If you have teenage step-kids who stay every-other weekend, do they do chores?

[SlinkyB]

Just that really. I have a 15yo dss, and have two small kids (1 and 4) with DH.

Dss barely does anything around the house, apart from empty the dishwasher if it has been on.

Just wondered if this was normal?

Melon... Oh - if it's not his home does that mean we can move to a nice one bed cottage by the sea and not have to have a mortgage for a family home near his school?

Would agree! I thought it was weird if any were guests, as each parent is just as important to feel 'at home' with?

I would consider all of the kids, DSCs or DCs to have a 'home' - but the resident ones have to do more... although in my case it was a bit of a battle and I ended up asking kids to do very little! Once came back from two weeks away on my own with toddler to a house which had been stayed in by 3 non-resident teenage DSDs and the bathrooms were so bad I had a big argument with my OH - I said he should have got them to clean up! We're not a hotel!

Good point Soup. I'd like to think I'll bring my boys up to clear up after themselves, regardless of whose house they are in. It's just basic manners.

Incidentally, I have a friend whose dp has two teenage sons who stay EOW. Her dp has categorically stated that these "children" will not lift a finger, as kids are only kids for such a short time/they have a lifetime of chores and responsibility ahead of them blah blah blah.

They are 16 and 19, and my friend is now pg with her first child with him. I'm sure things will have to change in that household soon (she works full time).

SlinkyB - tell your friend to put her foot down before the baby arrives! She won't want to be clearing up after those big lads when the baby has her up all night!

I agree with so many of you, DSC cannot be both family and guests, their DF's need to treat them one way or the other, not just as it suits in the moment! Petal, that would have driven me insane, but the fact that now your DSS is grown up, and probably only visits DF when he wants something proves the point.....Disney parenting is just wrong!!

K888 I've raised my eyebrows over the years and said she should put her foot down and be more "my house my rules" with the boys, but she's just always been "not my kids, don't feel it's my place to say anything" I think things will change when baby is here. Or maybe she's just a lot more placid (passive?) than me.

So what have we learnt from this thread? I'm thinking the following;

1. try to raise young adults who know it's polite to tidy up after yourself, regardless of whose house you are in. So, open curtains and blinds in bedroom, make bed, take cups and place in dishwasher, help lay table/clear away after dinner etc
2. Things like cleaning bathrooms and vacuuming should be done at the RP's house, as that's where they spend the majority of their time so it's more fair.
3. don't pay kids to do chores
4. hope that RP and NRP's are all on the same page!
5. Disney parenting just does not work in the long run.

Think that's it? Feel free to add more!

Er, yes? Children don't want to do a lot of things you ask them to do. Doesn't mean they get out of doing them!

But that's the whole point, isn't it? A NR DC can get out of doing chores by voting with their feet and leaving the NR household. They have somewhere else to go.

If a NRC (particularly a teen) refuses to spend time in the NR home because They are expected towash up/clean their room/help with the garden, then what?

It's the same when a NRP attempts to discipline. Try confiscating a phone from a NR child, or limiting their internet time, and they can just walk out back to the RP home. It requires that RP to say no and to back the NRP.

If the RP allows their child to choose whether they have contact with the NRP, then the NRP is totally undermined and may as well give up any attempts at parenting and just enjoy being "Disney" - at least, that's my opinion!

Oh wow, it would never occur to me not to ask my stepson to help, for fear he'd catch the next bus back to his Mum's. I think his Mum would think he's being ridiculous and send him straight back.

But that's the root of the whole problem, isn't it? A child with separated parents is often allowed to vote with their feet, and in a situation (like ours) where the ex considered it to be a 'win' if access ceases, and would not have given DH any support to get it back on track, then a non resident father tiptoes around the child, desperate to ensure they keep visiting.

Mad and unhealthy, but true.