Am I being over sensitive?

[MsColouring]

My dp has managed to piss off his ex. She decided to book dss9 a haircut on Saturday morning on dp's day (he is not allowed a whole weekend) and he refused to take him on that day because it was my dd9's birthday party later in the morning and we'd be preparing for that.

Since then dp has been getting a barrage of abuse about his parenting: he is neglecting dss's welfare by not taking him for a haircut, dss should come first and it shouldn't matter that it is dd's birthday, dss should have clean trousers on every day for school even if they aren't dirty etc. Today it has been: make sure he is getting enough protein ie. Meat ( I am vegetarian so we sometimes have veggie food), dss should have access to snacks like pepperoni all the time as he is growing, he should go to bed earlier and he is withdrawn when he gets back to her.

So this feels like a direct criticism of my parenting as house rules have been decided between me and dp like only fruit snacks between meals which the children have to ask for. The children are sometimes a bit later to bed at weekends. The kids sometimes wear uniform for more than one day (if it's not dirty) as it's the only way we can keep the washing pile under control. It wouldn't be fair on anyone to treat dss differently and I don't see why our household should be subject to her scrutiny.

I am anticipating the responses: detach, detach, detach....

Mmmm, dp's ex tried to get dp to take dss to the hairdresser recently, on a day dp was working. dp couldn't, cos he was, you know, working. She then insisted he give dss the money to get it cut.
Funnily up til very recently she and dss always insisted dp have nothing to do with his hair.

Ex is a hairdresser......

Anyways.....your dp did right and now he just needs to apply the "yep, sure, no problem" response to her demands. And carry on as normal in your own home.

You should do as melon suggested, but the passive aggressive side of me wants you to ask her to supply the endless pepperoni and a timetable of when he requires one, make sure to ask how many are required overnight so you can set an alarm.

Lol lunar!

lol Lunar - I know what you mean, some of the "requirements" can seem like that's the best response can't they?

Agree with Melo & Lunar1 (Ha ha). Unless there are big concerns, like about safety it really isn't up to an ex what happens on the days with the other parent.

They certainly should never book anything - or if they feel its really important they should ask first.

Mind you I used to cut my own boys hair when he was young, I prided myself it wasn't a bad job. But admittedly I did it once in a rush just before he was handed on to Ex and the fringe was a little wonky... hadn't properly noticed! Ooops! So my Ex insisted only he got his haircut from then on - fair enough! Then then his hair grew fairly long because he never did it so I had to take over again (barbers this time)!!!

Dp's response eventually was that he is loved and cared for here and that's all she needs to know.

My advice to your DP would be to kindly advise his ex that HE will decide how he spends his time with his son when he sees him. It's not for her to tell him. If she wants their son to have a hair cut then she can take him at any other time when he is with her.
As for other pointless messages from her - ignore, ignore, ignore.

So now, because dp hasn't agreed over the snacks thing she has told dss that this is what has been happening. This morning, we were out and the children had had snacks before they left but dss said dp had to buy him something to eat because his mum says that he has to eat every two hours. Dp told him he had to wait for lunchtime. And later he started going on about how children have to have meat otherwise they won't grow. We are really annoyed.

It's the constant snacking on crap that leads to childhood obesity. The body is not designed to have a constant flow of food. Just ignore her and keep doing what you are doing

We used to get this stuff fed back via dss apparently from his mother. He's too old to take any notice of it now but in the past it has really grated.

It is just a way for the ex to exert some control.

It probably goes both ways though, he probably reports the things you say too and that probably winds her up.

I has some success with "well, I think you're smart enough to know we have different rules in each house and be able to follow them".

Melon, we are forever saying that! Different home different rules. We say it most at the protest of bed time.

Your home, your rules...for the mutual benefit of everyone residing in it!!

I agree with Melon, when ex starts instructing your DP on how he should treat his DS, he should give a standard response of 'yeah right' and just carry on as normal! If your DSS pipes up with requests for snacks/argues about bedtime, he's still just young enough to be distracted with other things! Tell him about what's happening tomorrow, describe the ice cream he's getting after his 'proper' lunch/tea, suggesting really fun things you're going to do! All of these ideas can be introduced just before you anticipate his requests for whatever, and hopefully will absorb him enough to forget about 'pepperoni'!

Why on earth was she planning things on the day he is with his dad? After 15 years of step parenting this never happened to us. DHs ex did some unreasonable things but didn't do that

Just to make things worse, when dss's mum picked him up yesterday dp had gone to work so it was just me and the kids. Dss complains to his mum that his dad isn't letting him have snacks and then looks right at me and then to his mum. She says to him she'll speak to his dad. I was so cross but held my tongue. When they'd gone I did text his mum (she had texted me earlier so I needed to reply to that anyway) and said you may want to have a word with him about playing one parent off the other. Then felt instantly guilty for getting involved. She texted back later saying he knows not to play one parent off the other and they'll sort it. I not even sure she really sees that she's facilitating him playing them off each other.