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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

If you have teenage step-kids who stay every-other weekend, do they do chores?

58 replies

SlinkyB · 05/07/2015 18:15

Just that really. I have a 15yo dss, and have two small kids (1 and 4) with DH.

Dss barely does anything around the house, apart from empty the dishwasher if it has been on.

Just wondered if this was normal?

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Original poster

SlinkyB · 06/07/2015 10:07

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/2414015-Guest-post-My-sons-refuse-to-help-with-chores-and-I-know-its-my-fault This guest blog is appropriate for this thread I feel. Some interesting posts on it wrt getting teenage boys to do housework.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 06/07/2015 10:13

Slinky, I actually feel quite sorry for DH. He's a genuinely lovely guy who totally adores his son. But following the break-up, he was sooooooooo desperate to to maintain contact, for all the right reasons, but his desperation clouded his judgement and he assumed an extreme Disney position.

DH insists he's not bothered that DSS doesn't seem very interested in him these days, but I know he's upset. DH will be grateful for any tiny crumb of contact, so providing he gets the occasional text message, he will insist everything is fine.

itsbetterthanabox · 06/07/2015 10:17

I think if their dad has them so little it's a bit of a cheek to expect them to do the housework. They don't live there, they are guests!

Oswin · 06/07/2015 10:36

I think it hinges on if you see them as guests or if its there home.
Peruvian you say its in the hands of the rp. I disagree. If a stepchild does not have there own proper bed and is not really treated as an equal member of the family then no they shouldn't do chores. If you will never allow them a key they shouldn't do chores.
A thread recently it was argued that the dsc don't live there if they go eow. It cant be both ways either its there home, and they get the same things a resident child does or there a guest. And guests don't do chores.

Melonfool · 06/07/2015 10:38

I am very much against paying anyone to do chores that are ones that just keep the place ticking over - no-one pays me to do them (in fact, we're soon going to be getting a cleaner so I will paying someone else to do them, so I'm buggered if I'm going to pay dss as well).

I am certainly not his servant. I don't run around after him - I get his dad to do more if dss isn't pulling his weight. Dp also cooks most of the time dss is here, and shops.

We do nag him about his laundry as his room is on the top floor so we don't see it and going to collect it means a special trip, so it's his job to bring it down and it does affect us if he doesn't because then he doesn't have clothes and we can't do things.

The 'being told to clean his teeth' is very much a teenage thing, they revert to toddlers. Dp has now instigated a system whereby dss cleans his teeth in the sink in the downstairs loo and washes his face, with the door open so dp can check he is doing it. I am not that enamoured with this development as it means there is a toothbrush etc in the downstairs loo (which doesn't have a cupboard) and the sink needs cleaning more often as globs of toothpaste are stuck to it -whereas just as a downstairs loo it really didn't used to gte very grubby. Oh well, only ......4 more years...?

Melonfool · 06/07/2015 10:42

Oh - if it's not his home does that mean we can move to a nice one bed cottage by the sea and not have to have a mortgage for a family home near his school?

No. Thought not.

It is his home.

Oswin · 06/07/2015 10:48

Its not me arguing that its not a home for them I they are there eow. That was other stepmothers.
What I am trying to say is if you don't feel its as much there home as much as resident children then they shouldn't be doing chores. Its either there home or they are a guest and should be treated as such.

HoneyLemon · 06/07/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeruvianFoodLover · 06/07/2015 12:06

I'm sure it does work like that in many households, honey.

A DisneyDad who fears upsetting his kids, coupled with a resident parent who places little value on their DC being part of dads household but at the same time, expects contact time to be all about the DC, will inevitably result in DCs who have an elevated status in their NRP house.
At worst, it creates an environment in which the DC negotiates contact based on the value/interest of what their NRP is willing to offer. Chores and day-to-day life are unattractive options.

AlpacaMyBags · 06/07/2015 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Melonfool · 06/07/2015 12:15

As a guest in other people's houses I often help with chores. It's polite.

Even if I don't go there very much.

itsbetterthanabox · 06/07/2015 13:03

You do their cleaning melonfool when staying in someone's house? I doubt that.
If his father wants him to feel like it is his home then he needs to allow him to be there more and take care of him.

AndNowItsSeven · 06/07/2015 13:11

SlinkyB* it sounds like your own upbringing has skewed your view if what is normal in terms of chores. 11 year old ms doing all their own washing and ironing is not really appropriate.

PeruvianFoodLover · 06/07/2015 13:20

if his father wants him to feel like it is his home then he needs to allow him to be there more and take care of him.

And that returns it again to the RP - who my disagree with anything more than EOW contact.

Whether it is right or wrong isn't really the point - a DC will often consider themselves a guest in their NRP home if either or both the RP or NRP behave/refer to contact as visiting dad or staying with dad or going home to mum. And, if they are guests, then they will consider their presence in that home as optional and expect guest treatment while they are there.

Original poster

SlinkyB · 06/07/2015 14:17

Why is it not appropriate andnow? My Mum wasn't at home much due to working 2-3 different jobs to keep a roof over our heads. She and my older sister showed me how the washing machine and iron worked, and would help me if I needed it. It taught me that if I didn't sort my uniform out, I'd get detention. Same with an alarm clock; I can't remember anyone else yelling at me to get out of bed for school; it was my responsibility. Didn't do me any harm, and I think it helped make me more thoughtful and independent.

However I think the fact my upbringing was very different to dh's (he had a traditional family; Dad worked outside the home, Mum stayed at home and did all housework) doesn't help when we clash about what chores the kids should do to help out. Maybe my upbringing was unusual

OP posts:

Melonfool · 06/07/2015 15:08

itsbetterthanabox "You do their cleaning melonfool when staying in someone's house? I doubt that."

Rude.

We weren't talking about 'cleaning', we were talking about 'chores' and in the context of the 'chores' being discussed on this thread yes, I do, and I am sure others do too. If I stay with someone I make my bed, strip it on the last morning, put my towels in the wash, I help load and unload the dishwasher, lay the tables, help cook, walk dogs. I make sure I leave the loo clean. At my sister's I have often done the ironing and frequently the shopping, sometimes even help muck out the horses. I suppose there I am 'family', but no more than a stepchild, surely!?

I was at a friend's this weekend, I made tea, washed mugs, stripped the bed and put my towel in the wash and paid for Sunday lunch out. All the sorts of 'chores' we are talking about stepkids doing. As I said - it's just polite.

PeruvianFoodLover · 06/07/2015 16:00

melon I acknowledge what you're saying, but what if your friend had asked you to vacuum, clean out her chickens or clean the car?

The "chores" you do at your friends, you do willingly because you consider it good manners. You may consider it rude for her to ask you to undertake mee laborious tasks.

In the same way, many NR DCs, (and their RP) consider that being expected to wash a mug, load the dishwasher, collect up dirty laundry etc is rude. They don't view doing those tasks as just "good manners" that they would do anywhere.

So then what? Insist that a DC does something they don't want to do?

hampsterdam · 06/07/2015 17:50

I used to stay with my friend a lot from age 8 or 9 I would muck in with all chores my friend did, dishwasher, table, breakfast, odd bits of cooking as we got older. That is just good manners.
Any rp that let's their child think being asked to wash a mug is rude is an idiot.
God forbid any child has to do something they don't want to do.

BlueBlueSea · 06/07/2015 17:57

SlinkyB Do you not think you are teaching them a life lesson, that if you live together you all help?

I am not teaching them that life lesson, but I do pick my battles and with three teenagers in the house, one of them a step, I have enough battles to choose from.

Alpaca I am still waiting for DH to do that.

Jphilips19 · 06/07/2015 19:54

When my 4 year old SD stays some weekends she isn't a guest she is part of my family I am not her mummy as she has one already but she is included in the bad bits eg. chores ect and she is included in the fun afterwards. How on earth can any child as it grows up learn to survive as an adult if they don't know how to cook, clean, shop and budget their finances it also stops someone behaving selfishly.

Melonfool · 06/07/2015 20:33

Peruvian - that is because they are children, and we are adults, we get to decide what tasks are reasonable for them to do.
So, my point was, pulling your weight is polite - whether you are a guest or family.

PeruvianFoodLover · 06/07/2015 21:31

Any rp that let's their child think being asked to wash a mug is rude is an idiot.

I suggest you stay away from the LP board, then!

Original poster

SlinkyB · 06/07/2015 21:53

So then what? Insist that a DC does something they don't want to do?

Er, yes? Children don't want to do a lot of things you ask them to do. Doesn't mean they get out of doing them!

Melon I'm with you wrt helping out when I'm a guest at someone else's house. I mean, if I know them well enough to be staying there, they're either going to be family or close friends, in which case I'll be part of the furniture anyway.

OP posts:

hampsterdam · 06/07/2015 22:20

Peruvian I used to be a lone parent I hope that doesn't mean my son grows up to be a rude entitled brat too lazy to wash his own cups and pick up after himself at his dad's or anyone else's house. Stand by my comment, anyone bringing their kids up to think like that is an idiot

SoupDragon · 06/07/2015 22:37

Any rp that let's their child think being asked to wash a mug is rude is an idiot.

What about a NRP who does the same...?

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