Dreading having DSC on my own

[tartanpooch]

DP and I have recently moved in together, we each have DC from previous relationships. I work part time and as DP's annual leave can't cover all of his DCs' holiday time with us, today it's fallen to me to look after the DSC (my DS isnt even here today!). DSS is finding it very difficult to cope with the new blended arrangements. He doesn't seem to like me very much and we've had a lot of sulking and moping from him over the holiday every time he's not got his own way, or been asked to help. I really feel for him as it's very hard to go through this process, but his behaviour has been challenging and left everyone else in the family pretty tense. DP has gone back to work and I have no idea how to connect with DSS. He doesn't want to do anything with me, he can barely even respond to questions about what he'd like for lunch. He sits inside on the play station and won't come outside. I'm sitting in the garden as the weather is so nice and I don't want to be inside, and I want some space from what feels like an awkward atmosphere. I'm doing my best to "fake it til I make it", but it's so hard and I can't keep it up all day :-(

They aren't with us for a couple of weeks from tomorrow but then we will have them for a few days, some with my DS and again the odd one when he's not here and I just don't know how I'm going to get through the days when DP is at work. Any advice on how to connect, or how much space to give would be welcome!

I'm afraid I don't have any advice as I'm going through a similar thing to you and feel exactly the same. Here's some though to tide you over until someone much more experienced than me replies.

What age is he, tartan?

Ah thanks for flowers! DSS is 10, DS is 8.

It takes time OP. Don't be so down on yourself. The blended family is recent and DSS is probably just trying to figure out where he stands and whether or not he is supposed to like you.

When DP is home from work why don't the 3 of you discuss what you and DSS can do tomorrow? Have a few suggestions like cinema, bowling, park and let him decide or come up with his own. It maybe easier for him to speak up if his father is enthusiastic about you two spending time together.

If he still refuses to engage then don't push it. Offer him an activity each day but if he refuses so be it, it may take a while for him to come round.
Try to remember OP that this child didn't ask for a blended family, he wasn't consulted in the big change and he isn't with you everyday like your DS so it will take time for him to come round.

Oh I really feel for you Tartan, you probably feel as if you can't do right for doing wrong! If you 'nag' him to come into the garden etc, he's going to feel pressured, but if you leave him in his room with his play station you're going to feel as if you're ignoring him....lose, lose situation! As Stan says, it's probably a good idea to get his DF to join forces, with a view to encouraging him to engage! But as has also been said, it's early days, he may come around, or he may never want to fully allow you in...whichever, all you can do is be as open and available to him as you are to your own child....and yes, I really, really know how difficult that can be!!!!

you are the adult in charge. Do not give away your power. Why should ss decide what you and your son do each day. Make your plans and he can join or not. Make lunch and he can eat or not. He wont starve himself and you are not his servant. Be very direct with him and his father and for you and your son's sake do not be taken advantage of.

Amarmai - couldn't have put it better myself.

Tartan it is early days but have you tried using the play station as a reward basis not as a means for him to evade you. It is very stressful so make a couple of rules and stick by them. Don't force yourself on him and if he throws a tantrum or sulk just walk away and don't pay any attention. He is probably just feeling really insecure and defensive. I would wait until he comes to you and says he is hungry or thirsty at least then he is communicating with you. I also would take him out quite a bit to different play parks and see if there are any other children close by he could have around to play. Good luck

Thanks all. It's not so much of a problem when my own DS is here as we do make plans and get on with them, but when it's just me and DSS (& older DSD) it is really hard. I'm not a natural "entertainer" of children and my suggestions for eg playground are met with a negative response. DSS finds his screen to be a real comfort blanket and dragging him from it results in full-on sulks, which is a new thing for me - DS is sunny and generally compliant but DSS will put his head down, his lip out and simply refuse to engage. His moods affect everyone, it's like taking a storm cloud around with us. He does it with DP too and I guess I'm scared to be the one laying down the law and having to deal with his response - and am worried he'll go back to his mum saying how horrible I am (she lets him do what he likes more than DP and I will). It has got to the point though that if DSS is not to be glued to a screen, he has to be managed and entertained. He won't go outside on his bike or to kick a ball around unless someone is there to watch him.

Tartan your DSS sounds exactly like my Dp's DD (9). We take her out to the cinema followed by pizza or we go swimming or ice skating, horse riding, etc. All she says is "When are we going home?" so she can get onto her computer. While we are out, she won't engage with us to the extent that she will sit in a restaurant and refuse to eat anything, even though she likes the food, just so we can leave quickly.

We ask her what activities she would like to do and then do them so it's not a case of us just dragging her along to something she's expressed no interest in. She is like this with everyone though, not just when I'm there, so I'm not sure what to do.