Problems with older, ie adult, stepchildren

[Climbeverymountain66]

Has anyone else struggled with the transition of the stepchildren to adulthood? (Both them and biological parent!). Getting to my wits end with an utterly opposite opinion to husband of what is expected of me and them. I have no children of my own. Feel like I'm running a 5 star hotel for two adults who behave like they are 13 in terms of responsibility. They take zero active part in the running of the house. Never clean rooms, cook, wash up, tidy or just help because it's the right thing to do. I feel like I'm losing my own identity and beliefs as I'm alone in the house of thinking this is utterly wrong for 19 and 21 yr olds. Attempts to discuss either end in row or agreement to change which lasts for a day or two. My attempts to change singlehanded are undermined when husband does the chore I'd asked the 'children' to do. Am I alone in this utterly demoralising and depressing scenario?

no you are in lots of sm company. Read this forum and what you describe is the norm .

No, you're certainly not alone! All my DSC are now grown with DC of their own (as are my own DC), so none of them live with us. However, one DSC still appears to think that DF is totally responsible for their emotional/practical/financial well being! It's getting to ridiculous proportions, and I've tried explaining to DH, that this 'child' is fully an adult who should be standing on their own two feet! But even though he knows a) he is doing them no favours by constantly bailing them out, b) he is being outrageouslly taken advantage of, and c) it causes upsets and arguments between us, can he say no.....like hell he can! I try to put it out of my head as much as possible, because there appears to be little I can do! But I think things will be taken too far one day, and he'll wake up forcibly to reality!
Sorry I'm not being more helpful...only thing I can suggest is that you just don't cook/wash/clean/pick up for them...let it go on for a week, then announce, if things don't really get sorted, this regime will go on indefinitely!

OP no that is I think the toughest scenario being a step parent. Because often the OH, like yours, will continue to 'control' any parenting and not allow you to be able to express your own limits. It is impossible. At least with 'own' kids you can set limits.

Try asking your DH - that if you were the mother - would he be shutting you down/refusing/undermining? You are in that parent role by living there - in charge of the household with your husband - anything else just isn't going to work in my (painful) experience! Until they've moved out they are dependents and should of course be helping out/progressing into adulthood.

Absolutely get where you are coming from. 21 yo back from Uni, appears to have no intention of getting a job for about 6 months, and that is a maybe job not a certainty. Goes to the gym, plays on his computer and sunbathes.

When we get in from work he asks what's for tea? Will empty dishwasher, bin etc if asked. But in his own sweet time. It's like living in a student house, with 4am sausage cooking and leaving the pans out.

And breathe...

Fortunately I like him, he's a nice lad, but really doesn't do a thing unless asked.

DH is enabling it.

So I have backed right off. Dirty dishes I leave for him or his dad to sort out, him and his dad go shopping, or DH goes on his own. His dad now does most of the cooking. I find this much less stressful. DH thinks I should be supporting him in his, DH's efforts to son to do things, but, you know what, you bought him up like this...

I don't want him to stop living with us, but I was starting to feel like a skivvy and so have stopped doing stuff.

It does help I think if you can focus on the good bits about having them at home!

Spend some nights in a hotel alone so they have to fend for themselves, or walk around your house naked.

I'm serious about both of these