Do things ever change with a step child

[mercedesbenz1979]

I have a SD (10yrs old) and my OD (6 yrs old) been with my H for 7 years married for 2. It has been a long agonising road with my SD to the point that we have not seen her since January and now she is about to appear for a week. It was her own choice she apparently hates me because in her words I am always on her case. She lives with two women full time obviously one is her mum. They do not discipline her at all and never have. She likes to come to our house cause riots then leave particularly terrorising my OD because she is jealous of her. I have done the nice person thing been walked over by her and her Dad and now he has eventually seen her for what she is. I am not looking forward to a week with her and my Husband cannot accept this which I can kind of understand as it is his first child but she doesnt generally give a toss about any of us most of the time does not phone my H or her sister hardly facetimes. She is one of the most manipulative children I have come across in my life and everyone on my end of family and friends have all experienced her but yet my H just gets over it and moves on. How do you deal with a badly behaved 10 yr old who is so disrespectful which I am now over feeling sorry for her due to coming from a split home because she knows exactly what she is doing. Two psychologists have even said the same thing she knows what she is doing but its acceptable because she comes from a split home. My OD and I have always suffered in different ways over the years and we actually we starting to get a bit of piece and normality in our lives becoming a strong unit as you might say. It is all about to be ruined though and I know it. Has anyone got a story where they now get on with the female step child after having a horrendous time. I reckon it will not be until she is in her twenties and realises what a horrible person she was.

wannabe I sincerely hope you weren't referring to my post there, if so, really not impressed!

OP you cannot blame this 10 year old child for her behaviour, I am in a similar situation with my 6 YO DSD. It's tough but they're children. They are products of their upbringings. This is not her fault, her parents are to blame!

Your DP should've been more proactive in maintaining and improving the relationship he has with his DD. So she's coming for a week? So what?

I have children 9-14 and they have been on and off with their father because he and his gf (who was the ow) haven't acted like adults and faced up to their parenting /caring responsibility that they have towards the children. There's no new sibling involved but it's still been complicated. By age 10 most children know that different places have different rules so even if you can't change the mother's parenting you can change yours. I have learned that children feel secure when adults take charge but listen to the children's opinions and fears at the same time.
In normal families siblings are jealous of one another. For example I live next door to a family with a 4 and 1 year old and the 4 year old gets very jealous when she has to go to nursery because in her mind the sister is at home being worshipped by mummy. And eating cake.

Apparently s new sibling is like your husband coming home with a second wife. Would you automatically be accepting?

If your husband is treating dd1 and dd2 differently then you have a problem. But not with dd1- your h needs to change his ways.

Good Lord op, you come across like a work of fiction. And I mean in a very bad way. Your poor SD.

I wish people would just stick to responding to the post at hand, instead of using it to wring their hands at how it is somehow representative of stepparents on a wider scale, or part of a current 'trend' in step parenting. I dont think it does the board any good at all, it just encourages people to retreat to entrenched 'pro' and 'anti' positions.

OP: I do think your language 'see her for what she is' is quite nasty. I don't get the impression you are likely to come around to seeing your DSD as a child who may be extremely difficult to deal with, but ultimately in need of help and support. Maybe the best thing is for you to try to be out as much as possible during your DSD's visit, and leave him and her as much to themselves as possible.

How do you deal with a badly behaved 10 yr old who is so disrespectful which I am now over feeling sorry for her due to coming from a split home because she knows exactly what she is doing
Very easily, you don't get involved. She doesn't like you you don't like her. Fine, you don't have to interact with each other. Her sole interest is to spend time with her father, not with you or your OC. Let her get on with what she is entitled to, some time with her father without you around to decide on how she should be disciplined.

It is now up to you to decide whether the right thing to do is to allow them to rebuilt their relationship on a one to one basis, or whether you want to sabotage it all by getting involved.