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Step-parenting

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Original poster

taken aback

24 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 25/07/2015 01:31

Watching a film with dp and dss and I say to dss 'there's a tube of smarties on the worktop if you want to go get them' he replied 'no I don't always have to say yes do I?' My dp was like don't be so rude. But I was really shocked at dss and a wee bit hurt at his reaction. We have been getting on really well lately. I suppose it's just kids. But it has sort of wound me up. in not sure where it came from. And to be fair dss always takes sweets when offered and in our house it's a treat so I was taken aback.

I don't know if he was just to lazy to go get them. (He does this a lot- ie if it involves any level of effort he will go without).

OP posts:

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Binkleflip · 25/07/2015 01:35

should that not have just been a "of course and then you just say no thank you" type of response - end of? I don't think he was really rude but maybe I am reading it wrong?

HoneyLemon · 25/07/2015 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 25/07/2015 07:09

Bloody he'll... I have two step kids and two bio kids and any one of them could say that... I wouldn't think anything of it.

There again, my son is autistic, so we have very direct questions... If I wanted to offer them to him say 'if you want them, get them' and if I expected him to,get them for me say 'please get them for me'

The kids are still entitled,to say no, but if they refused, I'd go get what I wanted and not share :-)

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 25/07/2015 09:44

Of course he can say no. But whyfollow it with I don't always have to say yes. To me that's just plain cheek and I was suprised because that's not like him. But I can pretty much bet a full months wage that it was because he had to go get it himself. If I was to bring them through he'd have taken them. I'm not overlly worked up about it. But I was a bit peeved last night about it.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 25/07/2015 10:17

Jesus Always you need to find someway of getting out of this spiral you seem to be in. You are posting more and more threads where you are getting yourself het up about nothing. You are going to spend the rest of your life in a knot of anger and resentment if you can't find some balance and perspective on these children and their behaviour. Cause actually most of the time what you are posting is utterly trivial and normal stuff which isn't worth even thinking about. So the real question is why are you in this 'place' and how can you resolve whatever that is.

Bellebella · 25/07/2015 10:21

Really I mean yes he was cheeky but kids are, I would not worry about that.

you post a lot about your step kids, in the scheme of things this is nothing. I think it is an overreaction and you need to stop reading too much into it.

saoirse31 · 25/07/2015 10:23

Well he doesn't always have to say yes, does he? really don't see anything wrong with what he said

ThreeFrazzledFandangos · 25/07/2015 10:26

I don't even see it as cheeky.

You offered smarties, no smarties required.

Everyone goes back to watching the film.

Enjoyable night had by all.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 25/07/2015 10:40

It was his tone that gotme. Of course he cansay no- that's all he had to say. Why follow it up with a cheeky remark?

I'm not too bothered by it but like i said I was a bit annoyed about it. I never done anything to provoke his reaction.

It's not a big deal I'm not getting worked up and there are bigger issues.

I don't believe my post implies I'm reading too much into it. It's not like im worried if the kid hates me all of a suudden. It was more a vent of last night's frustration. Water off a ducks back now and off to try and have a good day.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 25/07/2015 13:28

Because he is a kid? And kids are cheeky, even those who are disciplined and are little angels to strangers?

Why couldn't you respond with a lightweight answer 'hey you smarty pants, you know that if you don't get them now, I will and eat them all' or something along that line and then forget all about it rather than still be dwelling on it the following morning.

If the issue is that you are looking for any signs that they like you or don't like you, then dont stop as such matters because it doesn't mean anything at all one way or the other except that he is a child of his generation.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 25/07/2015 16:57

Something tells me it wasn't what was said that was the problem.

The OP tried to do something nice - a treat perhaps not offered everyday - and feels rejected.
it's possible that DSS feels like he's being bought and feels defensive. Who knows.

But bottom line, OP - if you are going to get along with your DSS.. you are going to have to let it go :-)

HoneyLemon · 25/07/2015 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 25/07/2015 17:29

It was quite rude but to be honest I was just taken aback by the tone. It was just so out of character for him. It's nothing to with feeling rejected or anything. I suppose I'm just unsure where it came from. He was maybe just having a grumpy day. Who knows.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 25/07/2015 17:34

Always your OP talks about you being a wee bit hurt by his rejection and wound up? Thats a different position to now...

ommmward · 25/07/2015 17:36

I knew a woman who spent her whole life saying to her husband "X, would you like to..." and then the rest of the sentence would be "put the bins out" or "bathe the baby", and it was somehow a question that never admitted the possibility of the answer "no, I would not like to".

Maybe you often ask people to do things in a way that is hard to say no to, whatever they really feel, and they resent it?

(the friend's husband is now an ex-husband, and I, frankly, think he's well out of it)

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 25/07/2015 18:20

Hurt by his tone yes. Rejected no. It was a tube of smarties. I don't care if he ate them or not. I was offering them to him and hhis response ' I dont have to say yes all the time' to me was cheeky and uncalled for. His tone caught me off guard and because I'm notused to him being like that it did hurt me because it was unprovoked.

Ommmward I'm not quite sure what you mean bit I only said to him there's a tube of snarties on the worktop if you want them.

It's hardly asking a question he feels he has to say yes to then resenting me for it.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 25/07/2015 18:28

Its an odd response from a child to being offered sweets. It sounds like he maybe feels under pressure to accept things you offer him? Maybe pressure you arent aware of, maye pressure that doesnt exist but that he thinks does? Either way its an odd response and i'd be asking hik gently about it. Actually i would advise his dad to as you dont seem to have the right attitude towards him for him to want to talk anything through with you.

PeruvianFoodLover · 25/07/2015 19:09

DCs are constantly growing, maturing, developing and that means they test boundaries and behave slightly differently every, single day.

At the age of 9, my DD told me she hated me. It was said with spite and venom. She'd NEVER said anything like that to me before.
But it didn't mean I was a dreadful parent, or that she'd changed the way she felt about me - she was just growing up!

Your stepDC will never be predictable and consistent - DCs aren't like that. They will shock you, hurt you, and make you immensely happy - all in the space of an hour!

TopCivilServant · 25/07/2015 19:19

Today I asked DD to get something for me and she shouted "I don't want to!!!" at me. We had words. The end.
This needed to be something instantly dealt with or ignored and then forgotten. Children are rude sometimes, don't take it personally

Kkaty · 25/07/2015 21:05

That response would be totally normal in my house! I'd let it wash off you, just say 'hey, just a polite no thank you, cheeky!' would have dispelled anything.

If there is a pattern of targeting you and a seething resentment then that is different. The overall atmosphere of the house is key and if you are getting really cross - then maybe ask yourself why - what is it that is getting to you?

BeautifulBatman · 25/07/2015 21:12

Cheeky little shit. 'No thank you' would've sufficed.

swingofthings · 26/07/2015 10:43

Just remember that it has nothing to do with you being a step-mum. Kids act and say things that hurt your feelings because of them not doing things as we expect them to. I can think of many things my kids have said that have hurt my feelings, not because what they said was unacceptable, but because I expected them to react differently. It's part of life and raising children. It only gets worse when they are teenagers!

hoobygalooby · 27/07/2015 11:51

I would be more shocked if one of mine refused a pack of smarties than the way they said it!!
Maybe he didn't mean it to sound as rude as it did!!

Tequilashotfor1 · 27/07/2015 11:56

I think it was quite rude actually. Even his father thought it.

I wouldn't have replied like that to one of my parents other wise I'd probably have been sent to bed

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