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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Any successful stories, adding 2 families together?

23 replies

Nevergoingtolearn · 13/08/2015 13:29

Just looking for successful stories.

I have 2 dc's age 11 and 9, the man I am seeing ( very very early stages, not too serious but hoping it might get serious ) has 2 teenagers who live with him. We live quite far from each other so if things were to work out one of us would have to move which would mean changing schools for 2 children.

I know I'm looking too far ahead but I guess I want to know if it's likely to work out before I get in too deep.

I have had step children before ( ex had 3 children but not living with us ), I guess I'm more worried about how my dc's would feel about going from 2 of them too 4 and how his children would cope, it could end up being hell?

Has anyone successfully merged 2 families without too much carnage?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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K888 · 13/08/2015 13:43

No! I thought I had though, for a while. I'd say use the weekends together as tests... do you parent differently? Do you and your DP work together as a team?

Also - be careful who moves in with who. I moved my DS many miles to my OHs house and his older DSCs - and I am still dealing with issues of them not changing/adjusting and us feeling like second best. This wouldn't have happened if they had moved to be with us.

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 13/08/2015 14:20

That's what I'm worried about, if things do progress I will either have to move in to his house or we would have to buy/rent another property as my house is not big enough. I don't want to chuck my house away on the off chance it might work.

How long did it take before you moved in with him? How did you introduce the dc's to his dc'? I'm guessing it has to be a slow process to make sure your making the right choice.

We have very similar parenting skills (from what he has told me ), I haven't even met his dc's yet and he hasn't met mine, as I say 'it's very early days', my eldest dc is very easy going and gets on with anyone, my youngest has ASD which may make things a bit tricky.

OP posts:

K888 · 13/08/2015 14:48

I moved in after a year and a half, too soon really but necessity made it a 'make or break' situation.

We spent most weekends together after 4/5 months of being together - with all of the kids, mine and his. In retrospect we should have had alternate - but he had his kids all the time.

His kids were on the surface completely fine but as things progressed resentment from older teenage girls and his permissive parenting were trouble. The younger ones were easier as I had more time to establish a role with them. My son is really easy going and gets on with everybody - never gave my DP or anyone any hassle. But sometimes I got a defensiveness from my DP as his kids do have problems (3 out of 4, the other is like my son, no problems) - and he kept using the fact that 'he gets on fine with my son' as a reason that I was imagining or making a big deal out of things. So watch that one!

You sound like you are taking your time. I guess in a way there is no easy way to do it, at some stage you have to make a leap of faith. Although I'd strongly recommend everyone moving to a new house - just as a way of marking it as neutral territory.

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 13/08/2015 15:09

Thank you, it's good to hear what might happen, of course I am going through all these things in my mind, I think im trying to tell myself that it won't work out.

The problem is that he lives quite far away and works a lot so I'm worried I will feel under pressure to move in with him so we can see each other more, he works most weekends at the moment so it's going to be hard to find time to introduce the kids. He owns his own home but it was the house he shared with his ex so it would feel like it is his home and not mine, I don't want to feel like a lodger.

I think I have lots to think about before moving things on (or ending them before it gets serious ).

OP posts:

lunar1 · 13/08/2015 15:15

Do your children see their dad? Would you be moving them away from him?

K888 · 13/08/2015 15:17

Yes I moved in to the house he shared with Ex and do feel like a lodger. Yet my OH is deeply attached to the house so wouldn't have moved anywhere else.

He has two teenagers who live with him? And he works a lot? That would take a lot of serious thinking through as you'd be the main parent.

I had this, and it didn't work as I was undermined as a parent/had resentment for being step parent - teenagers find it hard to adjust in my experience - but if you had a good relationship / good team it might? But on your terms too. Taking a close look at any problems that might arise would be wise!

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 13/08/2015 16:31

My kids do see their dad once a week, this would always still happen but yes we would be further away.

I am worried that I will end up stuck at home cooking, cleaning and looking after his dc's as well as mine whilst he worked all day, I don't want this, I want it to be equal.

I have been step mum to ex's dc's ( 3 of them ), it was hard work at times even though they didn't live with us, one was 12 when we got together and was a lot of hard work ( mainly jealousy when my dc1 was born ).

OP posts:

startagainonmonday · 13/08/2015 17:48

I moved in with my DH sooner than I would have done, that was due to distance also. I have since moved out although we are still together as a couple. I do think you'd probably end up as default carer if you moved in, there seems to be a prevalent (wrong) assumption that you're already looking after DC so it's no big deal looking after one or two more, right?

Could you rent somewhere near your DP and rent out your old place?

lunar1 · 13/08/2015 18:00

Is it feasible that you could both move to the middle or is it too far? I would also offer to do the driving for contact if you do the moving.

I think if one of you moves to the other id still move house so that its new for all of you and nobody gets upset over their space being invaded.

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 13/08/2015 20:14

I don't own my home, it is HA but it's a lovely house, if I move out then I have nowhere to go back too if things don't work out , the other option is that I move closer and swap my house but not move in with him.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 14/08/2015 11:11

Is HA the same as a council house with a secure tenancy? If it is I wouldn't risk that for anything.

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 14/08/2015 11:17

Yes lunar, so if I moved out and into his house and things didn't work out I would be homeless, it took me 2 years to get this house, I'm in a good area ( not in an estate ), chances of getting another house like this is very slim .

OP posts:

amarmai · 14/08/2015 11:41

go onto Topics and read the step parenting site. You and your children are in a good place right now. What would you all lose versus what would you all gain if you move?

AlpacaMyBags · 14/08/2015 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 14/08/2015 15:34

One of my dc's is starting high school in a few weeks, the other is floating around in mainstream because there's no suitable school ( so not really settled ), moving could give more options for finding a good school.

His kids are settled, they are 14 and 15 and I don't think they would be happy moving.

I can't really see it working out

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 14/08/2015 23:52

It's much too early to be thinking of moving anywhere! I know you're just testing the waters by asking for advice, but nobody can tell you that it will or will not work, because every situation is different! Being a SM and joining 2 families together is damn hard in any circumstances....so, as you're in a house you and your children are happy with, I'd say enjoy your relationship as it is, stay in your own home and see how things go for some considerable time yet!

Original poster

Nevergoingtolearn · 15/08/2015 17:48

I know it's early, I guess I just don't want to get too involved with him if there's not a chance in hell of things working out. I do know that being a step parent is hard ( I have already done it with exh's dc's and it wasn't easy ). I don't want to waste my time perusing something that's not going to work.

OP posts:

amarmai · 15/08/2015 21:16

from reading the stepparent forum, it seems that the 2nd wife and her children get the dirty end of the stick.

Faithless · 18/08/2015 15:06

I've got the teenagers and my DP has the little ones (shared care 50%), I'd say it's going ok as there's such a big age gap there's no jealousy and my dscs are a bit in awe of the teens. Main problem is around mornings in the holidays and weekends, teenagers like their lie ins, little ones like to fight and scream on the landing. Sometimes we take them out of the house swimming or something or get them doing art at the other side of the house. But if left to their own devices, they inevitably wake the teens who aren't happy.
I discipline my 2 and he disciplines his, unless we are alone with the other ones DCs, where we enforce the bio parents' rules. We have different parenting styles (he is stricter) so I guess this wouldn't work without there being such a big age gap.
I rented my house out and he sold his to use as a deposit for the place we bought together and now live in. I would never have moved to his place, which was the previous family home, for the reasons you cite.
If you do decide to move in together, I would advise a new, neutral home and read "get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town". It's a parenting teenagers book and definitely helped DP get his head around living with a teen boy and girl.
It can work, it does for us, but definitely needs some thought and boundary setting negotiations.

Faithless · 18/08/2015 15:07

I should add my teens are always with us, shared care is with the little ones.

swingofthings · 18/08/2015 19:58

There are many success stories of families getting together, you just tend to hear more about those that don't go well. My ex (our two kids he sees every week-ends for one or two days) and his partner (two children who are there 50/50) are a good example. My ex gets along well with her children and even with the father of the kids. His partner is really fond of my children and they get along great. Their roles seem to be well defined, and she has never 'looked after' my kids. They are now older so it doesn't apply any longer.

The key to sucess though is to accept that it is not going to be easy, that it will take many compromises, and that you will have to respect eachother's relationship with their own children, even if it is different.

Do NOT put off discussing things before moving in together by fear it could compromise your plans. Not doing so will only delay the inevitable and it will be much more difficult to sort things out later. Do discuss arrangements/finances/expectations/rules/discipline etc...

DH (doesn't have children so not so applicable to the question, but still relevant in terms of expectations) spent a lot of time discussing this as part of our courtship before deciding to move in together. OH was a bit anxious as he had been in a relationship with a woman with children and it didn't work out because of too many differences. Thankfully, we discovered quickly that we had very similar views on raising children, and also both agreed that he wouldn't take on the role of parenting towards them, but that I would always listen to his feelings and suggestions. We are both independent individuals so I respect that he has his freedom and would never expect him to look after the children, similarly, he respects that I value spending time with them without him.

Good luck!

0dfod · 20/08/2015 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cake83 · 05/09/2015 23:30

My partner and I have been a blended family for 3 years. My children are 14 and his are 4. We have ups and downs. ...mainly his ex throwing new demands....We have the same way of parenting so that definitely helps! Take it slow and see how you go....you'll know pretty quick

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