouldn't have got to see you as often as he'd want. Now you're always there in the background and in his bed every night he doesn't need to make time for you, he can just pick you up and put you back down entirely at his convenience with no repercussions for him other than you getting upset, which doesn't seem to bother him.

Sounds like this man's not for you.

Wdigin2this · 13/09/2015 13:25

Wherewere, you've hit the nail on the head!
Never, before you moved in he HAD to make time for you, now he doesn't, it's as simple as that! I've been with DH decades and he still does this, plans are made, and changed at the last second because one particular, supposedly grown up DSC needs DF....RUGHT NOW! It was ever thus and it probably always will be, no amount of 'discussion' will change it! I have often felt like you!

m1nniedriver · 13/09/2015 17:36

I had this issue with When DP and I got together. I left things be for about a year or so but then I gave him an ultimatum. He would make plans (out with contact time) with his exW for taking the kids discussing things with me. It's not about putting the kids 1st it's about prioritising the exs schefule over all else and it's not on. He realised this and he rarely ever takes the children out with contact time without checking with me 1st. It's about teamwork really. His ex has been awkward recently but that's not DPs fault. If WE can alter plans etc to take them we do coz DZp loves his kids and wants to see them as much as posdible but it fits in with our lives, not us fitting in with his ex. We're fkexible but not tied ITSWIM.

OP this would definitely be a deal breaker for me If I was you. I would sit him down and tell him that if he doesn't feel your important enough to be involved in planning your own life with him then obviously he doesn't respect or place your rekationship And you happiness enough to spend the rest of your lives together

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 01:26

OMG I understand totally, I try to help and i'm interfering, I stand back and im distant and horrible. Im not allowed to tell them off because he is worried the son will go tell the ex (I say so what if he does). The 3 1/2 year old isn't toilet trained so if if I put him on the toilet 'im upsetting him, if I don't and there is a mess its my fault (not sure how). just yesterday he pooed his pants at the park, I gave him a nudge and said go tell your dad, he tripped and as far at dad was concerned I pushed him over on purpose. Cant win

AvaCrowder · 14/09/2015 01:45

Honestly WSM your dh thinks that you hurt little children for fun and he is still with you. You can win by being with a man who doesn't think that you are a child abuser.

WSM123 · 14/09/2015 01:57

Im beginning to see that thanx Ava

Wdigin2this · 14/09/2015 08:37

WSM, you are still with this guy....why exactly?

Original poster

Neverenuff · 14/09/2015 10:12

WSM you are having a time of it. Poor thing. I think you need to get rid.

I have had a chat with dp although I doubt much will change. I think I just need to keep having the same conversations every couple of weeks. because things do change for a week or so, maybe a month but always reverts back to old ways.

In my head we all have to adjust to each other. not just me to adjust to the kids. DP and I only ever argue about kids. Everything else is ok. So I think we just need to work through it. Oh tea and cake this morning I think. xx

OP posts:

fireinthehole · 14/09/2015 12:03

Neverenuff, I do sympathise having been through this a few times myself. If you want to stay with your DP then maybe you could try some counselling? There's also a very good Relate book on step parenting and I think your situation is quite a normal thing.

Can anyone else recommend books or other help that they have tried with success?

Please don't give up, talk to your DP about whether the objectivity of an experienced third party might help. It's very easy to feel totally overwhelmed I know. Sending big hugs xx

mrjobson67 · 14/09/2015 13:44

I totally understand this frustrating situation. Over the last few years I've been in conversations where it is ok for my partner to have her opinions about her son (my step-son), but when-ever I have my opinions, she jumps on the defense and I'm left feeling that I just pick on him.

Step-parenting is truly draining and WEIRD!!!

fireinthehole · 14/09/2015 14:28

yeah I guess it's understandable though. Your first instinct is to jump to the defense of your kid isn't it?

Wdigin2this · 14/09/2015 14:31

You said it Mrjob!! And after decades with my DH, I'm sad to tell you nothing much changes! We're currently at a stalemate over one DSC's ever-ongoing, financial dependency on us! He knows it's wrong on so many fronts, he's admitted it....but for some reason he just cannot say no, so the entitlement is growing to epic proportions!

Original poster

Neverenuff · 14/09/2015 15:17

Fire - of course you would jump to the kids defense. Why wouldn't you?

But at the same time, my dp should try to understand- that as I am not a parent and these children are not mine I will struggle and need his help. So when I try to speak to him about issues or problems I'm having instead of getting defensive and thinking I am attacking him or his kids it would be nice if he just listened and tried to make an effort to make things a little easier on us all.

OP posts:

fireinthehole · 14/09/2015 15:24

I do truly empathise Neverenuff. You seem to be at a stalemate. Do you think he would agree to some counselling? It might be a way forward.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 14/09/2015 15:53

I don't think so. I really don't think he understands the issues I have. Im beginning to feel like I am resenting his kids but I know deep down I don't. it's the shitty situations Im faced with daily and its just one after the other just now.

Will see how the next few weeks go then maybe suggest some counselling.

OP posts:

fireinthehole · 14/09/2015 15:54

You could maybe try it by yourself to see if they can help you deal with the situation better?

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