would love more children but...

[roo28]

I haven't posted here in a while and now it seems like all my problems at once! Sorry!

Anyways i have ssk's and a nine month old son. I would love another baby so much as i love children and really believe i am an excellent mummy and step-mum (despite the strains of both).

My DH and i have a great relationship but have our stresses too mainly surrounding the SK's. Our access arrangement is every second weekend and every other monday night.

I would appreciate all comments even if they are not what i want to hear...

The main problem for me is that i am not sure that our relationship would cope with another baby but i am not sure if i would survive knowing that my son will never have a close sibling (especially if something happens to me and DH) or that i have one child soley because of DH previous life!

Am feeling heart-broken...

by the way that's 2sk's - one 4 one 9

There is no reason why your ds cannot have a close relationship with his step siblings.
My dd is 2.9 and my dss is 17 and they actually are very close and I know that he will be there for her for the rest of her life.

You ds is only 9m you have plenty of time to think about this and maybe you will be in a better position to have another baby in a couple of years.

What does your husband think? Does he want another one? What sort of stresses do you have surrounding the sk's? What is it that you don't feel able to cope with if you were to have another one - 4 children all at once or 2 children at home? Was this something that you and your husband talked about before you got married? Sorry for all the questions when you are after advice!!! I used to go out with a guy who had a son and in the end it was the stress of the ex wife and the child that forced us apart. I was very young too!

Thanks for response. That is really lovely that your children are close despite age gap. Others have said to consider it in a few years it is just that i always envisaged having children close together (my sister is 17months older than me).

The only other thing is that my ss is 9 and my DH always comments that he has been having kids for 10 years now (he did not plan first son at all although he adores him obviously).

Do you think i could be over-thinking things and should be more confident about having more children?

Thanks agina for your thoughts.

McDreamy - no worries am happy to elaborate.
My DH would probably not have anymore children and i confess that i thought that i would be happy with just one but you never know how your going to feel so you? Yeas we spoke about things but again it is so difficult things never pan out the way you think.

The stresses surrounding the Sk's are the ususal really - feeling overwhelmed when they are here (one has learning problems making it harder), the pressures from in-laws who are unrealistic about the situation, the fact taht DH doesn't communicate well with x etc.

The unable to cope would be the 4 kids not 2 at home etc.

mmmm difficult not any easy situation. Not sure what to say really, as you say things never pan out the way you expect. Your lo is only 9 months so maybe you should just enjoy that for the moment. Review again in 6 months rather than arguing for the next 6 months and coming to the same answer. As your 9 month old gets older they get easier which may help the situation when you have more children around but there's no getting away from it 4 children is a houseful. Not sure that helps at all -sorry!!!!!!

Hello roo

Your post sounds so much like my life, I have dd 16 months and would like another but not sure if we could handle having 4 children at once, altho it would only be everyother sat and when ever dsk come over for tea etc.

Dp has said its up to me if i want another, but i feel its something we should decide togther.

Dp also has bad communication with his x.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I feel for you Roo. I would dearly love another child of my own, but am not having one. We would have definitely had two if dh hadn't had dsd, but there's nothing I can do about the situation so just have to accept it. Most of the time I'm fine about it, but every now and then I get sad.

For me, I don't want another so that dd can have a "close" sibling. Dsd is as much her sibling now as she would be if I'd been her mum, and a bit of biology doesn't make any difference IMO.

Do you think you might be looking for reasons to justify wanting one, so you can argue your corner? I've found that no matter how many practical reasons dh puts forward - all of which I agree with - it doesn't take away the longing. I think it's just a biological thing.

Surfermum - thanks so much tis very comforting just knowing that others are in this situation too. I agree that biology doesn't make a difference well not in my case that is - he does adore the older kids especially dsd as she is younger and plays with him more.

It is biological but also idealogical for me. I wish i could just accept not having more children but at the moment close friends are planning bigger families and i can't help but feel so envious - i do not want this to lead to a resentment - been there done that - very damaging.

Thanks all x

Hi roo, i have 3SK age 13,10 and 7, we also have 2 of our own age 2 and 8 months.

We see the SK's evry weekend and it can be hard having 5 kids to look after but having dd2 has'nt realy made it any harder.

I would like to have more but dh thinks 5 is plenty so i cant see us having anymore.

Nine months of having a baby isn't that long, I agree that you need to give it some time. I was in same situation with two SKs (10 and 7) and a DD who's now three, although I have now split up with her dad.

Like you, I wanted DD to have a sibling she lived with, because I don't think it's the same having sibs that only visit at weekends - it's not that she's not close to them - it's just that they're not there most of the time and sometimes I'm sad that she's playing on her own. Having said that, I try to make sure she has lots of friends around.

However, main point is that now she's older, they all pretty much look after each other on weekends the SKs are around, so it's much easier in lots of ways to have three of them than just DD - so if you did have another baby it actually might be easier in a way with the SKs around because your son can be entertained by them. This wasn't the case though until she was two-ish. Also, I used to get all stressed about the practicalities of who slept where etc. and now after a bit of time it doesn't really seem to matter very much. I have a few friends who have a four or five year gap between their kids because they couldn't cope with a baby earlier without the whole SK's issue - it's easy to make them the focus when there might also be other factors - and they all seem to think this age gap is fine. I know it's difficult - I am the only one of my circle now with only one kid, but then I also have freedoms that my friends don't.

The only thing I did wonder about having four, is how would we all get in a normal car?

Good luck.

Hi Roo, I am in a simular situ, my DH has 3 DS's and the age gap is quite a lot from 16 to 8. We have a DD aged 2 and (selfishly) I would like another. We see them once a month (as they do have life's of their own 2!) I suppose we are lucky that we have a DD as the boys really dote on her. My DH is a fantastic dad and really spends time with them. We have spoken about this a lot as DH was not too keen a year ago. Maybe like us, you should wait a while for your SK's to get used to your DS and gain a bond. I thought this was never going to happen, but it does. Your DH has a past but and it can sometimes be very difficult for them to split their love, I had to make DH understand that my DD will never grow up with his DS's and that would be unfair and by the way 4 does work in the house, they all play together and I sometimes I feel invisible until meal times and bed time's. They are all happy, that's the main thing. Hope that helps?

hi there evissa,

thanks so much for your response. we have re-visited this subject again and dh definately does not want another child - well specifically pre-one year old and pregnant wife! I am desperae for another baby - a wee sibling for my ds would be great although he adores his brother and sister (10,4).

We have agreed to leave this discussion for another month but i can not see a resolve.

I feel guilty because dh has a life too and i think he feels that he has already given me a baby when he was not really cnsidering it in the first place. I never expected to feel so 'in love' with being a mummy...it's tough so appreciate all the help and advice xxx

Hey all just looking for some fresh advice...

My Ds is now 13months and we have re-visited this subject - still an adament NO from DH - really devasted and feeling like i'm not coping well with this decision - please help if anyone can,

thanks so much xxx

I'm in a very similar situation - my DH has two grown children from his first marriage and DS(4) with me. He also doesn't want any more children and reminds me when we broach the subject that he agreed to have DS only for me (if it were left up to him he wouldn't have felt the need for any more)and he doesn't want any more children.
Unfortunately it's only when you have had children of your own that you know how you really feel about children and like you, I hadn't expected to love being a mum quite so much. I would love to have another child but have accepted that choosing this partner in life means I have chosen this path. I do try to remind myself to be thankful and happy to have found the love I do have with my DH and DS.

I do think we have to give ourselves permission to grieve for the children we haven't had that we wanted to have - it's a deeply complex set of emotions, I sometimes think women have an almost instinctual desire for more children. In accepting that you are not having any more you will have to allow yourself moments of utter heartbreaking emotion as when we have to deal with the loss of anybody in life.

This probably sounds mad to think about grieving for something you haven't had or never will have, but it is like having to give up on a dream, in this case, of a larger family. If it does come to pass that you don't have any more children, the feelings of upset that you have now will get better (and there will also be many days when you thank heavens you didn't.) It will get better, so, sorry - no real advice, but I really do understand how you feel!

No real advice, but much sympathy.
I have 2 sks, htough they live a couple of hours away, and we have 2 dds ourselves. I did think about a 3rd for a while, and dh wasn't that sure about it, and it owld have uoset me if the sks had been the reason.

Is your dh's reason that there isn't room, or money, or time? I agree that you can manage the sace in yor hoouse if needs be. Car is a sepaarte issue, and we can't all fit in our car. It means that dh usually has to go and visit his children, as his ex doesn't like to bring them here. And we can't go snd visit them altogether as htey wouldn't fit in the car!!
But I htink you just manage best you can.
Good luck.

hi really feel for u. my dh has 2 kids with x, and we have two together. Lack of space, car room etc is an issue that should be considered, but i feel not the deciding point. Yet i do feel that money, and the quality of life u can offer all kids does matter. We cope in a 2 bedroom house with stepkids coming nearly every fri til sat. but all the kids involved are under 5 so its prob easier for us.If u want more kids that feeling will never go away, but u cant force ur dh to do something he doesnt want to. The best thing is to make sure u communicate all the time and try not let it affect your relationship. i was lucky in that my dh loves kids and respected that i would want a family of my own, as i am in early twenties. Good luck whatever u both decide.

I feel for you all. I have 3 dsks and we are planning another baby. The problem is, although it's never been mentioned, I know that my dp is quite happy with the children that we have and is really only doing this for me. I have a wonderful relationship with my sks and my dp and I often describe them as 'our' children but he doesn't seem to understand that they will never really be my children as I missed out on so much of their lives.

I really feel some of these husbands are being very selfish. You shouldn't feel you can't have another child because this wasn't agreed at some date in the past, things change and the urge to have a child or another child comes from nowhere. Trust your instincts. Don't leave it too late - if you want another child then find a way to have one. Where is the equality if your dp can have four children why can you only have one. Most people want to have at least one sibling for their child, this is very normal and the husbands here should understand this. Step children are not like your own children - most people don't have the same bond. If the partner here is being selfish then I think you too have the right to be selfish. Bear in mind this is a very old issue and women have always found ways round it, a happy accident may not be so hard to arrange. A large proportion of pregnancies are unplanned. Perhaps its a good idea not to bring it up for discussion if the responce from dh is not going to be favourable and then when the accident happens you can always say you had no idea how strongly he felt. I would advise being clever and strategic and don't place too much importance on the opinions of a man who doesn't want his second wife to have a second child because this is selfish of him - its like denying someone a basic human right.

I'd never engineer an "accident". I was with someone for 12 years who didn't want children and it was never an option. He was adamant he didn't want to have children and I respected that.

Dsd was planned by dh's x but not by him, she stopped taking the pill without telling him. When she broke the news he reacted badly and not in the way she expected. It was a total shock to him and she'd taken away his choice about whether he had a child with her and when he became a father. His x was devastated at his reaction and I don't think she has ever forgiven him.

It's agonising when one person wants a child and the other doesn't. I know, I've been there and it was an impossible situation. But no matter how hard it is, I really don't think it's right to force someone to become a parent when they don't want to.

thank you all so much for responding - the advice and kind words are appreciated.

I dont think that having a happy accident is the road i wish to go down but i agree with olliebird when she says that denying someone a baby is like denying a basic human right well that is how it can feel.

I know it is a question of whether you can learn to live with the situation but as one of my friends (also sp) said recently...disagreeing about having another is not like disagreeing on a piece of furniture. It is a major life decision and if you can agree then it is clear that you want different things and how can that make a sucessful marriage.

Still hoping...

ps thanks olliebird it is always nice to get such a strong response that is in my favour even if i'm not in 100% agreement with the advice - still makes me feel better.

It's a no win situation for anyone. Xp and I spent hours talking and talking and talking, and I spent hours talking to friends. But there was no solution. We just wanted different things and there was no compromise.

I think having gone through that agonising time, I am so grateful that I did find the courage to end the relationship, and go on to meet dh and have dd, that perhaps for me, it's easier to say "ok, I'd really like another but I'll settle for one". Because in the dark days of a few years ago I never thought I'd ever experience what it's like to be a mum.

that's exactly it surfermum! it is such a major issue that there can really be no compromise it would be a case of just wanting different things. I am so glad that you found someone who wanted the same things as you... i hope me and dh can resolve this too.

thanks for your post - i know exactly how you felt re; talking about it all the time, to friends etc. I feel like i need a break from my own thoughts just now!

If you want another child then you should go for it. Circumstances change.

Like I said I'd dearly love another, but if I can't I'm going to be grateful for what I've got. I can cuddle all my friends' babies to give them a break, I can give dd more time and afford to give her more opportunities. There are positives in it.