starting a relationship with someone with DC

[Lottie24]

Hi all,

I wasn't sure whether to post this in relationships or in step-parenting, so I hope this is okay. I've previously been in a relationship with someone who had a DC and it was absolutely horrendous. The problem wasn't his DS though it was him - DS was a lovely little boy. Any problems surrounding DS were because ex-DP wasn't taking responsibility and expecting me to do too much. I do miss his DS but I certainly don't miss the relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it.

Fast forward several months and I'm finding myself falling for one of my closest friends who also has a DC - and he has said he has feelings for me too. Part of me thinks I don't want to get involved with another parent, I don't need that kind of hassle in my life, but another part of me thinks it's not a huge problem. My friend is amazing with his DD. I've only met her from a friend point of view but she's lovely.

I think the problem last time was things got far too serious far too quickly with my ex and he expected me to be mum to his DS. I don't quite know how best to handle this new situation. How do we take things slowly? I don't want to act like his DD isn't a huge part of his life, she is, but I also don't want things to get too serious any time soon and neither does he. I think it's pretty new territory for all of us and we're really conscious of keeping things slow, but if any of you lovely people could advise, that would be great.

sorry meant to say as it's not clear from my OP, I don't have any children of my own.

I didn't see my other halfs do for about six months into our relationship and even then it was very rarely then as it got more serious we increased the time and had overnight stays etc. now we all live together and have dps ds every weekend and everything goes well. And if you don't feel comfortable with having as much responsibility for his dc then speak to him and explain this? Should be fine.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go about it. My now husband met my DC only 2 weeks after he met me. Some would have said much too soon but... for one, it was the first man I had met in 6 years who my gut instinct told me would lead to something serious, so it's not as if my DC were used to meeting different men, and... it was essential to both of us to make sure that they appreciated each other before even considering taking things further.

OH (who has no children and in truth isn't much attracted to children as a whole) had a bad experience with a previous relationship as he just couldn't stand the DD of his partner, so it was important for him to get a feel that my children were well behaved. From my perspective, I needed to feel that they appreciated him as a person. Thankfully, they got along brilliantly from the start and we knew we could take further. It became serious quickly, but we didn't move together for 18 months.

It hasn't always been easy of course, but it works for all of us because we are all on the same wavelength, that is that my OH doesn't try to be a father to them, but is respectful of their place in my life and in our house. My children appreciate that he is entitled to have some rules to be respected even if they don't agree with them. I raise my children with my values and do what I think is right, which he respects, but I will certainly welcome his opinion. Ultimately, we do share very similar views on raising children and discipline, so except for the fact that he does struggle with the state of DS bedroom, there are no issues at all.

My advice would be to be honest from the start how you envision your role as a potential SM and same with him. It can be awkward to start this conversation, deciding when it is appropriate to do so, but at the same time, better than wait until you are madly in love, but discover that you have totally different concept to step-parenting.

If I were to be single and had to start again. I'd avoid a man with kids. purely based on my experience with my dp. Of course if you can get along with the kids mother then that's a start. I'm almost 4 years on and things are getting worse instead of better and I'm really having to consider if it's all worth it.

It's a tricky question to ask and to be honest just go with your gut. Talk to your dp and just see what happens.

Be honest and know your limits and values early on. How old is the child? What's this guy's relationship with the other parent like? If difficult, take note. My ex fiance had terrible relationships with his kids' mothers - one reason I couldn't marry him. I think swing has it right - if you have similar parental values that will go a long way.