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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Waiting to have DC until dad is older

24 replies

Poppy84b · 13/07/2015 23:56

A number of reasons dictates that we cannot afford to have a child now, one being how much DH pays in maintenance and other costs relating to DSD. This money was agreed between him and his ex and not through Csa. I'm so bored of constantly being asked when we are going to have a child especially by his family. If I dare mention DH's maintenance as one of the reasons everyone seems to think I'm making a dig which I'm not. Not really sure what my point is, maybe I just wanted a rant. Can't seem to get his family to understand that I wouldn't want to have a child that went without something because we weren't in a good financial position. I realise that when DSD turns 18 it won't mean he never gives over any more money ever again but maintenance payments will stop right?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Original poster

Poppy84b · 13/07/2015 23:57

Fat fingers. Should read when DSD is older

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JeanSeberg · 13/07/2015 23:58

My children have cost me more than ever post-18. Two out of three at uni currently. Sorry.

AlpacaMyBags · 13/07/2015 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:06

He won't go to the Csa because he doesn't want to rock the boat. I'm not saying he pays too much or that he shouldn't have to pay, but realistically, one cannot pretend that maintenance, pocket money, fuel from the long distances he has to drive to pickup and return her home, entertainment when she's with us, extra for uniform, school trips etc is not an outgoing!
My IL's think I'm being unreasonable, I think I'm being a realist.

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K888 · 14/07/2015 00:22

My Ex has given the reason to his girlfriend that he wants to wait to have another baby for financial reasons and his maintenance to me. I know that this is just an excuse for my Ex - he is scared of the responsiblity of doing it all again and is delaying things. I don't get much maintenance from him and don't ask for a penny more. Do you think any of this could ring true for you?

BackforGood · 14/07/2015 00:25

None of us can say really, without knowing the sorts of amounts you are talking about. In so many ways, if any of us waited until we could 'afford' a child, we'd none of us ever get to be parents I don't think - you cut your cloth to suit to some extent.
Difficult to know if he has agreed to a bit of a one sided agreement or if what he pays is too little, or just spot on - but I agree with others, they don't stop being expensive when they turn 18.
Also, it might make a difference if dsd is already 17, or if she's 2..... that's quite a big difference in waiting time, and, of course, if you are 20, or 45 - again, it will influence the urgency.
Not that I'm sure why you are discussing you family planning with other people

BackforGood · 14/07/2015 00:26

(I mean, as in, your in-laws, not asking on an anon. forum)

scatterthenuns · 14/07/2015 00:27

I'd have my DC now, rather than wait tbh. PP are right, uni costs so much more than csa, and if he is a good parent he will want to contribute.

Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:31

It's me putting the blockers up, he's keen to have another. He's paying a bit more than he should. I'll be 39 when DSD turns 18. I know no one can ever really 'afford' children, I just know we couldn't manage on one salary or paying for childcare.

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Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:33

Back forgot- I know, I have repeatedly told them it's bad manners to ask personal questions like that but I made the mistake of trying to justify myself once and now never hear the end of it

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Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:33

FFS! backforgood I meant

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K888 · 14/07/2015 00:41

I wonder then OP - if it is you feeling conflicted, rather than your partner - if you are struggling to come to terms of having to share the finances/energy of your DP. Which is perfectly natural, better to think things through now than just resent it all later.

I had a baby with my DP and we have been really financially strapped - mainly because of his very generous and unalterable financial deal to his Ex wife. And really, this is something that I knew about before we decided to have another child so I can't really complain. But it is tough, to struggle, and not give your child what you'd feel they deserve.

I hope that this isn't too negative. Does it make you wonder if you'd be better off with someone who can give you their all? Difficult and ugly question I know. But again, at least you are going in naively and blind.

K888 · 14/07/2015 00:41

I mean 'are not going in naively...' oops!

Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:48

K888 you are most probably right. If I had known back then what I know now... Maybe things would be different but we've been together 10+ years and we are also married. I would never begrudge him helping his daughter if she decides to go to uni later on but we'll cross that bridge when. It comes to it.

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IsItStupid · 14/07/2015 00:50

I'll be 39 when DSD turns 18.

I don't want to be negative here, but 39 is quite late to start having a family. According to this fertility site, "By the age of 40 only two in five of those who wish to have a baby will be able to do so."

Putting aside finances for a moment, it could be a now or never situation.

Including finances in the discussion, maintenance will stop but uni contributions may exceed maintenance.

On the other hand, your in-laws are being very unreasonable to constantly question your family planning. You don't have to account to anyone and delaying a family so that you will have better finances for that child is a responsible thing to do.

Perhaps if your in-laws are so involved in your life they'd like to offer to be free childcare!

Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:55

I did suggest to MIL that perhaps she's like to babysit one day a week as she did for her other children's DC a few years back but no, no, couldn't possibly commit.

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Original poster

Poppy84b · 14/07/2015 00:57

I should just stop trying to justify it all really, shouldn't I? It's our business. God, I wish I had kept my trap shut!

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IsItStupid · 14/07/2015 01:08

Poppy funny how that works, isn't it? I suppose they also wouldn't want to pay for a nanny or a nursery either!

Yes, it's your business. You and your husband don't have to justify your position to anyone (except perhaps to each other!).

Of course, that's much easier said than done when the 'friendly' inquiries keep coming!

CandyLane · 14/07/2015 01:13

I say just go for it.
I had both my DCs when I wasn't financially stable but they are the best things to ever happen to me and although they haven't been spoilt the way I would have liked to have been able to spoil them at times, they certainly have never gone without. Me on the other hand, go without new clothes and nights out etc, but it's all worth it.
You just adapt and adjust.

charlyn · 14/07/2015 10:47

Do you want a child now? How old is your dsd? I don't think you should wait til she is 18, 39 is too late to start trying really as it may not be so easy and then how would you feel if it wasn't possible. A lot of people have kids when they think they cant afford it but you can normally find a way.

ExhaustedWithLife · 14/07/2015 10:51

I wouldn't wait until I was 39 - what if you can't conceive? I'm not sure what you mean by "going without" - I see the results where I live of children being horribly materially spoilt and it's not pretty.

Bringing up children doesn't need to be as expensive as some people make it.

yellowdaisies · 14/07/2015 14:29

If you really want a baby, and you're sure that your DH is the person you want to have it with, then get on and have one. The resentment you feel at his family for not being so enthusiastic this time round, or your DH for paying more maintenance that prehaps he needs to will be nothing compared to the amount you'll resent him (and DSD probably) if you wait til you're 39 before you start trying and then find you can't.

On the other hand, if you're not yet sure you want a baby, and know that you don't want to have one in your current circumstances, then yes you should just tell them to shut up.

BackforGood · 14/07/2015 20:44

I certainly wouldn't wait until I was 39 until trying to have a baby. Your chances become slimmer as you get older, and the chances of complications - if you get pregnant - get higher, then the chances of any medical intervention to help you get lower, and so on and so forth.
If you want a child, then you shouldn't wait until your dsd is 18, IMO.

YonicScrewdriver · 14/07/2015 21:17

I too would consider trying now, assume you are at least 30

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