Teenage step kids turning into adults, help!

[Ilikemangoes123]

Anyone else had experience of this? My DSD really resents me and I'm just so tired of it all.

I have been a step mum to 3 DSCs for 6 years. DSD1 has been resident full-time with us for that 6 years as her own mum finds her 'too hard work'. It's not been easy, although at some points I thought I was getting through and building some kind of relationship, but it seems to be getting worse now DSD1 is 19.

She doesn't cooperate at all with me, refuses to do anything I ask because 'I'm not her parent' - yet I'm the one most often around her, in the house, I can't just let her be rude to my friends/son for example. I tried to choose only a few important respectful rules, I've tried to be kind, I've given her help, looked after her when she was sick. She treats her sisters with respect but that is it. She'll often shout at her Dad if he tries to ask her to do anything too but she saves her deep resentment for me.

I really don't know what to do. I've spoken to my OH, she gets a little better but then just goes back to ignoring me. Her mum tells her she doesn't have to do anything that I say. The atmosphere in the house is pretty hard to live with and I often think of just moving out myself so that I don't have to live with someone resenting me all the time. I've even tried to have more of an adult 'chat' with her - said that I'm not trying to take over being her mum, that I care for her, that of course it's not always easy having a step mum but that if she doesn't cooperate and ignores me it affects the whole household. She didn't seem to care.

I would have left long ago, tbh. I couldn't live with that level of disrespect and I wouldn't want my child to witness it, either. Your partner needs to sort his children out and if they are adult and disrespectful, they shouldn't be living with you.

Thanks ImperialBlether - I have been on the verge of leaving a couple of times. A couple of things stop me, we have a child together and it feels a bit like I'm letting that child down - and the hope that DSD would get better - it felt like it was better for a while but really she just doesn't care. I wonder whether I get all of her anger about her own mother - because she's really nice to her mum - yet she was the one who didn't want to live with her from the age of 12.

It probably is that, but I would now be at the point where I didn't really care what her reasoning is.

You're not letting your child down; you're showing all of the children that you won't live somewhere where you are disrespected. That is actually a very good lesson for them to learn.

Where's your OH in all this? What does he do to try to put this right?

Yep I agree with imperial.

Your probally right about how she feels but that doesn't mean that you and your DS get to be the house punch bag.

OH did have a big 'serious' chat with her last year. And she did start to be pleasant for a few months but then it started again to deteriorate, and every time I pulled her up she went running to her Dad behind my back. I don't think he notices the bad atmosphere!

You need to start with your OH.

Whilst he doesn't see a problem you are going to go nowhere with this.

DSD can't be allowed to see you both as anything but a united team when it comes to her behaviour.

So I'd go back to your ground rules, agree them with OH and the consequences for breaking them and then speak to DSD together.

Crucially- follow through when she breaks them and remind her that it's your house your rules regardless of what her mum says.

I think if you left it would give them all a huge awakening. He can afford to ignore her moods when he's not the one being attacked.

Jeeze her mum said she doesn't have to listen to you but can't handle her herself? Not helping is she . I'd be sending her back to mum.

Her mum's a nightmare tbh. Also really resents me although I wasn't the 'other woman' and was only ever nice to her. I'm sure it affects my DSCs - like a big barrier I can't get through.

I think it will take something big like moving out. My OH and DSD are too entrenched in their own way of doing things to listen to me. And because I'm the only one raising the issue I get labelled as the 'difficult one'. Although even my son gets cross when she talks to her Dad with contempt - no-one else, even her sisters, ever stick up for their Dad - except my own son!

Well maybe they do need a wake up call then.

I don't really like suggesting leaving and blaming DSD for that though.

I think tell your OH you are at your wits end and thinking about some time out.

Thanks Yellow/Imerial/LetChips/Glitter for all your advice.

It is such a strange position being a step mum isn't it! I felt like I was parachuted into a family that was very closed until I turned up - and had ignored a lot of problems. Each family is different, but for a 'blended' (hate that word) one - it is like you both have to adjust.

In my case most people didn't adjust at all and my DSD does treat me and my son like outsiders. I wouldn't leave and blame DSD - it is my OH who is the key to change here - although I do think at some point the DSCs need to take some responsibility if they are making life difficult, driving a wedge between their Dad and GF.

You need to wake your OH the hell up!! If it takes you explaining to him that you can't go on living in this disrespectful household, and that you're moving out for some 'thinking time'...then go do it!