Struggling with being a step-mother

[SukiBambuki]

DH and I have been together 5 years and have 2 DSC kids from our previous marriages. His are 12 and 10 and mine are 7 and 5. I really love DH but, being totally honest (and knowing I am going to get blasted), I struggle with living with his kids who are here 50% of the time. Compared to some of the threads here, things are really not that bad and DCs are nice kids but there are multiple things that annoy me, DSS being one of them. He is quite clingy and demanding, and often sulky if not getting 100% of DH's attention, and DH treats him like a 2 year old which I find so annoying. I try to grin and bear it but end up feeling mean and resentful. It's also really hard to deal with the change in pace/atmosphere when DSC are here. They of course become DH's sole focus and his main aim is to spend as much time with them as possible so my DCs of course take a back seat which I know DS finds hard to deal with sometimes, especially as he does not have a close relationship with his own dad. I don't think the resentment I feel is helped by the fact that DH and DSC have been living at mine for free for the last two months as DH has not yet sold his flat. He buys food but does not pay towards bills or the cleaner or anything else which grates a little. I told myself to give it 6 months before I ask him for a contribution by which point he should have sold his place but still, it feels like I am paying to put a roof over everyone's head. Getting to the point where i feel I need to make a decision. I am not sure I will ever be happy with the situation as it is now. Should I just grin and bear it and see it as a cost of being with DH? Or if I cannot embrace the role of stepmother should I end the relationship or suggest we live separately? It would be extremely difficult to do that but I sometimes feel that the only solution is to live apart.

Updating this thread as I really need advice on something that happened last night. Last week DSD, 12, mentioned in passing that she was going to have a sleep over with a friend at our house this Friday. DH had said a while before that DSD wanted this friend to come over so I didn't think much of it although it felt a bit early as they only moved in 2.5 months ago but, still, i was ok for it to happen. I then asked DH last night what DSC were finishing school on Friday as it's the end of term and I know some schools finish early and he said that DSD finishes at 11am. I then said, oh so what will she and the friend do, and it seems the plan was for them to come back to the house from school and hang out. This immediately struck me as a bit worrying for the following reasons. First of all, DH has never (not once) allowed DSC to come home alone, or with a friend, from school. DSC's is 40 minutes awaty by tube and DH leaves work early Weds-Fri to collect her and DSS and bring them home. If DSD finishes later than DSC, as she often does, Dh and DSC wait for her before coming home. Also, the other week DH expressly said that DSD was still too young to go to a sports club alone after school and that he and DSC would have to go with her, so I was very surprised to hear that she and a friend are suddenlty allowed to go around London unaccompanied. Secondly, the plan was to come back to the house and hang out. DH wasn't going to be there and he didn't think i was going to be until I pointed out that I usually work from home on Fridays. DH actually looked annoyed when I said I would be at home as he has clearly told DSD that she will have the run of the place in my absence. So, I basically said to DH that I would have expected to be asked or told before he agreed that DSD and her friend (who I met once for literally 2 minutes) can come back to my house and be left there alone all day. He of course interpreted this as me not trusting his daughter, which isn't true as I do, but I feel very uncomfortable at the thought of two 12 year olds alone in my house. This lead to a massive row with DH when he got violent and ugly. Feel totally devastated by this. He says he shouldn't have to ask to for DSC to have friends over but I feel like it is my house and my sons' home and I want to know who is there.

I agree with your DH that if he and his children are living in the house they shouldn't have to ask to invite friends round. However I do think he should have been respectful enough to have a conversation with you about it, especially as it involved something so out of the ordinary for your household.

However what worries me a lot more is that you say he got violent. If he got violent then none of the other issues are relevant, you need to tell him to leave.

You really aren't ready for this. Don't do it to yourself, your kids and the other kids.

Stay together but live separately. The other kids truly imo only like to spend time with their biological parent anyway.

If your DH became violent, then your marriage is over, isn't it?

Leaving that aside for one moment, it's clear that your DH not contributing financially to your household finances is having on impact on how your view his status in your marital home.
It is your home, plural - and, as you are married, it is also a shared financial asset. He's right, he shouldn't have to "ask permission" to live his life the way he wants to in his home. BUT, his DCs are not adults, and therefore should be seeking permission from their parent before making plans.

The problem, yet again, is your DHs apparent prioritisation of his DCs at the expense of your convenience and comfort. Of course he should check with you before he agrees to his DD having the run of the house with a friend - not because it is your house, but because he's not the only adult in the family and therefore his decision impacts on you as well.

I'm assuming that you didn't live together before getting married - a lot of these issues could have been ironed out, or you could have decided that your were incompatible as a couple before you committed yourself legally.

However, all that is irrelevant as you say your DH is violent, and your priority should be your and your DSS safety.

My DD is 12. She will always ask if she wants a friend over. It's not 'permission' as such, it's more a 'what else is going on, who is doing what etc' conversation. He is not working as a team with with you if he doesn't recognise that.

However, if he's been violent, it's irrelevant. He and his children need to go. You, and your children, cannot be sharing a house with him,

My nearly-12 year old would bring a friend round after school if I wasn't in, and that would be OK with me. If DH happened to be at home I wouldn't expect him to have a problem with it (though would make sure to let him know). Maybe your DH feels he needs to collect DSS because he's a bit younger, but that DSD is now getting old enough to have a bit more independence - not unreasonable at 12.

But when you say he got violent and ugly, do you actually mean he hurt you? :( I think that's the bigger issue.

How was he violent?

The day you decide that this man isn't right for you I will honestly breath a sigh of relief for you. In what way does he make your life better? It's not to late to call it a day with him. You gave it a try despite all your misgivings but it really doesn't seem to be working for anyone.

You need to end this. Start divorce proceedings now the longer you leave it the more claim he will have to everything you have worked so hard for.
Tell him to go before his flat sells and you're stuck with him. He doesn't respect you, yes he should have mentioned about his daughter not ask permission but let you know. The fact you see the house as only yours and your son's home shows you don't respect him either, why would you he hasn't paid a penny for the privilege of living there. He's not an equal partner he's a taker, he's an added burden on you and so are his kids.
Agree with pp he's got his life set up to suit him and his kids to the disadvantage of you and yours.
Now he's been violent. What exactly does this man bring to your life other than stress and resentment?? Do you want your boys growing up with a 'man' that turns violent and ugly when called on his disrespectful behaviour?

Also if I was you at this point I would be having a word with his ex wife about violence. Just because the divorce papers day infidelity doesn't mean that's actually why. I know someone who got her ex to state infidelity as grounds for a quick divorce because it was just too painful to put all the unreasonable behaviours, (including violence and basically being a user like your dh)down on paper for other people to read. Cheating could actually be the lesser of two or more evils.

I'd stop this now, before he sells his house. Sounds like your life will be better without him and his children.

He got violent OVER THAT?!! Please finish things with this man. I expect that by now he is on a niceness campaign to encourage you to forget that side of him, but it's there and you'll see it again. How on earth would he deal with big issues?

I hope you are ok, do you feel safe? Worried about you.

Thanks all. I am ok. It's not violence on a huge scale but it is violence and of course unacceptable. He knows he has a problem and says he will try to get help to sort it out. He just cannot seem to handle any type of discussion about difficult topics. Everything I say about his kids is perceived as an attack. In this case, it was that I didn't trust his daughter. I love him and things are often very good between us but then a week later the tensions are back and we have massive problems again as we cannot discuss anything. Leaving aside the violence for a minute, I am really worried about how we are going to get through the next month. Now the latest episode has blown over, all seems fine and DSCs are with their mother for 2 weeks. We will then have them for 3 weeks and I know that is going to create lots of problems. DS1 was saying last weekend that DSS is so boastful, asking why he always shows off about everything, and it's on the tip of my tongue to agree with him as DSS is a complete show off and I HATE my boys feeling that they have to compete in their own homes. Home should be where you can relax and you don't feel you have to compete. I feel like a hostile environment is be created. I said to DS1 that I would talk to DH about DSS but god knows how I am going to broach that one. "Dear DH, could you please teach that boasting and showing off isn't polite."? So so hard.

Established DCs often find it hard to adapt to a blended family - especially if the parenting styles of each parent are very different.

Rather than try and 'change' your DSC by confronting your DH, though, why not take this opportunity to teach your own DS strategies to tolerate and handle the behaviour of his stepsib? He will undoubtedly come across people in other aspects of life that he struggles to accept - student house shares, workplace office colleagues or even a particularly irritating taxi driver on the way to the airport!
It's your DSC home too, and you ALL have to find a way of cohabiting - if that means developing coping strategies to keep the peace, then that's what has to be done!
It's quite likely that you and your DCs have habits that irritate your DH and DSC, too!

Is leaving him a possibility?

If it was a different or "external" scenario, e.g. a difficult child at school, or a taxi driver etc, then yes, I would teach him coping strategies, and I am already doing that in parallel, e.g explain why some people feel the need to boast, i.e. possibly because they are feeling insecure, but I don't see why DSC should have to put up with it/cope with it in his own home and I feel guilty for creating this situation. I am sure we all have niggles/annoyances but in a home setting you can't resolve these by simply avoiding that person and I feel in this case that DSS IS most definitely being annoying and boastful. I am acutely aware of it and find it very irritating so how can i expect my 7 year old not to be?

Is this new behaviour - was your DSS like this before you all moved in together?
If not, then it's likely to be a reaction to the change in living arrangements and will probably ease in time with some gentle guidance.
If he was always like this, then I have to ask - why did you think he'd change ?

He will try to get help? He needs to move out until he's done more than try and it has actually helped. You feel guilty for creating this situation but it's not too late to reverse it.

I could have written your post Suki over 40 years ago!! Similar situation, both with kids from previous marriages. Years of misery and his kids didn't spend 50% of their time with us either, but I just couldn't like his kids especially his daughter. I didn't like myself for feeling so nasty about a pretty little girl, but I couldn't help it - feelings are real and there are no "rights and wrongs" of feelings - we can't turn them on and off at will. There were massive rows about similar sorts of things that you mention, and my own kids heard more of the rows than his kids, as when they were with us, it all had to be sweetness and light! Grrrrrrrrrrh - feel angry just remembering it. The term is Disney Dad....and the mantra is "my kids can do no wrong......ever.....got it.....good...."

Thank god it's all behind us and all the kids are grown with their own families and we are still together, living in peace. BUT if I had my time over I would never have got into the situation. SO I think you have a choice, either accept that you are going to carry on feeling as you do, yes there will be highs and lows but your feelings about DH's son aren't going to change, and you and DH will spend the next god knows how many years trying to protect your own kids, and being resentful of all sorts of things and there will be 2 unhappy adults and 4 unhappy kids living in a state of tension. The fact that DH has anger issues and is not willing or able to discuss rationally is also a big problem - same true for me - always ended in a row......

OR you end it now before things get any worse.

Don't feel bad about you how feel about the step-kids. SPing is NOT a natural thing. The male lion will often kill the young of the lioness who he wants to mate, to preserve his gene pool. We have a lot to learn from the "lower" form of animal life.

I hope you make the right choice.

Suki - have you posted before under another name about this issue. It all sounds a bit familiar. Just wondered.

Your problem is that you are supposed to be a family, at leat fonctioning as one, but really, it's you and your boys and him and his two kids. It's YOUR house, HIS decisions, it's no surprise no-one knows where they stand. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are both making the same error.

In the latest instance, I agree with your partner. It is of course right that your SD should have asked her dad about bringing over her friend, but I do find it odd it is something he would need to pass by you too. Would you find it acceptable if your OH expected you to ask him if you can bring a friend of your son to the house?

You say that your sons feel like he needs to compete with your SS. Why? Who is trying to prove what to whom?

There are different ways of coping with being an extended family and for some it works very well to separate both families emotionally and live separate lives together. You and your partner seem to be striving for normal family life yet both wanting to 'own' the other and that's why there seem to be much conflict.

Thank you NanaNina. I agree that it's really not a natural thing. I thought about it and it really seems that it's a situation with so many conflicting interests. I love him and want to be with him but his and my primary interests are in the well-being of our own children and sometimes that means we are not aligned. I just want to be able to raise my sons in peace without them feeling they need to compete or that they are somehow not as loved or as special as DSCs. And yes, I have posted before under another name . . .

suki You may have answered this before, so I'm sorry if I'm asking again, but how well did you know your DH and his DCs before you got married?
It sounds as if a lot of this has come as a surprise to you, that's all.

Of course, it's inevitable that there is going to be fall out for all the DCs as a result of all this - not only will your recently blended family be splitting up, but your DSC care arrangements will presumably have to be reviewed in light of their dads violence. Have you thought about telling his ex (their mum) about it? I appreciate she may already know and have been a victim herself, but it's possible that she doesn't.

If you are the person I am thinking of Suki I think you knew there would be problems before you got married but went ahead anyway and I think you got flamed a lot on the other thread because of this. BUT the problems are not going to go away and if DH is still not contributing that is another big issue - the sale of this flat seems to have been going on for ever.

Do you know what's stopping you from calling it a day...........or DH moving back to his flat and having his kids there and seeing you without his kids. You back tracked a fair bit on the violence bit, but that was the word you used - a push or shove will almost certainly become a slap or even punch, and once that line has been crossed, things will get worse.

I think there are a lot of non step parents on this thread but I may be wrong. I think you got a bit cross on the other thread so am wondering what it is you want to hear........do you know what you want to hear?

This sounds like a desperately toxic situation for everyone and I really feel for your sons especially - having their home invaded by a waste of space step dad and bullying step siblings.

It's clear that you should never have married this man. You probably went ahead with it thinking it'd all come right once that ring was on your finger. But now you're realising that in fact nothing's changed and you're not going to have your happy ever after ending.

The good news is he still hasn't sold his flat so he has somewhere to go to when you kick him out.

And I think you do have to ask him to leave really. It was all bad enough anyway but now he's been violent I don't think you have a choice but to end it.

There's no way I'd have a violent man in my home around my children.

It is your home too. He doesn't even pay his share of bills. Get rid of him.