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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just need a rant

25 replies

Jphilips19 · 15/08/2015 03:09

My Partner has a little girl of 4 who is absolutely adorable, but I am very aware she isn't mine. Her mother tried for over a year to convince this little girl that I was evil but thankfully she doesn't believe her mother any more. We have her for a weekend once a fortnight and nearly every time we have her she is totally infested with nits.

Yes I do understand that nits love long hair and preschool children are very prone to it but finding 5+ adults and 50+ eggs is not only upsetting but she is being driven crazy with them. When my partner has spoken very reasonably to his ex she has gone ballistic saying he is trying to bully her.

His ex says she has done her daughter the evenings before she comes but if she has why am I still finding so many? His DD says no one plays with her any more and that the other children call her "nitty" which Is really upsetting. Can anyone suggest a way that we make his ex take better care of her daughter?

OP posts:

StanSmithsChin · 15/08/2015 08:45

Nits are a pain in the arse. My DD has very long hair and it took a month to get rid of them so finding a few even after treatment is not unusual and doesn't mean the ex hasn't applied treatment the night before and the eggs are the worse as even when dead they stick to the hair.

Maybe get your DP or yourself to do a treatment the weekend she is with you (buy a big bottle) and when he takes her back he can say " we found nits again so we applied this last night, the bottle says to do it again in x days time. You can have the bottle as it will need doing before I next pick her up"

That way you are hopefully encouraging her to carry on with the treatment but in a non confrontational way.

Also I would say I small nit infestation is proof the the mum is not taking care of her DD properly maybe pull down your judgey pants. A bit OP.

StanSmithsChin · 15/08/2015 08:47

Isn't proof not is

Katrose · 15/08/2015 08:52

Stan I disagree. If it's as bad as OP says it is then it's proof of neglect.

NickiFury · 15/08/2015 09:00

It's not "proof" of anything, it could be indicative, if it's as bad as OP says.

My dd has very long hair too. The first time she had them I was clueless. A letter came back from school asking parents to check so I did a desultory check to find she was teeming with them. Checked my other child and he was too . My children's hair is washed every other day but I had just never spotted a thing. Obviously took care of it immediately and ds has never had them again since but did gets them regularly.

OP I think if you just comb or treat whenever she's with you that would help immensely. They can be a bugger to shift especially in very long hair as so easily missed. So it could certainly be true that Mum missed them.

Are there any other concerns with lack of care from her Mum in other areas?

StanSmithsChin · 15/08/2015 09:00

5 adult nits and eggs is not neglect at all! Over reaction much.

When I realised DD had them she had over 20 and when I did the treatment again a few days later she had at least 4 and trust me my DD is not neglected.

If the OP was saying there were 20+ and the infestation had been going on for months then yes I would say it was neglectful but that is not the case.

Seriously some people just love to demonise mothers

Katrose · 15/08/2015 09:02

Fucking hell Stan just say my nn instead of "some people". It's humiliating going to school with bits as a child, OP says it's been going on for a while, and clearly the child has been making the adults in her life aware- but her mother's not doing anything despite the emotional harm being caused.

NickiFury · 15/08/2015 09:02

Agree that the amount described is NOT a vast amount.

NickiFury · 15/08/2015 09:04

Katrose where does the OP mention "emotional harm"? A few nits in a pre schooler who probably doesn't even know what they are, just that her head itches a bit, constitutes "emotional harm"?

Penfold007 · 15/08/2015 09:06

I used to have my niece most weekends when she was same age as this little girl as my DSIS needed help. DN arrived most week with nits it wasn't lack of care or hair maintenance but a child in her class who parents didn't deal with their child's infestation. This one child redirected the whole class constantly.

DP needs to treat his daughter's hair and offering mum the bottle is an excellent idea. Mum might want to treat her own hair, I always did!

DP could also speak to the school, if he is treating the nits someone is re-infecting his DD.

StanSmithsChin · 15/08/2015 09:09

I think both you and OP are over reacting so it was easier to say some people than type both nn.

You are pleasant this morning kat what's wrong fell off your broom?

wheresthelight · 15/08/2015 09:10

As someone who has dealt with his for years 5 adults is nothing and actually indicates that her mum IS treating it.

Op I am not saying it isn't a giant pita because it is but in the grand scheme of things what you are describing is nothing at all. My step kids are so used to being bit treated here that they go and get the stuff, their mother refuses to treat as "they just get them again so what's the point" so when they have been with her for 5+ weeks because she refuses contact they come back to their dad riddles and I am not kidding when I say I take hundreds of adults off them and thousands of eggs. I took my dsd to the pharmacist to ask for something stronger than the over counter stuff and she was appalled because she could see them crawling through dsds fringe from 2ft away.

NickiFury · 15/08/2015 09:11

Now THAT'S neglect! Poor kids.

CocaKoala · 15/08/2015 13:37

Nits are a bastard and I'll second the whole month to fully get rid of them. My DD has extremely long hair and it took a month for me to fully rid of them - and that's with constant weekly treatment. If there is a parent of a child in school who isn't treating then it's a vicious circle.

I find the nitty gritty comb works the best and whilst it might be time consuming for the parent I've found it to be the best result.

DSC have come with nits before now and passed them on but I've not made a fuss and just treated, explained to DH that he needs to inform mum and left it at that.

A sign of neglect would be if they're scratching to a point that it's causing sores and scabs - where it is obvious there is an infestation. Tbh it's quite easy to tell if a child has been treated at all or left to their devices.

shudders it's even worse when you catch them yourself. Ohhh I'm itching at the thought!

swingofthings · 15/08/2015 14:16

I'm probably not going to be very sympathetic because I have been at the receiving end of that rant and it is incredibly annoying to be critisized by a step-parent who isn't there for the day to day care of the child yet think they can pass judgement.

So having gone through this and now with children turned teenagers and thankfully finally free of the nasty bugs for good, I can tell you that some children REALLY do attract them despite all the treatments you can do. And YES, it is very possible for a child to still have them after being treated. I spent a fortune of all the various treatments available around and yet nothing seemed to work. Even when DD was free of them for a few months, they'd be back with a vengeance. It was frutrating, but then in the scale of things, it wasn't the end of the world.

But Oh did her step-mother made it out to be. Her attitude was just like yours, making comments about how I didn't care for my children properly which was quite ironic considering I did absolutely everthing for them. She never saw the irony that the fact she expected ME to sort out the problem, rather than her partner, was actually evidence that they tool it for granted that indeed I did everything for the children!

OP, if you really want advice, I would say to stop the judgement and if this is very much an issue for you and you DP, then you take control of it and sort it out yourself.

fedupbutfine · 15/08/2015 16:39

my boys had them last year. it was hellish. I just treated the first time and within weeks, they were crawling again. I then took to google and worked out a plan of attack and whilst the second time they were no where near as bad as the first, it took me 4 weeks to get them properly clear. You really do need to treat it and then comb every day and then every two days, three days, 4 days etc. until it is totally clear. It only takes one missed one to start you off again.

Bellebella · 15/08/2015 16:46

You are being a bit judgemental op, just because she has some nits and eggs does not mean her mother is neglectful and not treating her hair

Growing up me and my sister always seemed to have headlice, we had long hair and they were constantly going around the school. They can be extremely difficult to get rid off.

I would pull your judgy pants down and perhaps ask your oh, you know her dad to comb her if you dislike the task.

Bellebella · 15/08/2015 16:48

I also love the irony by the way you want to make the ex a better parent to her daughter but ignore the fact her dad does not comb her hair at all.

Original poster

Jphilips19 · 15/08/2015 19:13

This has happened the last 5 weekends we have had her. We bought 2 nitty gritty combs and gave one to her Mum and she is treated every time she comes here and I am meticulous about getting the eggs out. DD has taken back several bottles of lotion but they aren't used before DD comes back to us again.

We are trying to help but anything we do is seen as an attack but this isn't about me, my partner or his ex it's about a little girl of four who is unhappy about her head itching

OP posts:

CocaKoala · 15/08/2015 19:17

What treatment are you using? Maybe it would be worth changing the treatment your using? It's not unusual for nits to get prone to a particular treatment that is used often.

Bathe with tee tree and lightly scent hair with it too. While that isn't certain to keep them at bay - it can help a bit.

CocaKoala · 15/08/2015 19:18

I also mean use the tee tree after she is rid of them initially.

BlueBlueSea · 16/08/2015 09:57

Using the chemical treatments are not a good idea on a regular basis. With my DD I used to just use the Nitty Gritty comb with a load of conditioner on her hair. The conditioner used to help the nits and eggs slide out. Then if after two weeks she still had them I would use a treatment, though usually combing through with conditioner every few days would work. With three kids over the years I have probably only ever bought about 3 lots of chemical treatment. Tea tree shampoo is a good deterant too.

OP, I don't think there is much you can do. If Mum knows and is treating it herself, then rather than start a war about it just use the Nitty Gritty comb with conditioner when she is with you.

What you do not want it her having chemical treatments from different products in the same week, that could make her scalp sore too.

K888 · 17/08/2015 00:51

Yes I too would say they are VERY hard to get rid of, especially once the have a 'foothold' as it were. I don't think it's that productive to blame Ex - why not just forget that and get on top of this yourself to help the girl.

If you have the girl for the weekend, I would put lots of conditioner into wet hair and comb them 2 or 3 times over with nit comb the evening she arrives. Do it twice more the next day and the next.

Then do this the next weekend and next... it might take 4/6 weeks until you know they are gone and then do it once, every two weeks, as 'maintenance' so you can spot early any re infections. It is likely someone at school keeps passing them back.

If the girl is showng other signs of neglect, then that is something to watch.

Original poster

Jphilips19 · 18/08/2015 02:52

i have 4 children of my own all grown up now, my ex-husband always worked away and I worked full time. All three of my girls had very long hair and yes they caught nits now and again so I know what it's like but the only way I kept on top of it was by using conditioner and a nit comb every other day for 8 days and making sure that I put something with tea tree oil on their hair. They also never ever went to school with their hair down.

When a parent sends a child over to to their ex and states that they have treated that little one the night before then finding adults and eggs still crawling around to me is not acceptable. We shouldn't accept that they are so common that we have to let little ones put up with them. I wouldn't want them in my hair so regularly.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 19/08/2015 23:21

My, now grown up DD, had longer than waist length, very curly, very thick hair as a child! When she first started school I was devastated when she came home full of eggs and lice, . But I used the chemical treatment of the day (1970's) and a steel tooth comb, I got rid of them, but what a PITA it was! After that, I double plaited her hair tightly for school. Now my DGD, who has the same hair, has started school...and we're dreading an outbreak!!

wallypops · 19/08/2015 23:30

My girls are plagued by them. Try diatomaceous earth. Cheap, ecological and effective. Makes the eggs stand out too.
If you use it both days of weekends she is with you, you'll stay on top of the issue.

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