11 yo DSS exposing himself to 4 yo daughter?

[flippaflippa]

Any advice welcome about this problem please, summed up in thread title: I overheard my 11 yo DSS saying to my 4 yo DD "Look at my penis", whilst lying on her bed. Being just outside the bedroom door I walked in, and in rather a state of shock told them to go and play downstairs, to diffuse/break-up the situation. Unsure what to do, and still in shock, I only mentioned it to DH once DSS has gone back to his mums. In hindsight I should have brough this up at the time, with DSS, that what was said was not appropriate. During the same visit DSS was holding DD on his knee, bouncing her up and down, then when she got off his knee rubbing his crotch area. I should add DSS's visits have been sporadic due to bad relations between my DH and DSM since separation 8 years ago.. not helped by living in different countries. DSM has told DSS that DD and DS (3) are 'fake' brothers and sisters, which also no doubt colours how he views them. Even after 8 years she refuses to meet me, and has never met my kids. My current strategy has been to insist I am always there whenever all kids are together, but in reality is unrealistic. Also I'm not supported by my DH, who would like to be able to spend time with all his kids without me 'policing'. He says I'm hugely overreacting, and even doubts such a thing could ever happen, "you are branding my son a pedophile, demonising him, when he is only a child. This is your problem, not his.. etc.". This leaves me feeling very unsupported. I have no family, and have been through therapy dealing with my own child abuse issues, which adds to my sense of isolation in handling this situation. When I've discussed with situation with friends the consensus also seems to be that it's just children being children, and not to take it too seriously. Advice please!

Oh ffs he'll be having wet dreams soon.. .why is he in bed with his mother?

Presumably, he'll grow out of the co sleeping when he's ready?
I'm not a fan, myself, but all the posts I've read on MN about it seem to indicate that it's natural and nothing to worry about.

Your SS is not normal and I would keep him away from your DD before he abuses her even more seriously.

I'm not impressed with your DH response. I would get away from him too tbh.

SouthAmericanCuisine not at 11 I don't think.

I am gobsmacked at your DH's reaction. This is not normal behaviour at 11. Can you talk to someone about how to manage this?

I think you need to be very very clear with this boy and tell him that it is completely inappropriate to expose his penis to anyone, rub himself in public, talk about his penis to your DD etc. I am not clear about whether you have done this. If your DH won't do it, then you can. The poor boy has obviously not got good boundaries. I don't think there is any need to inform SS as someone suggested, I think that would be overreacting. A very clear and friendly talk about this behaviour, together with keeping a close eye on him would be an appropriate response.

A normal 11 year old boy does not show his penis to a 4 yo.
This absolutely needs looking into. If his father is uninterested then I would male plans to leave.
There is something v worrying going on here and your daughter needs protecting.

very worrying op. The police here advise not to use teenage males for babysitters as they have data on the sex abuse of younger children. A regular theme here is fathers who do not think their 1st marriage children can do wrong and the children from the 2nd marriage being victimised. You have to put your children 's safety first. The abuse has been going on more than you know. It may be hard in the short run to remove yourself and your children, but it will be harder in the long run if something serious happens to your child.

Yanbu to take this seriously. A 4 year old exposing him/herself is not ideal but something that adults can easily sort out. A 11 year old is a whole different kettle of fish and very serious. His father is doing his son no favours by stamping down on this.

Your DH's reaction

That child is a sex offender waiting to happen, does your husband not think this is extremely worrying? If one of my sons was doing that kind of thing, i would have been in a psychiatrists office asap. I would be making plans to leave if I were you if this doesn't get sorted asap, honestly, this is very, very serious.

God forbid something terrible happened to your dd, what would he say then? He sounds awful.

I hope this gets resolved soon, it must be very stressful and frightening

I'm not trying to minimise things here, but, actually, in Germany, apparently, co-sleeping until you're really old is quite common? A friend of mine was a nanny in Berlin and his parents did it for their 7-8 yo and 3 yo. A friend of his slept in the same bed as his mother until he was 14-15 (!) and "it's not abuse, it's a thing." Then again, apparently he was okay with sleeping with older people to get concert tickets. I still think it's Not Good Behaviour bordering on child abuse - especially with a teenager!!! - but the OP is not JUST joking when she says the BM is German.

Still, OP, this is deeply concerning. I mean lower underwear would've been pretty much child abuse all on its own, but I still find the idea of underwear disturbing beyond belief! I used to have a thing about my mum's smell but the thought of underwear would not have even occurred to me. To be honest, OP, to me, it sounds like your DH doesn't want to rock the boat with his loopy ex and would just like to play happy families...regardless of how things, you know, actually are. That's especially concerning with the weird relationship going on between DSS and BM. I don't want to sound melodramatic but it just strikes me as exactly the kind of environment a sexual predator would strike in - one where their OH basically just wills themselves to think, "it's not a big deal/stop exaggerating/everything is fine and perfect."

Though your first duty is naturally to ensure no (more) abuse occurs between DSS and DD, I also think it's up to you to try and prise the situation open between BM and DSS as much as you can, because your DH sounds next to useless. You HAVE to do something. I'm not 100% sure that the 11-yo thing is DEFINITELY as predatory as some people think, because I went to Catholic school (my parents weren't religious though, long story), so I never had any form of sex education until I was 12-13, and I don't think we were taught about consent until much older. I think it's possible that it might Worrying? Yes. Red flag? Yes. Definite abuse? Not necessarily.

I just think you have such a duty to both your DD and your DSS. Keep them apart and supervise them at all times, but try to refrain from reflexively pushing him back to his BM. She sounds like a crazy piece of work. Even if she hasn't physically or sexually abused him (though that sounds likely to me), there is definitely an unnaturally, creepy relationship here which borders on emotional abuse and seems very damaging to DSS. Acting out is often a symptom of abuse, especially when a child's parent doesn't want to hear it...

This gives me chills. Protect that little girl. He's not behaving normally. For whatever reason, he's inappropriate, bordering on abusive. What's next? Him asking her to touch him?! If your DH can't see the red flags, he's a bloody idiot.