Advice please on DSC's fussy eating - feel like I'm going to lose the plot

[Bluster]

One of my DSCs is very fussy. His siblings will give most things a go, as will my DCs, but it's beginning to feel like DSS's fussiness is taking over mealtimes and sometimes the whole household mood.

I plan the meals, do the grocery shop, and most of the cooking for our big household. It's not DP's thing (and he does other stuff).

Although we say to all the kids that it's normal to have a few things you don't especially like, there are only about four pretty traditional/safe main meals DSS will (sometimes) eat. (He's nine, BTW.) When he's due to be with us (EOW and one night a week), I have tried to plan the meals around his likes within reason - although I don't want to limit the others kids' diets and adventurousness with food, nor prepare more than one meal, so this can be tricky. But I try to be accommodating without pandering; there are always at least a few elements to a meal that he'll eat (in theory).

In recent months, he's been asking what's for lunch/dinner every time he comes, and then often doesn't stay and goes back home to Mum - even when we're going to be eating something he's previously liked. Last night, I planned a meal we only started putting on the menu because DSS liked and suggested it - and he still didn't stay.

He came back this morning and we cooked something for breakfast which he has previously loved, but he didn't eat it, saying he didn't like it and he's never liked it here at our house (which is bollocks - he's had seconds here before). Then DP prepared DSS's "fail-safe" back-up healthy snack, and DSS started asking if the main ingredient was the usual one we buy (it was) because it tasted iffy. He ate one bite and the rest went in the bin.

I've tried reasoning with DSS about it and he just walks off, which I find infuriating. There's so much inconsistency with it, endless drama, waste; it's so limiting, dominating. I feel as though he's leading us a merry dance, and nothing DP or I do to accommodate him is right. I feel I go to a lot of time and effort, and yet DSS is never satisfied and (according to his siblings) just whinges to his mum about me and food here (he gets to have whatever he likes at home, having a separate meal prepared if need be - which we don't agree with). After this morning's antics, I said to DP I've had enough and he can organise meals involving DSS moving forward and handle all the associated dramas, which I want nothing more to do with; food has just never been an issue with my DCs.

Any ideas/advice? DSS is coming less, possibly because of this, and if we take a hard line of you'll eat what's on the menu or nothing, he may well not come at all. Is it worth DP risking not seeing him at all, if it makes him realise this is a power game he can't win? There is no way all the kids could carry on like this - it would be a nightmare - so why should DSS be able to? And how can we handle DSS's fussiness in a way that would seem fair in his siblings' eyes?

Thanks.

This sounds more serious than just fussiness OP , it sounds as if your dss is using food as control , possibly he feels this is the only aspect of his life that he feels he has some control over . I would be very cautious about making too much of an issue with this and perhaps your dp should talk to his ex wife about a referral to CAMHS or at least a GP visit .He definitely sounds like he has anxiety issues and is using food as a focus

Firstly, thanks for your further posts. I've been mulling over your different thoughts and ideas on this, and talking with DP about a way forward.

I'd just like to reiterate that Friday's meal choice was chosen precisely because it's something DSS once said he liked and used to eat. He went home before dinner. Yesterday's breakfast was something he has previously loved. He left it. The back-up meal DP made was DSS's usual fall-back. He had one bite. It's not that we are not offering DSS things he likes, and as I've said previously, there are always at least a couple of elements of a meal he'll eat (or at least which we thought he'd eat/had eaten before). It doesn't make any difference, certainly not lately since he seems to have become fussier. I have frequently chucked out things I've ordered in because he says he likes them, either because he's not stayed here to eat them, or because I get the wrong sort, or he's now gone off them. I think his mum shops in a different supermarket, and it would be inconvenient for us to change shops (I'm all set up online with our usuals) - maybe this has become an issue, as some of you have mentioned subtle brand differences can be a problem? I don't know.

I've talked with DP about the packed lunch idea and he's certain Mum won't make one for DSS - too much of a faff, and I think she quite likes it that DSS has a reason to want to choose to stay with her and reject DP, plus she likes a good drama. So that won't work, nor will getting any other cooperation from her on handling the issue.

Bonsoir, I have to say I can't agree with you that DSCs should be treated differently to one's own children in an area like this. I know I'm not their mum - I don't pretend to be - but we all come to the table together, as a household, and how on earth can you fairly have one set of mealtime rules for one child, and another for the others? If the others can stomach the main but might prefer something else, tough, they have to eat it, while if it's DSS who doesn't like the type of meat today (even though it's what we always get in and he usually eats), well he can of course go and make himself something he fancies ... how on earth can that really work in practice without creating bad feeling among the children?!

I do think DSS genuinely dislikes more foods than average, but there is definitely some attention-seeking/control/power game stuff going on here. He seems so eager to please Mum and has worked out that grumbling about our home/Dad pleases her, so food dramas here at least give him something to grumble about. Yesterday, he will have been able to go home and say he hadn't eaten breakfast - which makes us look awful - never mind that he was offered two options he normally eats, both of which went in the bin! When we've gone to pick him up and he's opted to stay at Mum's, he's sometimes asked DP if he'd like DSS to stay; how much he'd really like it if he did come down to ours - and yet this is said with a playful smile, not anxiety, so he's playing games a bit.

I agree food shouldn't be something over which DSS can control if/when he's coming to Dad's. The problem is that one of my DCs has a very laid back arrangement with his dad. We don't have a court order (unlike DP), and my DC comes and goes fairly freely and it works well for all involved; we have a positive, flexible coparenting arrangement. So if DSS is then told he has to stick to a rigid routine, coming to Dad's even if he doesn't want to, would that be unfair because my DC has more freedom (although mine is older)?

I do find step-parenting very hard at times; as though I spend most of my time being too harsh or a mug and not a lot in between!

I reject the poster's assertion that DSS's fussiness is comparable to having a disability and needing to use a wheelchair. The need for a wheelchair is 100% outside someone's control; a fair amount of DSS's eating issues are within his control, and they're behaviours he's choosing to adopt because of the attention/control he can gain from them. Historically, he's had quite a bit of fuss made on his mum's side over his fussy eating, leading it to become a fairly established habit. I think a wheelchair user would feel offended to have the inevitability of their disability likened to that of a fussy eater TBH.

That said, DP does plan to talk to DSS some more about if he has any underlying worries, and he needs to decide if he wants to put his foot down about DSS deciding if/when he's going to turn up - that's not my call. As a way forward, we're thinking of letting each child choose a meal per fortnight (for the nights they're here), and offering DSS some boring but healthy back-ups that we think he'll eat if the main doesn't appeal, and which he'll have to prepare himself - I thought that was a great idea. No discussions. No dramas. No going hungry.

Thank you all again. I think we at least have an emerging plan.

Just seen further posts ...

• Of course I've asked DSS what he likes! How else do we end up in the situation where the others grumble "Not that again!" and sometimes feel bored with the repetitive meal choices? I have a list of meals the DCs have told me they like, and DSS has yelled "Why are you cooking that when you know I hate it?" enough times for us to know his preferences.

• To the poster whose fussy DD will pick the onions out of the mince, cue hollow laugh: DSS wouldn't, he just wouldn't eat it if it had anything in it he didn't like.

• Thanks to the poster who acknowledged that most mums/step-mums in this situation would try anything and everything - I feel we have.

• I think the idea that this is more about control/anxiety is more on the money. DSS finds it hard to leave Mum where his siblings have no issue with it. He also has some learning issues in school, which might have generated some anxiety over the years; maybe they are in fact linked to sensory issues, as one poster suggested? Worth us considering.

Anyway, we do want to move forward with this in a way that is compassionate towards DSS whilst being fair to the other kids and not mug-inducing to us, and this thread has given us lots of ideas, so thanks.

I think you do understand some of the issues - you've recognised that this is an established habit (partly perhaps due to the way his mum has handled it) and therefore please please therefore see that on the basis of this your DSS really isn't able to "just eat" what you think he should.

You still don't seem to address whether or not he is given any control over his diet. Yes it's all very well you offering him two things he has previously eaten for breakfast but why can't you ask him what he wants for breakfast? In our house (3DC and 2 parents) we generally just have what we like for breakfast and sit down to enjoy it together! (toast, eggs, yoghurt and fruit, pancakes - if someone can be bothered to cook them, cereal, etc). A great meal to take the pressure off. At the weekends it's fairly similar with lunch and the DC make their own packed lunches for school during the week (with guidance and monitoring) so in our house it's only the evening meal that is potentially an issue.

I also don't think you can treat a group of children as homogenous with the same rules outright. Just as your DC can have a flexible arrangement with his father (great!), doesn't mean it will work, or should be allowed, for your DSS. Similarly just because all the other DC can/will eat a range of foods and need to eat their main meal without any trouble doesn't mean that your DSS can and should do the same. Not as extreme as a child in a wheelchair but the point about all children not being treated the same I think is a good one, they aren't all the same and their needs are different. My 3DC are so different and it's a bloody constant juggling act to make sure they are all managed appropriately without upsetting the others but that's life with multiple DC in my view, step or otherwise.

I think your plan (second last paragraph is a good one) and lets him take a certain amount of control. But clearly the dynamic is massive if his eating results in him staying or going - and in my mind that is the issue to address first.

Ps it was me who said that DD picks onions out of the sauce. Bloody hell it has taken me years and years of patience and trying to back off conflict to make this even remotely possible. The many times she has refused to even look at a plate of food with even a speck of onion/mushroom/etc etc on is unreal :) I have lived with and parented her full time for ten years to achieve this point of picking the onions out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't think I take it lightly and please don't think that you would ever be able to achieve the same over four nights out of fourteen over a couple of years without his other (primary) carer being supportive. And in which case don't upset yourself trying, it's really not that important compared to his overall emotional wellbeing - I think your plan to offer him a couple of alternatives (perhaps agreed in advance between him and his dad - not things that "we think he will eat") is a far healthier way to deal with things and avoids escalating the food issue. Like you say the real issue is around leaving his mum and his behaviour around food is just a manifestation of his feelings on this issue.

Mutely77, our house is exactly the same regarding breakfast and lunches - these are usually pretty stress-free. It's when it involves cooking, I think - and yesterday's breakfast was cooked, and DP did ask if DSS wanted some, and he said he did, then he came to the table, looked at it and touched it with a disgusted face, muttered a few complaints and walked off. I don't blame his siblings for raising their eyebrows at this. I think it is unacceptable to say you want something that someone's offered to cook for you and then turn your nose up at it when it's served. But for the most part, breakfasts are cold (or toast), help-yourself affairs, and relatively problem-free. Planning and cooking evening meals takes more time and effort, and these are the bigger sticking points - as in your household.

I agree that on many things we can't and shouldn't treat children the same. With one of the DSCs for example, we're heavy on portion control because of weight issues, and they understand and accept this, as do the others. Accommodating a fussy eater OTOH is IME seen as pandering by the other kids; they end up resenting the fussed-over one and respecting us less. I think variable parenting is necessary with different children in different contexts, but can be complex and contentious, and when it feels like you're rewarding a tantrum, it doesn't sit very well.

I think issues with mum/his other home - a history of special treatment there and a feeling that he's betraying Mum if he actually finds life OK here - is central to this problem, and I don't know what we can do about that. I also find it very frustrating, even when trying to be accommodating, that the things he's always eaten/has asked for as alternatives are now rejected. How do you keep up with that? On a practical level, how do you actually cater?

We'll chat to DSS, get some back-ups in of his choosing and which the others wouldn't favour over their main meal, and let him choose some meals, and that is about the best we can do I think. As well as DP talking to him about any possible underlying issues. Problems that stem from his other home/relationships are not things we can address at a causal level, and unfortunately, there'll be no getting Mum onside.

Thanks.

9 is too young to be deciding if he comes or not regardless of the arrangements for your older kids with their father.
My dss said he didn't want to come one week there was something better going on that he prefer. Dh insisted that he come and luckily his mother agreed.
If contact is court ordered I guess there has been some animosity and kids feeling torn correct me if I'm wrong on that.

Hi littleshorty. Yes, there has been some animosity. DP and his ex parallel-parent rather than co-parent. There isn't really an alternative, because reasonable interactions and cooperation require two reasonable, invested parents. DP gets shouted at, controlled, dictated to if he attempts to engage, so he doesn't anymore if he can help it. I think DSS does feel particularly torn, with a strong allegiance to Mum which she's encouraged. His siblings don't seem so divided (and to a degree see Mum more for who she really is). If DSS's food issues are indeed wrapped up in his relationship with
Mum, I don't think we can do much about them; just accommodate as we're planning to (without alienating the others or making it an issue).

Imo the only way of dealing with it on a practical level is involving him. You've really got to stop seeing it as pandering to him and disadvantaging the other children. It's about making sure everyone understands making healthy choices and if he isn't making healthy choices for a while that's fine in the context of other issues. If the others would all prefer something else that he wouldn't be allowed (what?) can't you consider giving them that on the one weekly night he's there, leaving you then only the every other weekend to worry about?

Tbh you do come across as quite inflexible on some things. I agree his behaviour re breakfast was rude but that's fine. Accept it's rude and instigate a sanction then move on. You can't change the way he behaves overnight and given its not him just being rude (he's trying to exert control due to deeper seated issues) accept it and ignore it.

So to start with, DSS is picky as you've said that he is at home too. Then add to this that there are control issues that might mean that he makes even more a fuss when with you, and then you fall into the trap of making it a power struggle hence things only getting worse.

What I don't understand is that you say that you will cook things that he liked (or used to) or give him two choices. How about fully involving him in the whole food thing? Sitting down all the kids and agreeing menus, going shopping together etc... The more involve he is going to be, the less it will become a control issue.

Ha, ha, involving him and go shopping with him. We tried today, first dss wanted to stay in the car (and piss about on his phone no doubt), then dp decided he wants a roast, dss says he'll be sick on the table if we give him roast, dp asks what he wants - lasagne apparently. Fine, so dp says he can make it. No, he doesn't want to do that (plus I know from experience if we make something like this he will eat one bite then refuse to eat any more cos it doesn't taste like his mum's). So dp got the hump and went out to the car. I wasn't going to decide what to have, so I paid for the few things in the basket and went back to the car with dss (who dp left with me ) dp drove home, dss and I came in, dp went back to the shop, I went out with the dogs, when I got back dp was putting pork in the oven. God knows what's going to happen later.

We'll blow me down...but for once I agree with bonsoir

I'm not getting involved in the eat-it-or-go-hungry debate because it is contentious on all the MN boards, but I'm totally confused by your post.

How can your 9 year old DSS leave your home and return to his mum and then back to you the next day, unless one, or both, or his parents facilitate that? And why are they doing so?

I'd be FURIOUS if my DDs dad decided that DD could leave his house during scheduled contact and come to mine overnight, only to return the next morning; i certainly wouldn't accommodate it over a meal.
If, and I mean a big if my DD was so distressed that I felt it was best for her to come back to mine rather than allow her dad to sort out whatever the issue was as primary parent at the time, there's no way I'd be allowing her back to his immediately the next day. I'd be doing everything I could to get to the bottom of whatever it was that was bothering her - including, if necessary, individual counselling or family therapy to address the problem.

Your DSS mum obviously has a lot more tolerance than I do - your DP is an equal parent, and shouldn't be relying on his ex to do all the difficult bits of parenting.