Do things ever change with a step child

[mercedesbenz1979]

I have a SD (10yrs old) and my OD (6 yrs old) been with my H for 7 years married for 2. It has been a long agonising road with my SD to the point that we have not seen her since January and now she is about to appear for a week. It was her own choice she apparently hates me because in her words I am always on her case. She lives with two women full time obviously one is her mum. They do not discipline her at all and never have. She likes to come to our house cause riots then leave particularly terrorising my OD because she is jealous of her. I have done the nice person thing been walked over by her and her Dad and now he has eventually seen her for what she is. I am not looking forward to a week with her and my Husband cannot accept this which I can kind of understand as it is his first child but she doesnt generally give a toss about any of us most of the time does not phone my H or her sister hardly facetimes. She is one of the most manipulative children I have come across in my life and everyone on my end of family and friends have all experienced her but yet my H just gets over it and moves on. How do you deal with a badly behaved 10 yr old who is so disrespectful which I am now over feeling sorry for her due to coming from a split home because she knows exactly what she is doing. Two psychologists have even said the same thing she knows what she is doing but its acceptable because she comes from a split home. My OD and I have always suffered in different ways over the years and we actually we starting to get a bit of piece and normality in our lives becoming a strong unit as you might say. It is all about to be ruined though and I know it. Has anyone got a story where they now get on with the female step child after having a horrendous time. I reckon it will not be until she is in her twenties and realises what a horrible person she was.

"...and now he has eventually seen her for what she is."
"He saw her for what she was."

Your phrasing is simply horrible. What is she? Some kind of precocious she-devil out to destroy your happy family unit? Or an unhappy child who at the very least has a neglectful father, and a resentful and jealous stepmother? It's astonishing how much you seem to know about her home life when by your own admission you very rarely see her. How much of it is being made up in your head?

But there's nothing to be done. You can't/won't change, and your DH sounds as useful as a chocolate hammer. So you will all limp on, completely unable to change or improve anything, and probably end up on the Jeremy Kyle show in the next few years. Next...

Fuck me. What a horrible attitude you have.

You realise the fuck ups in this are the adults right? The adults who should have parented this child? Who should have nurtured, developed, loved?

From one step mum to another you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and show this child some kindness.

Mum and Dad split up, she was 3 yrs old. You have ahd so many opportunities to have made this easier and failed her.
Dad moves in with new woman and less than one yr later - new sister appears.
Assuming from what you said, her mother is now living with another woman.

Of course she is jealous - she does not see her Dad.
She has faced 6 yrs of her fathers indifference, animosity from you, her sister being king pin and a possible homosexual mother.

I am gobsmacked at the vitriol, you are directing to a vulnerable child - and she is a vulnerable child. You and your DP are emotionally abusing this child by cutting her out of your life. She wants you to want her to come and stay, treat her like her sister - stand up for her and make her feel wanted.

In her twenties she will realise, her behvaior may not have been great, but she will be evenmore acutely aware that her DF, her SM treated her badly, and her mother partner may not have been great either.

Am lost for words.

I have reporred this thread.

Reported

Why announce twice that you have reported the thread.....and what have you reported it for

cheeky I don't think you can liken Nicki to the OP or say she is worse. The OP very much gives off an air of " only my child matters" which is what Nnicki was making a point of. Sadly some SP do wish the SDC didn't exist as it spoils their now happy family unit.

Frankly 3little, your own regularly unpleasant posts and ridiculous bias towards step parents no matter how beyond the pale their views of their step children are, mean that I cannot give any weight to any opinion you might have of my posts .

Thanks Stan that was exactly what I was saying because in my opinion both families and ALL children from whatever relationship hold equal weight. To see my post as an attack on second families is something you have to want to see I think, because it isn't at all. It's about some step parents, who think the way I describe and sadly there's quite a few on this board.

Thanks for that razor sharp insight

I think you are deluded cheeky. Given your current circumstances I can see why. I hope things are on the up for you and your situation soon improves.

OP, could it be that what the psychiatrists said is that she is behaving like this because her parents have separated and she's worried about her relationship with her DF? So she is "testing" him to see how much he loves her?
SHe is only 10 - was only 4 when her sister was born. That must have been a very confusing time for her.
It's sad that you really seem to dislike her. Did you always feel that way?

OK so a ten year old girl has to deal with ALL of the following;

1. Absent father who does not keep in touch
2. A stepmother who dies not like her for years
3. Living in an unconventional family unit.
4. Divorced parents
5. A stepsister that came along when she was 3 or 4
6. Poor discipline from main care givers
7. At some point has been seen by "psychologists"
8. Has been sent to father's for a week, maybe her choice maybe not but then actually is sent to GPs and Uncle instead
9. Has been confused and hurt for YEARS

At what point would you expect anyone to cope with all of this?

Let alone a child?

If your Husband can treat his OWN child in such an abhorrent way then there are two possible causes here

1. He is a terrible choice of partner, what makes you think he wouldn't do this again to your child? He is allowing his daughter to feel like this. And she is lashing out in the knky way she knows how.
   Or
2. you are a controlling woman who is emotionally abusing your husband, manipulating him into doing such awful bloody things to this child.

Because, let me tell you right now this little girl DID NOT CHOOSE THIS FUCKING LIFE.

How DARE you blame a child stuck in this and call her names?

Shame in you OP.

Shame on you.

I can't see what Nicki's said that's made you turn on her, Cheeky

Are you okay?

Great stuff, always good to hear a success story, where all concerned both children and adults are working things out. Sadly pretty rare if many of the threads on this board are anything to go by.

OP hasn't been back I a while so I doubt she will mind a small bit of her thread being about you cheeky.

Maybe because of your reading my posts differently to everyone else perhaps. Maybe they think you're doing it deliberately or are a bit confused?

I'm seriously wondering how the OP can actually think a 10 year old child can hold that much responsibility for how her relationship with her dad goes and her behaviour. If it is as the OP says and she isn't disciplined at home then her mum is failing her. If her dad isn't disciplining her when she comes then he's not a very good dad is he? More of a Disney dad!

Seriously OP how can you lay such blame on a little girl? I know step parent/child are often quite fraught with difficulties and personality clashes but surely as the adult you can see how see can't possibly be responsible for all the things that have gone wrong?

I've been a step mother for over 20 years, when my DSD was a teenager we had sum humdinger arguments and her behaviour was pretty terrible for a few years. But you know as much as she drove me up the wall, and answered back constantly (as teenagers do) and missed her curfew and came home drunk etc I still realised that I was the adult and behaved as such. (As did her dad). Our relationship now she's an adult is a good one.

OP you'll get a shock as your own dd gets older and you realise that her behaviour starts to mirror that of her sister!

This is a terribly sad thread, especially when you consider that this little girl was only 3 when the OP met her.

OP - as much as I find your post baffling and disturbing I do feel the need to give you a warning. If you push your husband too much on this you may find yourself on the wrong side of this situation yourself. As hopeless as he's thus far been as a parent to this innocent child, the fact remains that she his his daughter and it's possible that as he grows up matures he may see the error of his ways...and then he may well end up taking you to task for your appalling attitude. I strongly urge you to find some drop of empathy for this little girl who is, after all, your daughter's half sister before it's too late.