Nervous but excited

[NZmonkey]

About to make a big change to contact with DSD aged 4. Plan at the start of this week was to go from every other weekend to that plus overnight Wednesdays.

heard from DSDs mum today she is also going to be working every Saturday now so we will probably have her most Saturdays now as well unless we are busy. this probably will include overnight Friday to Saturday afternoon.

DSD and I get on very well and love the time we have together. She is very happy staying with us and we are happy having her. Hence being excited about seeing more of her.

I'm sure it will work out but im still so nervous about it.

I don't understand why you're nervous. You're going to see your step daughter an extra night in the week and maybe on Saturday - what is there to be nervous about?

I'm guessing the nerves are because it may change the dynamic. More contact means that she is going to be less of a visitor, and more at home when she with her dad and the op. The time she spends with you will be more about real life and routine and the boring stuff.

yes lunar that does sum some of it up. It won't be a novelty anymore to either of us it'll be the norm. that changing dynamic makes me nervous.

Its also not just about getting to 'see' her more its about getting to 'look after/parent' her more as a lot of it does fall to me when she is with us. I don't have kids of my own and am worried I'll stuff it all up.

I've never had to get anyone other than me ready before work and am nervous about how that will go (it will be me doing it). she also still wakes some nights and if its mid week ill be the one taking her back to bed and hanging out till she falls asleep again. I know its what all parents who work deal with but it will be new to me.

DP suffers from depression and lack of sleep is a stressor so its better for everyone when I pick up the parts where he'd get less sleep. we tend to take turn abouts getting up in the night at weekends and I get up with her when she wakes at 6am.

please don't get me wrong I'm still very excited and looking forward to more contact time and so is DSD. I guess I'm just a worrier

I get your excitement and eagerness to be in that role of care giver but it concerns me that you will be doing so much of it. Perhaps this is exactly as you like it but it can get old very quickly. Why isnt DP doing it?

i think that is also something that has me worried surelycue. atm its only every second weekend so I'm more than happy to do it all plus she is such a lovely little girl that it doesn't feel like a chore at all. I just hope with increased time that doesn't change.
DP is getting better again but his depression that was quite bad end of last year and earlier in year ment I basically had to (was happy too as well) do a lot more or DSD suffered. I'm also slightly worried that increased contact may be a stressor to him and I'll need to pick up the slack some more.

Tbh i would have a proper talk with DP and make sure he realises that increased contact is his contact. That he isnt just going to carry on as normal, that this will impact on his life.

I understand you wanting to make things easier for him while he is struggling (i have suffered from terrible depression over the last 6 years so i get it) but there should be a line, you arent his carer, you arent his mother. Choosing to have his daughter for more contact comes with consequences, he needs to decide whether he is able to meet her needs and his responsibilities. He needs to know that he can do it even if you didnt exist, if he doesnt think he can then he shouldnt agree to this extra contact. Otherwise he is basically agreeing to you having extra contact with his child which is what its about. He should not agree to this on the basis that you're there to do the extra work. It is enjoyable for you now but believe me, it wears thin very quickly. You do not want to be in a position in 6 months or a year where you are exhausted, resentful, angry with him but cant change the arrangement because her mum is working. Dont set yourself up in that role unless you are happy for it to be taken for granted that you'll just do it from now on no questions asked. Also think about what agreeing to this role would mean if you and he were together. You would basically be accepting that he does very little parenting of your children and that it will all fall to you. I'm not minimising his depression. As i said, i am living with it too. But it isnt an exemption card. I'm still a parent, i still have to get up when dc get up, do the school run, clean up the vomit, meet with the teachers. You have to learn to parent as a parent with depression rather than opt out of parenting because of depression. Please dont let him use it as a 'get out of whatever jobs he doesnt fancy doing' card.

"if you and he were to have children together"

Thank you very much SurlyCue for your message. You have touched on many of the reasons that i am nervous about the change as well as given me a few more to think about going forward. your statement "basically agreeing to you having extra contact with his child" really hits home as this is what it sometimes comes down to. I was away for one of his contact weekends earlier in the year and rather than having DSD both nights in the weekend he only had her on the Saturday night and they at his mums house.

I have never wanted to have my own children and i made that clear to him when we first got together so thankfully im not setting myself up for an even more difficult job with our own children later down the track but you are definitely right in what you said about it all falling to me if we did.

I really dont want to end up exhausted, resentful and angry about the whole thing in 6 month/a year or even 15 years down the tract. So i will be doing some serious thinking and then some talking to DP about how much i am willing to take on with the extra contract.

Good for you OP. It really is worth having these conversations upfront, as hard as they may be. Everyone needs to know where they stand before there is a child in the middle not knowing whether they are coming or going. Too many people get caught up in the novelty of the idea and dismiss warnings about the reality.

One thing struck me in your last post
rather than having DSD both nights in the weekend he only had her on the Saturday night and they at his mums house.
My exp does this too. It is only one example of how little parenting he can be bothered with. Its worth keeping an eye on.

Thanks again SurlyCue. Your comment about your ex doing the same thing and that it is an example of how little parenting he can be bothered to do really struck home and sums up my DP.

Tried speaking to him a few times last week and got fobbed off. Then spent the weekend covering for his lack of wanting to parent because he had a headache and just left me too it or hung around snapping at both DSD and I for no reason. Thankfully DSD was her usual lovely self and a pleasure to have around. On Sunday after she left however I made DP listen to how I feel about the whole thing and how she is his daughter not mine and here to see him not just me.

I've also made plans to go to a family event out of town the next contact weekend. DP has already said he will probably go to his mums.

First Wednesday is tonight. DP spent last night drinking and came to bed very late so will be hungover and tired today. From previous experience this means he will be in no state to wake in night if DSD does or get up early Thursday with her. Hopefully I'm completely wrong in this thinking and he did listen Sunday.

Poor child.

Hi op Curlysue is spot on and id get this ironed out early. If he is not up up to it needs to be high lighted now other wise it's not fair on the little.

Don't fall in to the trap of 'you do it as you can manage it better' that's rubbish. your dp has to parent her more. Don't get the shitty end of the stick.

Do you get on with her dm?

Just seen your last post

He absolutly didn't listen last week and is treating you both appallingly. If honestly put his dd first and tell her dm. If that was my dd and her dad was being like this I'd want to know.

wannabestressfree yea i agree, feel very sorry for her sometimes. Hence trying to do all i can for her when she is with us.

queenofthishouse I shall definitely be speaking to him again, will probably have to be after work Thursday now as it is Wednesday morning here and i left for work before DP got out of bed and DSD will be there when i get home. Yes i do get on with her DM, and it did cross my mind quite a bit when he was at his worst earlier in the year to talk to her but he has got alot better than he was. When he is not tired or sick he is wonderful with her and these days this is more often than not.

How was your evening NZ?

Wednesday night was way better than cld have expected. Even after the alcohol and late night Tuesday DP was great with DSD, apparently my talk on Sunday must have got through he did all the parenting for her.

she then slept right through the night and woke up just after 6 perfect timing for us to get ready for preschool and work.

it really could not have been a better first night mid week stay
I have spoken to DP again tonight (its Thur night here) about how I felt about his late night drinking Tuesday and how worried I'd been. as well as his behavior previous weekends. let's hope it got through

I'm glad op

I would speak to your DP tonight and tell him what a change it was and it was lovely to watch him and DSD.

Keep an eye on it for both of their sakes, if he starts slipping - you must put his child first and do what's best for her and that might be letting her mother know what's going on .

Good luck

Fantastic, but like Queen said, keep an eye on it and it's not just a bit of show for now

thanks queen and chips I will definitely be keeping an eye on it. I did also mention tonight how great it was the two of them last night.

we also talked about the weekend I'm away when DSD is here and how he is going to cope with that. sounds like he has been thinking about it and has some plans of what the two of them will do and how he will manage without my help.

hopefully it carries in like this