Jealousy

[LazySusan11]

Will try to be as concise as I can here! Dh and I together 8 years, I have 1 dsd who's 12.

Not the OW, have a decent relationship with dsd mum. We share care so some weeks we have dsd 3 nights sometimes 4 and both parties are flexible, all good.

I work out of the UK for a month every other month and have done for many years. I have a good relationship with dsd in the main, she asks to spend time with me sometimes without dh or if I can pick her up from school/home etc instead of dh so we get some extra time together. So all in all I'd say we're pretty good.

However, after being away for my month I come home and dsd does everything she can to come between dh and I. The jealousy has always been an issue but after 8 years it's starting to grind me down.

Between dhs job and having dsd I get 1 full day in 10 with my dh to ourselves. I get 28 days at home so time is obviously precious.

One recent incident was dsd was upstairs playing dh and I sitting on the sofa next to each other. Dsd comes downstairs and tries to squeeze between us, I asked her to sit next to me or next to dh we can all cuddle up together and watch a film.

Wasn't what she wanted, dh supported my suggestion. Dsd sat next to her dad sulking and out of the corner of my eye I see her gesturing to her dad to get up. Dh then turns to me and asks if I'd like a drink. An excuse to get up allow dsd to move to the middle without me knowing. Only I did know because I saw and these sorts of things happen a lot. Secret gestures, whispering. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and so I will make myself scarce. I point out to my dh how I feel and he appears to listen and take it onboard only for me to go away and return to the same issues.

I know dsd comes first, I care very much for her however I don't think it's unreasonable if me to not want her always sitting between us or to want to address the jealousy issues.

At bedtime she will ask dh to go upstairs for a chat and often it'll be a good 45 mins before he reappears by which time I'm ready for bed.

She is also like this with her mum when she has had a new partner. Dh says he talks to her about how she feels but nothing ever changes. I don't want her to feel threatened or unsafe, I don't demand time with dh I participate in family days and also leave them to have time together. Just because I come and go I don't want dsd routine messed up so I tend to work around them.

I don't know how to deal with the jealously, I'm due home in a week and we will have dsd for my first 3 days at home. I already feel anxious about it.

Suggestions gratefully received. Sorry for the epic post!

My dsd can be a bit like this but as we only have them eow I let them get on with it. Not much help but a little bump in the hope of someone coming along soon

Thank you Eat

Do you mean your jealousy?

I think you should let the girl sit between you, it's really not a big deal.

Though I don't think he should be engaging in covert activity to undermine you, but then if you had simply moved along this wouldn't have happened.

If you don't object to it all the time maybe it will die down, while you object she will probably feel more like doing it.

He should set her bedtime and stick to it, if she wants to talk for 45 minutes, she goes up 45 minutes earlier. If she goes up at bedtime, then it's bedtime, or twenty mins before then she gets 20 mins, but he has to deal with that, not you or her.

But she is a child, you are an adult, I think you need to relax a bit about it.

Not my jealousy no.

melon Given that the OPs DP initially reinforced her decision not to move over, prssumably he didn't think it was unreasonable?
but he later colluded with his DD to undermine the OP - and somehow that is is the OPs fault, for not doing as the DSD wanted in the first place?

OP your DP is demonstrating by his behaviour where you fit in his life. Despite having limited time with you (unlike in many relationships involving a NRP where the couple time is plentiful) he is not prioritising spending time with you, preferring instead to appease his DD, who quite understandably, feels put out when she has to share her dad with you one month in two.

He can choose whether to parent her by equipping her with the skills needed to deal with uncomfortable emotions, or whether to pander to her, so that she doesn't experience any negative feelings.

Pressed done to soon! I don't feel jealous at all and I wish she didn't as she has plenty of attention from both of us and individually when I am at home.

I really don't want to have her squash herself between us every time I'm sat next to dh she's 12 not 4

So, you sit somewhere else then?

dss likes to sit next to his dad, as his dad sits at the end of the sofa that means he squishes between us, so I sit on the other sofa or the chair when he does it. I also don't want him squished between us (and more awkward with 14yo boy for a sm I tend to think) but I don't see it as an issue at all. I just sit somewhere else.

Melon I think you are missing the point the op is trying to make.

Lazy - i think you need to arrange a babysitter one evening and you and dh need to go out and have a frank and honest discussion. At 12 she very much needs to learn her behaviour is not appropriate. She is trying to make the point that she is more important to him than you are and you being absence every other month means she gets to be a bit spiteful about the whole "he's mine not yours"

I am assuming from your post that this behaviour settles after a while? If so how long does it last?

No it doesn't settle I just remove myself when she's with us and allow her the time with her dad.

No one person is more important, all need to be happy and felt valid for the family to function as a whole. My dsd doing this doesn't bother me as its only eow as I said but I don't think I'd manage with that amount of time

Sorry, why isn't her behaviour 'appropriate'? If this was squeezing between her parents no-one would think anything of it?

I'm not missing the point at all. I think the OP is overreacting. It's always going to be difficult with her being on her own a whole month at a time and having to suddenly share the other month.

Removing yourself to let her be with her dad seems sensible.

But the father needs to put some boundaries in place though he will need to uphold them when the OP is not there as well and this is where it all falls down.

It's not appropriate because of the way in which it is being done.

Lazy if it never calms down then I think you need a conversation with your dh. He needs to manage this behaviour and get his daughter to understand that you are just as important as she is as just as entitled to have close time. Detatching in this situation is not in anyone's best interest.

I believe the problem is he has no boundaries whilst I'm away and when I'm home and I speak to dh he then puts some in place but these appear to only be short term.

I have some lovely times with dsd on our own and also the 3 of us so I don't know why she gets so jealous. I don't know how to resolve it and I don't want to come between them so I do my own thing during the day and come home early evening.

Her behaviour is quite normal, shows she cares about both of you. I personally wouldn't make an issue of it, welcome her in the middle BUT make it clear with your OH that the evening routine is cut down to 15 mns. At 12, she shouldn't need a bed time routine. Then you and OH can have your time.

OP your partners/dsd attitude would be an issue for me too. As the new couple (as opposed to original), getting time alone is really hard so being "together", even with the kids there, is so important.

When we go for a family walk my DP holds my hand as a priority. Our kids are 6,9,9,10, so not small. We sit next to each other at table. We have both insisted on this.

These are just small things but they are the structure of our new family. We are showing our kids how their partners should treat them and visa versa. Would he want his daughter to be treated like you? As an intruder?

Sorry, why isn't her behaviour 'appropriate'? If this was squeezing between her parents no-one would think anything of it?

^this.

I'm not quite sure what boundaries you think your husband should put in place while you are not there? Rationing his time on the settee with her?

I think it is quite sad that your husband feels the need to covertly organize to sit with his daughter. He obviously feels torn between the two of you. I can understand dsd wanting time with a parent alone (it seems from your post that her mother has changed partners several times?)

I know this is not helpful to you but just to give insight as a stepchild I wanted contact with my Mum and Dad, not their partners (even though they were nice) and I resented having to play happy families with everyone.

I think I understand this. OP and her DP are sat very closely on the sofa (kind of snuggled, if you will) but DSD is trying to sit between them?

The covertness of getting him to go into another room... As a DSD I used to do that. It was usually to ask for a biscuit or if we could do something etc. Looking back it was a bit silly but, as a child, it was something I just did...

The sofa incident was an example not the whole issue, what I need is ways to resolve her jealousy.

Lazy, I'm not sure her feelings of jealousy can be resolved. To her, anyone else taking her dad's attention is always going to feel uncomfortable. I think that rather than trying to take away those feelings maybe you need to acknowledge them?

I see it in my DP's DDs all the time and now (3 years on!) my own DCs have started to get a bit clingy - DS2 (10) quite often bundles in between us, jokingly stating "MY mummy!" to DP, who then winds him up by saying "no she's mine!" before starting a play fight with him.

Do you think it might help to vocalise it for her. I know the whole "MY mummy" thing sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but it brings some humour into the situation and opens up a conversation about how he'll always be my son and nobody else can take his place, but that DP & I also like to have a hug sometimes and it's important for us to get time together too.

I feel like it gives credibility to DS's feelings, but also puts them in the context of our family.

I think this is easier with my DCs than it is with DP's, as he spends more time with my lot so the familiarity is there and I wouldn't dare 'lay claim' to him in front of them as we don't have that kind of jokey relationship. I only spend 1-2 days every couple of weeks with his DCs, but they know he is here when he isn't with them, which I think fuels some of their jealousy.

Maybe next time your DSD squeezes in between you and DP you could make a joke of it and start a tickle fight to get the 'right' to sit next to him, then open up a chat about how your situation works and how it must be hard for her to have to share him when you're there but that you've missed him etc.

You say that by the time the chat has finished you are 'ready for bed'. I can understand that what you are asking for is some balance.

Time alone with DP on the sofa watching TV or whatever, so that at other times you can let DP and DSD hang around together.

I've had this too with my DP, he'd let all his DSDs stay up with us in the living room (who were teenagers, so old enough to stay up late) - and when I asked for some time just me and him he'd ask them to go up 10ish and then they'd have snacks... then come in asking about something... groan!!!

The thing is - it shouldn't be a battle - but if you have no time on your own with DP while DSD is there it is as unbalanced as if you and DP were constantly cuddled up the whole time - someone is bound to get resentful.

I'd say this is more about your jealousy than the child's. My dds love to sit between my dp (their stepdad) and I and he wouldn't dare say they had to sit beside me and not beside us both. Take it as a compliment that your dsd wants to sit beside you and her dad.

To add, I on occasion spend 40 mins plus putting my girls to bed. At 12 there's a lot going on in their heads and with their bodies and 121 parent/child time is important. My dp wouldn't dare question how long I take to put my girls to bed.

I think you need to really re think the situation and put things into perspective a bit.

If this was squeezing between her parents no-one would think anything of it?

I'm the resident parent, and there is no way I would allow dd to squeeze between me and her stepdad if we were intentionally sitting next to each other. It's about boundaries, and respect. It's totally different if dp and I are just on the sofa and dd sits in the middle coz that's the spot with the most room or the most comfy looking spot, completely different.

It's quite sweet she wants to sit with both of you instead of just with her dad. Instead of thinking it's to separate you on the sofa can you think it's nice she wants to be with both of you?

I think the extra talking time is to be able to stay up later tbh, I uses to do that to my dad's gf but talking to her not my dad. It's manipulative but I wouldn't take it personal against you.

She probably is jealous but you won't make that better by pushing her away. I would probably give her a hug when she sits between you and after 5 minutes tell her to shoo as you want a snog with her dad. That would get any almost teen running away to her bedroom.