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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Child free for two weeks

34 replies

MsColouring · 25/07/2015 12:35

Also posted in chat. Wasn't sure where the best place for this it doesn't feel right posting in lone parents as I'm not one any more but am I step parent.

My children went off to their dad's for two weeks yesterday. I doubt I will be able to speak to them much over the next two weeks as their dad has a habit of trying to block phone contact (he denies this of course). I have been close to tears constantly since Thursday evening - I am missing them loads.

I am a full time teacher so very sad that I miss some of the school holiday time with them but equally I do use some of their time away to catch up with work. I live with my partner so not alone.

So wondering who else is out there feeling like this. What are your coping strategies? Do you enjoy it or do you hate it?

I try to cope by taking one day at a time. Try and give myself tasks for each day (there are loads of jobs around the house that need to be done as well as school work!) Me and DP try and give ourselves some time together. I try and meet up with child free friends (meeting with friends with children tends to depress me). Two weeks feels like a very long time!

OP posts:
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pieceofpurplesky · 25/07/2015 13:03

Are you parent or step parent?

Original poster
MsColouring · 25/07/2015 13:05

Both

OP posts:
Original poster
MsColouring · 25/07/2015 13:05

Two of my own. One step child. Won't be seeing any of them for two weeks.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 25/07/2015 14:25

At the risk of sounding mean and I honestly don't mean to, but from my perspective as a step mum I think it gives mum a chance to feel what dad's feel a lot of the time. My dp hates the fact he doesn't get to see his kids everyday (not saying same in all cases) and his ex refuses to acknowledge that as an equal parent he has rights and feelings so if she was posting this I would be inclined to say welcome to the fathers world.

I think you need to remember that they are with their sad and it is important for them to have that bond without interruption from you, however hard that is for you it is often the best thing for the kids, especially if older. Otherwise they are often subjected to feeling guilty for having fun at dads while mum is home missing them.

Hope that makes sense

WLTMEET · 25/07/2015 14:43

Where'sthelight- that's not what the OP asked and it's downright nasty. Albeit written in a way that disguises it well.

OP, it's hard. Time makes it easier to cope with. Being at home will make it harder imo, so keep yourself busy and perhaps have a break away somewhere.

Original poster
MsColouring · 25/07/2015 15:39

Get what you are saying wheresthelight but it doesn't change how I am feeling right now. Perhaps step parenting wasn't the right place for this one.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/07/2015 15:43

Mrs I've posted a similar thread on lone parenting.

Same situation don't worry about the classification.

Come and have a chat! Brew

WLTMEET · 25/07/2015 16:30

Wheresthelight has just shown how hostile this board can be. Sorry you don't feel you can be supported here, perhaps try lone parenting or just parenting.

yellowdaisies · 25/07/2015 16:43

I miss mine too when they're away, though it has been easier since DD has had a phone. I can text her and get lovely long replies telling me what she's been up to. (I text my DS too but am lucky if I get so much as a "OK" back Grin)

Apart from that I do much the same things as you so - catch up with child free friends, jobs that need doing and spending some quality time with DH.

Kkaty · 25/07/2015 21:28

I can see both OP and wheresthelight's point of view -

I do miss my son - he's been away for nearly 4 weeks now with no contact at all - (I have him most of time) his Dad doesn't care and is pretty hostile. I do miss him a lot - I just concentrate on other parts of my life.

BUT I do think we need to get on top of our feelings of missing them - not ignoring them - but I think kids can pick up on our feelings and also - if we've formed another partnership and are step parents - then isn't that the time we can have with our OH - however 'good' a step family can be - there is very little time to just have our relationship to ourselves. It can be a time we can show that even though we love our children - that time alone with OH is something we look forward to as well?

I suppose I say this as my OH just looks lost without his DC - on the very rare weekend away just us he often says that he misses his kids just at the moment I'm expecting him to say - 'It's so nice to have some time with you alone' - in face I've said that to him before myself and he's just said 'Well, I miss my kids.. ' - makes me feel second best!

Quesera21 · 25/07/2015 22:37

wheres thelight - just plain nasty.

Whilst maybe not the case for the OP and many parents, my DCs father walked out on them. His lack of contact is his choice and believe me on the rare 2 weeks in 3 yrs that he takes them on holiday - it hurt like hell.

But how I felt, is not how my EX feels - he made his choice, neither I nor the children did. We do not need to understand how he feels because we did not make that choice.

wheresthelight · 26/07/2015 08:38

I really fail to see why I am being accused of being nasty and hostile!

Dad's who never wanted their relationships to end or their kids to be separated from them feel what this mum is feeling all the time but have that ignored. I was at no point dismissing the ops feelings but do think she needs to get some perspective that she feels like this for. Two week period where as her ex may feel like it every day bar those two weeks

Melonfool · 26/07/2015 09:38

It's just not necessary to mention, is it?

wheresthelight · 26/07/2015 09:51

So no one is allowed to mention that dad's have feelings too?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/07/2015 10:12

The dads are perfectly entitled to post on here and find support. If you miss your children, you miss your children. Wind your neck in and stop fighting imaginary people's battles.

My DP sees his daughter every weekend, he misses her like crazy but it's a routine now for him.

This is the first time my son has gone, the father is patchy in comms and all my friends are away. There is no routine so as the op, we are looking for tips and company, not a pity party.

Op had a few problems with the ex and his communication pattern and aggressiveness would upset and worry me too.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 26/07/2015 10:38

So are we only allowed to talk about our own feelings and not mention another parents perspective ever? How ridiculous, LP SP and an other section people post to get different perspectives

WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/07/2015 10:54

Yes but the op was talking about coping strategies, making plans etc. asking what others do - the post wasn't about who deserves to miss their kids the most fgs.

And the taste of your own medicine talk....wtf?

Let's all just be miserable then shall we, because we all deserve to, be for being separated/divorced/estranged.

Completely uncalled for and unrelated to the thread.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 26/07/2015 11:03

I don't think wheresthe meant it like that. The op posted in SP and got an SP perspective, nothing wrong with that, I'd take it as its a good thing it's only 2 weeks and not all the time. Enjoy the time with her do. The thing with the typed word is is you can't hear how it's said. And knowing wheresthe she meant it with good intention

WLTMEET · 26/07/2015 11:34

Can't believe you fail to see why your comment was crass and nasty. If someone said they were hurting for some reason, would your response be 'well now you get to see what it feels like'? Because that's essentially what you've just said to the OP. It was bloody horrible and if you're not getting that, then I think you're the one who needs to get some perspective, not the OP.
What I mean by that, is that If the response you provided her was genuinely the first thing that came into your head when she said she was a mother missing her children, then I suggest that you have completely lost your own perspective on matters around step parenting.

FantasticButtocks · 26/07/2015 11:49

So no one is allowed to mention that dad's have feelings too? Well, yes, but that isn't what this thread is about! The OP has posted for support and advice! Not for a lecture on the unhappiness of fathers who don't live with their children. Can you really not see that? Those fathers' unhappiness is not her fault. You are sabotaging her thread for your own agenda.

Original poster
MsColouring · 26/07/2015 12:44

I have no doubt that my ex misses the children when he does not have them but how he feels is not my responsibility. It is his own responsibility to have coping mechanisms when he does not have them and to maintain his relationship with his children. He chooses not to phone them when he does not have them - even on their birthdays or Christmas.

When my children are with their dad it is my responsibility to ensure I have ways of coping with it so I don't make the children feel guilty about their time with their dad and it is my responsibility to balance out keeping in touch with them with ensuring they have the space to enjoy their time. One of the things that bugs me when we have dss for any length of time is that his mum will constantly text and tell dp how much she is missing him and will try and get us to drop him off early etc. We really don't need to know how she is feeling, she has a partner, family and friends for that support.

I think it is sad when NRPs see their contact as a means of punishing the RPs or vice versa.

OP posts:
Kitsmummy · 26/07/2015 12:54

I've just been without my kids for 8 days whilst they were on holiday with their dad and to be honest, I've really enjoyed it Blush.

Looking forward to getting them back tonight though

Mscolouring - keep yourself busy is my advice and maybe have a project (decorating the kids room?) for the week

BlueBlueSea · 26/07/2015 15:09

You do get used to it. I have been apart from their father for over 7 years.

I always dreaded the two weeks in the summer holidays when the kids go away for two weeks with their Dad, I miss them like mad. I try to keep busy and will arrange to go to the Theatre or away for a long weekend. I just remember that it is only two weeks once a year and try to make the most of it. The rest of the year it is only a week for the other holidays.

Now mine are teens they pretty much set their own agenda and there is only one week when they are away this summer.

Letitgoletitgo · 26/07/2015 15:35

Hi op, same situation here , I'm a parent and step parent, and all the dcs are away this week on holiday , I am a teacher and on my own while dp is at work. I do think it is harder when you've been working hard and looking forward to the holidays with your dcs, only to end up home alone . I would almost prefer to be at work! Not saying my dp doesn't miss dss, but it is regular schedule and he is at work otherwise , so pretty distracted ! It is hard - as a teacher I am used to being so so busy, and then rushing home after work to my dcs. Try to slow down and enjoy some lie ins .

However , coping strategies - dp and I had a day out on our own this weekend , which never happens ! I am keeping busy in the week by hiring a rug Dr and doing all the carpets and having a big house clean while I have the place to myself, and am going for a midweek dinner with some girlfriends just because I can :0) Also planning to sit in my pjs and watch Netflix all day ..... Ha ha ! Just get a few things done that you couldn't do with the dcs around and try to enjoy it . I'm sure half this advice was as much for myself as for you op! Lots of hugs to you xxx

HoneyLemon · 26/07/2015 18:16

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