How do I stop/let go

[MuthaHubbard]

DP moved in before Xmas and to a certain extent, we have different ideas on parenting yet other things we totally agree on. DD (13) and very used to him being here now after the initial settling in period.

The problem now I think is me. If she does something wrong or there's an issue he will often jump in before I get chance to say anything and give his opinion/tell her the problem. It seems to get my hackles up and I go in to defensive mode and end up saying things like 'who's the parent here' or 'am I allowed to sort this out', etc, etc. Unless warranted, I am the sort who would sit and discuss the issue (sometimes not there and then but later when calmed down) rather than just launching into a rant.

If it were the other way around and his DS was misbehaving, I would normally let him address it and deal with it in his way (unless something really bad) and I would appreciate the same a lot of the time.

Majority of the time what he is saying is right but it's just the way he goes about it. I know I need to stop jumping on the defensive all the time but after so long on my own and ExH being rather feckless, I just take it to heart. On the other hand, I know he is doing it because he cares and because he also sees ExH as feckless and he is trying to make up for that in a way.

Any suggestions?

Talk to him!!

Dp and I are very similar to your set up, I am the one who deals with it there and then and he is the one who lets the dust settle and then discusses it. It drives me mad as I feel that there is a time and a place for each approach but get frustrated with the fact that he doesn't ever law down the law.

Neither of you is wrong but perhaps a discussion re boundaries is needed?

Thanks wheres - it's good to know that we aren't the only ones who differ in our approach and it really is one of the only snagging points we have. He is definitely a 'law layer' whereas I am 'dust settler/discusser' except for the odd times when I totally flip and turn into a screaming banshee

We have discussed it and agreed that we do parent differently - I see where he is coming from. I am also conscious of the 'step parents aren't allowed to say anything about my child as whatever it is ain't right' thing and I don't like it or want to be that parent/partner.

Afterwards we all muddle along again for a while quite happily.

When it does happen again, he states he will 'butt out' and then I feel bad as I know he means well but I know I need to reign it in too. Even DD says 'I know he says things in a grumpy way sometimes but i know it's because he cares'.

We do need to keep talking though rather than us both seeing our arses!

the fact you recognise that is a huge plus point! And the fact you and your DD acknowledge that often he is right its just his approach you have an issue with means that together as a family you can find a happy medium.

i think it is more common in relationships (nuclear and step) than people are willing to admit. My parents are still together after 40 something years and their approaches to parenting were wildly diffferent. Dad is the blow up immediately and mum is the one who will simmer and then blow up once her last nerve is snapped.

If it helps, DP and I have a kind of 'whoever saw it deals with it' approach and we try and sometimes fail not to step in or criticise the way that person deals with it. We may have a kind of debrief after the event where one or other will maybe suggest that an alternative approach might have been better but more in a 'if it had been me' way if that makes sense?

Thanks again wheres - yes it is more the way he does it rather than what he's doing. And thanks for the suggestion re whoever saw/knows the issue, deals with it - it is deffo something we will try.

DD seems to be getting the hang of this bit better than me

It's hard when you have done it on your own for any length of time because someone else int he equation will always unsettle your balance. Normally these posts are the other way and it's the step parent posting about the clashes in techniques!

I think you probably need to swallow it a bit as you both need to find your feet. He needs to maybe dial it back a bit and you maybe need to wind it up a bit. You will find a compromise that works for both of you!