How do I not be a wicked stepmum

[boredbylaundry]

I am posting this hoping to get some good advice. Please .

I have a dp of nearly 2 years. Long distance relationship so far technically as his dc live far away. but spend lot of time together as manage to be together through work ( I am part time ) and holidays / weekends ( my lovely parents looking after my son when I am away )?He also spends a lot of time at my home and has a super relationship with my ds 8... Plan is for ds and I to relocate and share a home with dp when " time right " for all concerned. Would like to get married in future and certainly want to set up home together. We are starting to move towards that now.

He has 3 dc .. Lovely kids. Began to slowly spend some weekends together recently with them. i feel enormously protective and really really really like them. Feel their mum must be doing rather a lot right as such darlings. Just think perhaps her and dp were bad match.

His divorce was difficult as he wanted shared custody. Lovely dad. They love him. Not a Disney dad. .This was important to him and he was successful ..-although it took a long , long time and cost him financially as she would only agree to this if he paid a large settlement. He was adamant she would not agree if she knew about me. As were his family .

I have one Ds 8 ..my world. Has diagnosis of asd but now questioning whether this was misdiagnosed by nursery at age 3 as he was going through a great deal. I divorced his father at this time as he is bi polar and the marriage became physically violent/abusive . Obviously any " changes" need to be carefully thought through to protect these small people . ( all 4 of them ). But changes of school and moving are perhaps more complicated than they might be because of my Ds . His contact with his father is the odd weekend and holiday when his dad is " in a good place " and his grandmother / uncle and cousins are around . We have no official custody agreement . He is court ordered to pay maintenance to me at a high rate . I long ago accepted my exes condition and forgave but not forgot. Providing ds is happy to visit him I encourage it . When he isn't they go weeks without contact. I totally sole parent although I am grateful for his maintenance as it pays the the Roof over my boys head. He frequently directs his anger at me , then apologises and I always let it go . Bi polar being an illness like any other and life being very short etc !!

Dp Is supportive of myself and my son , bends over backwards to help us both practically and financially. He does fun stuff with my boy and gives him time and builds his confidence. I am grateful for this.

He now has shared custody of his dc and is recently officially divorced. He was separated and living apart from his ex wife when we met.
Ex wife is very religious and didn't want divorce based on these grounds .. Just wanted live seperate lives. She took 2 years to sign divorce papers.

So my question is ... What is the best way to deal with the situation moving forward withou screwing keep kids up and alienating his ex to the detriment of the 4 children ???

Dp has now told his ex about me
I have screwed up already as I painted his dd 5 nails when they visited last week. I didn't realise this would cause so may problems ... As a mother to a son I just didn't think . I am due to visit them in 2 weeks time and he is going to ask their mum if she will meet me for coffee.

Help???

I am scared of purple robes and red apples

It also diffuCult with practical things like ... His kids not ready to see us share a bed yet ( I slept in spare with my son ) but my ds is worried by it and asks why I not sleeping with dp ???

Aren't you the posters who's DP lives in Scotland? Sorry if you're not but my god the circumstances are more or less identical even down to the religious exw.

Hi Stansmiths
Have u any suggestions ?
Would be so grateful
Thank you

Take time. Don't rush things.
Remember you are not their parent.
Don't get involved with historical/present issues with the ex.
Ensure all the children involved feel that it is their home.
Don't get hung up on the small stuff, pick your battles.
Remember these children are different to your own so don't expect the same personalities/upbringing.

So are you the same poster?

Yes
I am
X

Same poster
Log in info changed cause hacking
Still struggling with same worries

Grateful for advice as it " real" now though

Thank you for not judging stansmithschin
X x x

Sorry to have outed you I didn't mean to it was just such a unique set of circumstances. I know you got a hard time on other threads and won't go over them OP. It isn't easy blending a family and it is a fine balance between wicked SM and walked over babysitter

That's ok Stansmith
Just thought would try again
Dp and I read a couple of books but neither seemed to match our circumstances
You advise is sound and I appreciate
Thank you
Normally I would say " what will be will be " but not so easy when children involved
X x x x

Oh and don't take it personally if she doesn't want to meet you.

I have 4 DC and life can be loud, messy, fun, happy, petty, fighty, loving, busy, tiring and that can be in just one day

Don't set your sight/expectations too high OP and work on just getting along in to some sort of routine to begin with.

The most important thing you need is a supportive DP who will communicate with you and not expect you to take over as mum.

Oh
Thank you
I sort of ( unintentionally arrogantly of me perhaps ) thought she would want to meet me
My ex had a gf for a while and I wasn't told and my ds didn't like her or feel comfortable. I felt if i had met her I could have supported it and my ds seen I was ok with her and thus felt more comfortable ( no need for division of loyalties or pressure for him etc etc )

She may want to but a lot of exes don't. Doesn't mean she is spiteful or doesn't care about her DC just probably doesn't think it is necessary. I doubt I will want to meet Edh new GF when the time comes. I trust him to make the right choices regarding DC so see no reason to formally meet new GF it would be quite uncomfortable all round I think.

Thank you x

If you plan to relocate I'd give serious consideration to moving to the area but living alone with your ds. Take baby steps, your ds could really struggle to suddenly live with 3 other children.

Than you lunar
I had thought of this . Did some research.
Just that rent is high. I don't actually qualify for any kind of benefits.

I could rent out my house here I know but even so
.. It's still a lot every month. Even a 2 bed flat.

I had thought of this though

I mean thank you lunar

I can see no benefit to meeting the ex for coffee. Meet on the doorstep but why go out for coffee?

I've never done this with the ex. A few months ago I ended up having a cup of tea at her house while I waited for dss to turn up, but after 5+ years that was the first time we'd been on our own together.

Set boundaries early about whether you will have the kids on your own (I would say don't!). How will your ex see his son if you are so far away?

I also think it would be a good idea for you to relocate but not necessarily move in at first.

" I don't actually qualify for any kind of benefits. "

Well, you would get child benefit and council tax reduction of 25%, presumably. If you work part time why wouldn't you get working tax credit?

And you could look at cheaper areas. What else were you planning to do with your house? The choice are rent it out, or sell it, either will give you money to live on.

I've wondered for 3 years how to not be a wicked step mum - turns out whatever I do I'm wicked step mum.

Sorry, that's really unhelpful however- I think you and your dp should set family rules. Could be basic stuff. We're kinda making it up as we go along which isn't great. I wish we had sat down and thought about it.
Decide how the kids are to be disceplined. When it's acceptable for you to do so or not.Eg I try not to when dp is around. But if he's not and the kids are acting up they get a telling off etc.

Hope that helps.

Thank you for this everybody
Yes ..I don't relish the coffee with the ex idea but I felt she should be shown the respect of being asked. Well DP does . Will see what she says. It's her call.

Yes..
Good advice about ground rules.

Thinking bout the living thing carefully
X

I wouldn't push for coffee with the ex. It could just be awkward for all concerned. Exchanging friendly words on the doorstep is probably a better start at least. If living separately but local is impractical, then maybe try to do some holidays first. We did quite a bit of visiting with all the kids before I moved in with DH, but tbh, in some ways out was harder at that stage as my DC didn't have anywhere that was theirs in the house and DSS2 was quite territorial. I'd recommend as much rearranging and redecorating of rooms as possible when you do move in, to try to make it feel like a new joint home, and not like you and your DS are the invaders.

In terms of keeping things smooth with the ex, I'd avoid things that mothers sometimes get a bit precious over - nail painting, cake baking, bra/skimpy clothing buying, or chats about the facts of life are possibly things best avoided at first at least.

My advice is don't try too hard as the more you the more likely it will be interpretation as you trying to take over and criticised which could then result in resentment on your part. If mum is wary of your presence in the life of her children then do everything to show you are in no way trying to act like a mum towards them. I remember the time DD SM told her she would pay for to have highlights in her hair. I didn't appreciate it at all as I didn't agree with it at all at her age and I was angry that after being told by her dad that he had no money to give as maintenance or buy school items they could find some money for something so futile. However when she told her SM she said she wouldn't do anything I didn't agree with. With time I relaxed. I don't care for her a a person and never had any interest in meeting her but she is a fantastic SM. Caring and interested in the children but not interfering or involved in parenting. Good luck with the move but you sound very considerate so I'm sure all well be fine.