Wanting to support DSS but not wanting to undermine mum

[captainproton]

DSS has a glowing report from school, he got the best grades out of his year and his head of year made specific reference to this in his report. A couple of weeks ago was his schools awards ceremony and DSS phoned DH the evening before to see if he would go. DH checked with his ex who told DH that she had already told DSS she was going (it was her night anyway and they both couldn't go as she would have taken her DH). Anyway we asked DSS how it all went and turns out they didn't go at all.

This was mentioned in the school report that it would have been nice that he could have been there with his parents.

Anyway, DH sent DSS a text on Saturday saying he is really proud of his report. Today DSS says he's not seen his report (wouldn't say why) and asks DH to email him a photo of it. So DH does this, he thinks his mum might be embarrassed by the comment by head of year.

We have noticed that DSS will always ask to come here if he has anything going on in his life other than going to school, and DH is happy to do that but has always checked with his mum first.

DH regrets not saying yes to DSS about the awards ceremony. For it to have worked DSS would probably have to have stayed with us as DSS lives 35 miles from his school and we are closer.

But as these things nearly always happen when DSS is supposed to be with mum should he be getting her permission first?

The school also want DSS to get involved in the school play he did it in the first year but not since. At the parents evening the head of year asked him why he wouldn't do it, DSS said its because his mum won't wait for him (it's a 1.5 hour commute home as it is for them). DH has said to DSS and his mum that DSS can stay here but DSS suddenly changed his mind and didn't want to do it anyway.

DSS is 14, how much say does he have in these situations? And WWYD?

Sorry I forgot to say DSS thinks his mum likes to promise and not deliver. There was a big moan about how his mum never does what she says, like the awards ceremony and his birthday. There was a big to-do because she promised him a meal at cafe rouge and has been putting it off for 5 months.

He's 14 I would start arranging things with DS direct and if you live far closer to his school perhaps his life would be easier/he would prefer to spend more weekday nights staying over at yours rather than weekends?

I see it as a natural progression to ending of formal fixed contact and a different sort of relationship with teens. It would be good to carry on informing his Mum of things that have been arranged rather than asking for her agreement though - also ensures that DS is doing what he says he is and not playing both sets of parents and disappearing off to get up to something he shouldn't!

Oh my, so similar to what happens here. dss DM doesn't talk through his school report with him, I do. She won't let him go to activities that mean she has to pick him up so he ends up staying here for them. Etc etc.

I must say though, being that far from his school is odd, why has that happened?

You can only do your best, encourage him, tell him he's always welcome and so on. Just explain about the misunderstanding about the show, these things happen.

Oh just read about the meal - dss DM has been promising to take him to Disney for three years, meanwhile we took him to Eurodisney for a day. He also says she said she would take him to Wagamanas for his birthday......last year, and never did. Meanwhile we've been about four times times.

She does it with all sorts - holidays, films, days out.....

If it is a school play or awards ceremony - if you wanted to go and support DSS - can you not arrange this anyway even if DM says she will too?

DSDs DM never goes to parents evenings - although she went to some end of year ceremonies and so did we - the DSDs loved everyone being there.

The distance from school is very odd, they used to live there before his mum remarried. Mum still works there and her eldest 2 have a father in the area and the one still at school goes to the same school as DSS. DH didn't like idea of DSS starting there but what choice did he have.

As with most things the school do there are only 2 available tickets so it's either mum or dad going. Besides there is no love lost between the pair, and I doubt they would ever agree to go together.

I get the impression that the daily commute is taking its toll on mum, and things like extra curricular activities have fallen by the way side. This is why DH is keen to say to them both that he is willing to have him more if it helps. I think at some point DSS will end up telling his mum what he is doing and not asking, she can be a bit controlling and usually he has just gone along with it. Teens are not exactly known for suffering in silence.

You, well your DH actually, should speak to the school as many schools will often try and organise an extra ticket in a split family situation, especially if they've commented on it because that probably means to me that he has mentioned it to his HOY.

Can your step son live with you, it sounds like he'd be better off with his father and you.