Advice please on DSC's fussy eating - feel like I'm going to lose the plot

[Bluster]

One of my DSCs is very fussy. His siblings will give most things a go, as will my DCs, but it's beginning to feel like DSS's fussiness is taking over mealtimes and sometimes the whole household mood.

I plan the meals, do the grocery shop, and most of the cooking for our big household. It's not DP's thing (and he does other stuff).

Although we say to all the kids that it's normal to have a few things you don't especially like, there are only about four pretty traditional/safe main meals DSS will (sometimes) eat. (He's nine, BTW.) When he's due to be with us (EOW and one night a week), I have tried to plan the meals around his likes within reason - although I don't want to limit the others kids' diets and adventurousness with food, nor prepare more than one meal, so this can be tricky. But I try to be accommodating without pandering; there are always at least a few elements to a meal that he'll eat (in theory).

In recent months, he's been asking what's for lunch/dinner every time he comes, and then often doesn't stay and goes back home to Mum - even when we're going to be eating something he's previously liked. Last night, I planned a meal we only started putting on the menu because DSS liked and suggested it - and he still didn't stay.

He came back this morning and we cooked something for breakfast which he has previously loved, but he didn't eat it, saying he didn't like it and he's never liked it here at our house (which is bollocks - he's had seconds here before). Then DP prepared DSS's "fail-safe" back-up healthy snack, and DSS started asking if the main ingredient was the usual one we buy (it was) because it tasted iffy. He ate one bite and the rest went in the bin.

I've tried reasoning with DSS about it and he just walks off, which I find infuriating. There's so much inconsistency with it, endless drama, waste; it's so limiting, dominating. I feel as though he's leading us a merry dance, and nothing DP or I do to accommodate him is right. I feel I go to a lot of time and effort, and yet DSS is never satisfied and (according to his siblings) just whinges to his mum about me and food here (he gets to have whatever he likes at home, having a separate meal prepared if need be - which we don't agree with). After this morning's antics, I said to DP I've had enough and he can organise meals involving DSS moving forward and handle all the associated dramas, which I want nothing more to do with; food has just never been an issue with my DCs.

Any ideas/advice? DSS is coming less, possibly because of this, and if we take a hard line of you'll eat what's on the menu or nothing, he may well not come at all. Is it worth DP risking not seeing him at all, if it makes him realise this is a power game he can't win? There is no way all the kids could carry on like this - it would be a nightmare - so why should DSS be able to? And how can we handle DSS's fussiness in a way that would seem fair in his siblings' eyes?

Thanks.

Bluster, some kids really do have serious anxieties linked to food. It makes no sense to everyone else, it looks like it is just attention seeking/tantrum, but often is something close to a phobia. My sister was like this and it was a nightmare. Every meal was tense as she would stare at her watching every morcel she put in her mouth until it degenerated in a fight. It went on for years, it never got better, but it seriously affected their relationship.

My SM said that she was really concerned about her weight as indeed, she was quite small but she was healthly. She has grown into an slim but perfectly healthy adult. She still has odd eating habits, but we now laugh about it. She does remember the family meals as traumatic.

DD also went through a stage of being very picky and this created problems at nursery and school. She was the most amicable child, always wanting to please, always doing what she was told...until it came to forcing her to eat something. She would rather throw up than eat the offending piece of food. She is now a teenager who will eat just about everything but fish and is a perfect weight but she still has odd behaviour around only eating specific brands because the others taste discusting, the main one being butter. She could tell if I cooked a cake with a different brand than the one I normally buy!

I think that him feeling at ease at home is more important than making him eat like everyone else. However, he needs to appreciate that this comes with more efforts and therefore he needs to take responsibility for some of the preparation of the food. I would get him to plan his meals and help with cooking. What he can prepare alone, I would expect him to do.

All behaviour is communication. This child is anxious about something more than food. He doesn't even really know himself what that is, so investigate.

I will probably get flamed but here goes

We had the very same issue with dss and the ill feeling created for dsd that her brother was getting all the attention and that led to her wetting herself and messing herself a lot.

I refused to allow dss to be in charge so like the poster above he gets 2 choices eat what is out in front of him or starve. The only time there is a backup choice is if it is something they have never had before.

No way should he be deciding to go back to mums when he wants. Too much control for a 9yo kids need boundaries to feel safe at that age.
My ds is a very fussy eater and every meal was stressful and a battleground. Now I just give him what he wants or make things with an element he will eat. I was a very fussy child and went on to have eating disorders so I'm very wary of creating the same issues in ds.
Just step back give him something he likes and then don't talk about it he eats it or doesn't but there's nothing else and he doesn't get to run away to mums.

Wheresthelight glad you're not my parent then because I'd have starved right in front of your eyes while you just say there and did nothing

My dss is 14 and if I ask him to help with cooking he says no and that he's happy not to eat. He will heat up a part baked baguette and just eat that.

He's been like this since he was 9 (when I met him) so it doesn't really get better.

I think minimal fuss is best. I agree some people can have phobias but that is really rare. dss does not have phobias because he can est normally when we go out (to friend's that he wants to see). It's all attention seeking at home. Obviously attention seeking is indicative of a problem but it's impossible to know what it is.

And the point of your post is what lashes?

I cook what I know he likes but he still refuses to eat just because he is in the mood to play up. Pandering to it isn't going to help and neither is a row about it. He knows the rules. He eats or he goes without until the next meal time.

We had fights and temper tantrums for a couple of weeks and funnily enough nothing for years. It hasn't harmed him and neither dos it harm me. Giving kids all the power is what causes so many issues in blended families.

That I think you're being very harsh. I don't know why so many people get wound up over food.

I get wanting to avoid an argument but letting a child go hungry is really mean

If he was hungry he would eat. He makes the decision.

It's not mean at all

I think you're right to put the food thing back on his DF, as it's obviously causing you a lot of stress and extra work.

What's really sad is that DSS is being allowed to use this as a method to dictate whether he visits or stays with his DF or not. I guess you and your DH need to decide what's more important - getting him to eat what you feel he should be eating, or having him spend time with his DF. I think I know which one I'd opt for.

I'd try to take the focus right off food. Either get the DM to pack a pack dinner for him, or offer him dinner and if he doesn't like it to have a piece of toast instead.

DS is fussy, although getting marginally better. I've found that there is no point in discussing it - basically he finds the look and texture of some things yucky. Far better just to present it on his plate and he can eat it or not.

It is very wearing, having a fussy eater, but in most other respects he is fab - well behaved at school, good sleeper etc. etc., so I just think that's his area of playing up.

And we do adjust to his lack of taste as well. I almost never cook fish now, we rarely have any type of stew (won't eat things all mixed together), never serve anything and salad, don't do boiled potatoes.

My bloody diet is suffering due to him, exacerbated by the fact he is staying with us loads more at the moment as he can't get on with his sd.

Luckily I live away some of the week so can eat what I prefer then.

Oh, if I serve things we like he says "why can't we just eat normal food". He means pot noodles.

Wheresthelight maybe yours would, plenty of kids don't

Its important to stop pandering and making food an issue - i like the idea of a packed lunch from home and no chance of going home.

But is mum sabotaging this by telling him he can come home if he has no food? One would hope that you can get mum on side to say she will be away for the weekend, so he wont be able to come home.

Then get him sat up with everyone else, when he refuses, tell him he has his packed lunch if he wants to eat that, and let him get on with it. He can have the meal, the pudding etc when everyone else eats, if he doesnt eat - ok then. No comment other than a light and breezy "ok". ANd then have a normal family chat at the table, talk about what everyones been up to, ask him questions etc - make meals more about social eating than a battleground.

Also, no snacks between meals other than fruit. No biscuits and ice creams etc. Only water. Make it a rule for all the kids.

Id also put all food in serving bowls on the table and have the kids help themselves, with the rule that if they put it on their plate they need to eat it. Give him some control without all the positive attention for not eating.

Bloody hell, no wonder stepmothers get a bad name

Bonsoir plenty of mothers are saying they have the same eat it or starve rule so why single out step mothers

Equally lashes there were serval posts before mine advocating exactly the same thing. Is there a particular reason why you are picking on mine?

Stepmothers are not mothers and cannot and should not treat their SDC as they would their own DC - adjustments and consideration are necessary.

But I wouldn't treat any DC according to some of the cruel "advice" meted out on this thread. Nor any adult or animal, for that matter.

So they should be treated as some higher being at the detriment of other kids in the house who abide by the rules?

Ffs some people need to get a grip

Food is a basic right. The idea if having rules and punishments around mealtimes is an alien concept to me, and letting a child go hungry because of issues with food anxiety is cruel. I agree with Bonsoir.

No one is advocating serving up fillet mignon and beluga caviar when the stepDCs are around ( to be honest they probably wouldn't eat it anyway).

All that is being suggested is that if the DC does not like, or claims not to like the food on offer, they can make themselves a slice of toast as an alternative.

My cousin is a DSM to 4, the youngest two were very fussy eaters. She hated this as has a very healthy diet herself, but eventually after getting worked up at them refusing her meals, she just bought in bulk packs of fish fingers for when they stayed.

I think you are being quite unkind. It is so hard to understand a fussy ester if your own dc are not. It is also blatantly obvious from the outside that he is using this as a way of getting some control of his life. To keep insisting on things and fighting is really not the right approach. Also allowing him to go back to his mums at age 9 is not sensible imo. Especially as he is let go if he doesn't eat what you want him to, totally sending the message that he's not wanted. In his nine year old logic if you wanted him there you would let him eat what he likes.

Make meals that everyone is happy with in rotation, so maybe his choice once per week. Not just something you think he likes but ask him what he wants on Friday (for example) a few days in advance. When he doesn't like what's on offer he eats what he can, perhaps plain rice, or makes some toast. No fuss.

My dd is fussy and uses food to control when she is feeling stressed. She often refuses something she has liked the week before! We just have to work with her as much as possible which includes giving her input ( but not control) into meal planning and making sure she knows what the meal plan is, even if she doesn't like things it helps to know what's coming. By taking this approach we are now able to eat a good variety. I have to grit my teeth when she picks out all of the onion from a sauce and just accept we are in a good place that she will even touch it (and eat everything else on the plate!)

I would also add that as a sm I do not decide on my own what happens. dp and I discuss it and decide what to do, so by castigating sm you are also doing the same to the child's father.

It's all very well saying involve them in meal planning, have a rotation of what everyone likes, when it's not their day they just eat what they can etc.....I doubt any of us are so bloody dim as to have not tried all that.

If I ask dss what he wants for dinner he'll say "nothing" (btw, he doesn't eat toast. Or fish fingers. Or chips.) or "can we go ChimmyChangas" whatever the fuck that is. He is told very often that we are not made of money and no, we can't go out to eat all the time.

Is this unfair, should we "go ChimmyChangas" evey day because it's the only thing he will tolerate? Oh, he does also claim to like Wagamanas, the nearest being fifty miles away, but when there he will only eat chicken katsu and then he scrapes the sauce off, eats the chicken and not the rice or salad that comes with it, so we refuse to spend the money on it even when we do go out.

He will eat KFC. And of course, sometimes he gets what he likes, but we can't do that every day as there would be too much detriment to the rest of us. Kids, like everyone, have to learn to fit in and cope

Does he have any other quirks? Dd is very ... discerning when it comes to food. She has a constellation of other issues, none of them in isolation seem significant, but together add up to a sensory processing issue. She is photophobic, will only wear certain clothes, will gag with some smells, finds noise very disruptive and will not eat certain foods.

I generally try to make sure that there are some parts of the meal that she will eat or if it is curry then she has pot noodle. We have more of an issue away from home as the foods she dislikes the most are typical child meals - pizza, nuggets, chips etc. Plus many of her friends will only eat those meals. We try not to make an issue of it as it just makes her anxiety worse. If I accidentally serve a forbidden food then we don't make a fuss - she can get herself some toast or fruit or occasionally she will try a little of whatever is on offer. Inwardly I cheer but outwardly we just have a simple 'well done for trying something new'.

I am far more rigid with food for my ds than i ever was with my 2 dsds. They ate crap at home - processed shit and tins - and ate absolutely no fruit or veg. And i mean none. Dsd1 also didn't like sauces, so pasta was off the menu too. After a few miserable mealtimes trying to get them to eat a nice family roast ("I don't like roast potatoes, only instant mash", "I don't like the instant mash it's too lumpy" etc) we realised it was fruitless as we couldn't undo what was being done at home and at home they ate crap. It was also quite early in our new relationships and we were fairly sure that although they were definitely fussy it was also a control issue and they were expressing their feelings, both at ours and at home, in the only way they knew. So we just gave in a fed them the rubbish they wanted. Mealtimes were infinitely happier, relationships improved. We wanted their time with us to be happy. Dsd2 is now 15 and will eat pretty much anything you put in front of her. Dsd1 is apparently better but still fussy (we don't see her now though). Ds (4.5yo) is definitely not fussy and never jas been. He gets a choice of two meals. If he doesn't eat he doesn't get an alternative and there's no pudding. We just assume he's not hungry. No fuss, but no negotiating either.

With stepchildren i just think this is a battle you shouldn't have as your time with them is too precious to make miserable.

I understand though OP and it's not always practical or possible to give them what they want. We found meals out with dh's family and summer barbecues and picnics with my family very stressful and embarrassing indeed.

Does he say exactly what he will eat? If there is something simple and easy to make then I would try and do that for him, but it sounds like he won't, or can't, communicate what he will eat - therefore using food (even if subconcsiously) as a way of expressing how unhappy he is.