Finding step parenting hard

[pixiejean7]

I have been with my partner for 1.5yrs and we bought a house in dec 14. My partner has a 9yr son from a previous relationship.

At first things were good, I have a good relationship with the son and we were all happy!

Now time has gone on, the cracks are beginning to show! The son has hardly any manners - please/ thank you's are rare! His table manners are non excistant and his generally spoilt attitude grates on me.
I have tried many times to talk to my partner regarding this and he obviously gets on the defense and protects his son and tells me to butt out.

We are great as a couple and are now expecting our own child next year. But the arguments are becoming more frequent regarding his son.

When we do argue his son is generally there. I always ask my partner not to argue in front of his son but he carries on... Making me look the bad guy!
They do their own thing leaving me alone.

Last night was the final straw and I really need advice now!
I had just cooked dinner and was serving it up....
I asked his son to sit at the table, "sit round straight with your legs in" I said, he picks up his drink and starts downing lots! "Don't drink too much before dinner you'll fill yourself up" I said next and pop his food infront of him. "God leave him alone and stop going on, bet even he's had enough of you going on" my partner snaps at me!!
I glare at my partner, whispering I've told you not to do that infront of him!!!
I'm fuming and remove myself from the situation.

How dare he, not only undermining perfectly fair table rules but putting words in his sons mouth and therefor probably making him think against me too!

Please help.... Any advice much appreciated!

Op your dp really needs to get his head out of his arse, once your lo arrives things really will get hard.

Does he really want his ds to grow up being rude and without boundaries? Ask him.

He is showing serious lack of respect towards you and is teaching his son to do so too.

Time to sort out what it is you really want, do you want the rest of your life to dominated by this disrespectful man?

I'm sure others will be along in a minute, with more experience that me. I,d suggest you think about picking your battles: does it really mAtter where his legs are in relation to the rest of him. Will anyone die?

If you can build a rapport, you may ab able to influence the imprtant things. He now knows these things rile you and that he can get his father onside, too.

Not a good place for any of you to be. Hope you can work somethings out, you and your partner together. Best of luck.

Regarding whether it matters where his legs are... Isn't it just polite to have table manners? My dp's 4yo dd sometimes plays up at dinner time so now we all sit at the table and she is expected to behave by both me and her dad which he supports as if she gets to be silly and do as she pleases then getting her to eat is a nightmare. Definitely needs to be supported by your dp though!

I'd advise you to pick your battles and decide what's really important and what isn't.

Your parenting style sounds similar to my own, and I have enormous sympathy, but you may just have to let some of it go or deal with it in a different way with rewards for good manners and explanations about why manners are important, rather than chastisement for bad manners.

This is DH's parenting style and while it used to grate on me, it seems to be working with my DSS who was a bit of a table hooligan but with encouragement, humour and rewards is now fit for civilisation!????

Fortunately DH and I are a tight team and communicate well, my own DS is an adult, and DH and I won't have any DC of our own, so I realise I have it easy.

You may have found yourself so wound up that you are picking up a lot of little things in your DSS. This would increase your DP wanting to defend his son and a vicious circle might have emerged.

The less you feel listened to, the more you get wound up. The more you say things. The more your DP gets wound up etc.

Maybe you could begin a conversation with your DP by saying a few positive things about his parenting and your DSS. Genuine ones. Then say that you are worried and probably asking a bit too much of DSS.

Then ask for a couple of things to change - e.g. saying thank you for dinner (does it really matter if he drinks? his feet under the table? these aren't the big things). And then tell him really clearly that if he disagrees with you he MUST wait until DSS is in bed and then you can really chat about it. Would that work?

This week's Three Day Nanny programme on Channel 4 was very elightening with regard to finding that balance between good table manners and constant "going on". Try and find it on 4OD/catchup if you can. Having said that your DP was totally out of order to undermine you like that in front of DSS.

If I were you I'd detach a bit by not doing the cooking when DSS is there (perhaps make things "fair" by cooking when it's just the two of you). If your DP's the one doing the cooking/shopping you might find it easier to step back emotionally and not get so wound up by DSS's table manners/lack of gratitude.

Your DP shouldn't undermine you, but the examples you used are nit picking. If you do this all the time I can see why your DP and DSS are resentful.

Pick your battles OP. It doesn't really matter how he sits at home as long as he knows how to sit on formal occasions surely, and how much he drinks is up to him. If you are going to get stressed about little things like this the teenage years will hit you very hard.

I worked around dodgy table manners by not sitting opposite anyone who offended me. They all knew how to behave, as they could do it at grandparents' houses. Years later they are fine at home too, it does work out.

I think there is a lot of excellent advice on this thread, very fair and balanced. I think you should do as K888 suggests.

The thing is that when the OP has her own child and wants him/her to behave at the table, her child will look at the stepbrother and copy him.

Could you work on one aspect of behaviour at a time. Sitting at a table properly is important otherwise children can and fall off the chairs. If my partner behaved like that to me I would allow his child to drink as much as he liked before eating and then when there are complaints made before bedtime of hunger I would calmly state that you have cooked for everyone and now they will have to sort themselves out.

Drinking less than one glass or cup of liquid is not unreasonable and will not fill him up before eating a meal. Where on earth did you get such a strange idea? I can see why your H thinks that you are inventing things to have a go at his son about.

I think you need to have a discussion with your H when your stepson is not with you about what are essential table manners and manners in general. You need to compromise as I think your expectations are unrealistic for anyone who would like to relax over a meal in their own home let alone a 9 year old boy.

This seems to be such a common complaint in blended families - very different parenting styles and concern that the various DCs will be held to different standards in the same house.

I think it's inevitable, though, and just one of the reasons that step parenting can be a lot harder than parenting your own DCs.

OP I've read a few times on this board the advice to step parents that, when your DP isn't on the same page as you, the battles you pick are the ones that directly affect you. If your DSS is kicking you at the table; deal with it yourself. If he's sat sideways, not eating, messing with his food, then leave it, as it doesn't directly impact on you.

If your DSC have no table manners, then there's no enjoyment in eating with them, so when they are with you, mealtimes become practical, rather then sociable, occasions. If you view them as such, it may become more tolerable. And eating out with them is obviously not an option.

Pixie your situation sounds so familiar with the one I grew up with I really hope I can help. All what you say about your SS my SM said exactly about me. According to her I was unfriendly, always grumpy, full of myself and... had terrible table manners which she became obsessed with. The situation you describe and the words you said resonated in my mind and what you're OH said is exactly what my dad used to tell her. I can look back and say this: I was a child feeling incredibly uncomfortable coming to see my dad because I felt excluded by my SM. She seemed to only focus her attention on everything negative about me and it made me feel very anxious. I then truly believed she took pleasure out of having a go at me at any chance. I hated her. My dad did defend me and the reason why he did is because he simply didn't agree with her. My manners might not have been the best but they were not terrible and he too has enough if what he saw as just picking on me for something that didn't really matter.

Their marriage went through a very difficult time because of it and they almost separated a couple of times. I dreaded my visits and only went to be with my dad and so did everything so I would spend time only with him. If I hadn't left the country at 16 I do think they would have divorced.

30 years later.... I turned pretty good and my table manners have long been sorted! I am a pretty pleasant human being! My SM and I made up when I had my own children. I brought them up so she was grandma for them and that touched her a lot. She adores my children and think they are wonderfully well mannered kids. She has opened up a number of times and admitted that she's wasted a lot of time and energy trying to 'sort me out' and risked her marriage as a result of it. We now get along brilliantly but I had to learn to forgive her first.

Sorry for the long story but please please leave your SS education alone and focus on the positives. Don't try to impose your values and principles on the child if these are not his dad's. The advice on focusing only on what affects you directly is excellent. Remember that what will make your life the easiest is if you SS likes you so look at how you can build a relationship based on what you share and have in common and leave discipline to dad.

I have been in your situation. It is hard and fustrating. It got so bad that DSS spent all his time in his room and ate his meals there too. My answer was to step away and it worked. We would go weeks without DSS and I even being in the same room.

So what if he is not sitting properly at the table. When my DSS did this, feet on the chair and knees by his chest, I would catch my DH's eye and incline my head, as far as I was concerned it was then DH's choice to deal with it. So what if he does not eat all his food, lives on chocolate and never showers. Leave it to your DH. You have other things to worry about.

Since I stepped away and made an effort not to criticise DSS, life has got easier, DH and I get on better. In fact DH will come to me asking what I think about problems with DSS and listen to my advise now, as he does not think I am 'against' DSS.

STEP AWAY!!!!