bedroom size argument

[TiredofCompromise]

I am so fed up of all this crap. DH and I have been looking for a new house for 6 months that we can afford and is big enough for us. Well, yesterday we found it and loved it. But....today I made some innocent comment about bedroom allocation for the children. We have 3 together and he has a son from previous relationship. His sone doesnt live with us and stays every other weekend (which I just about tolerate btw).

Anyway, silly me assumed that we would allocate bedroom sizes in order of age of OUR children and that his son would have the box room for eow. DH seemsto think we should do it with his son getting the biggest and so on.

well,I'm really pissed yet again with this. What 10 year old needs a huge double bedroom that he stays on twice a month? He only has a box full of toys and flaming pyjamas here anyway. Total waste od space. I tried to compromise with DH and said well, that bedroom would be the 'spare room' and decorated accordingly but not good enough either.

I'm so sick of my kids getting the raw end of the deal when they are the ones with us full time. They've been sharing a room btw while lord and master gets a room to himself thats empty 90% of the time.

DH and I have reached a stale mate and I've refused to put in offer on perfect house until its resolved (ie....DH agrees with me).

How do others resolve these issues?

I don't know what to say. I agree with the logic of someone who is there less often having the smallest room. Plus if he is anything like my dsc, he probably spends minimal time in his room when he is with you - am I right? I guess dh is just feeling a bit sensitive about being perceived to discriminate against your dss.

How about suggesting you give dss the choice of the small room or sharing the largest room with one of your dc? He will probably opt for the smallest room - at least this is what happened when my dss was given the choice of sharing with his sister in a larger room or having our box room all to himself... But then, my dh wouldn't fail to see the illogic of having the largest room occupied only once a week!

And I guess you could compromise by saying that the box room would be decorated as dss' bedroom and used occasionally as a spare room - different emphasis. I do think it's important for a child approaching adolescence to have their OWN space in a house...

Um, this argument doesn't sound like it's about the bedroom size, it sounds like it's about your DH's attempt to over-compensate to his son about your vile attitude to your step-son.

You "just about tolerate" a ten year old in your home? If someone "just about tolerated" my children, they'd very soon not be part of my life.

I don't know if your post is a joke, but tbh you sound like such a stereotype of a wicked stepmother, that I can't help wondering if this is a wind-up.

well yes....I do just about tolerate him and as a parent myself I know better than to assume just because I think my kids are the bees knees, doesn't mean everyone else will.

mumpbump....yes he hardly spends anytime in his room anyway. Just trails round after his dad and winds my children up.

The box room as I call it is far from tiny. There's plenty of room for single bed and a wardrobe/ dresser. Was fully intending on him and my DH decorating it anyway he wants.

I agree that wherever possible, all the kids in a family should have equal size rooms, loads of space etc even if some of those rooms are used sporadically.

However, being realistic, how many of us stepfamilies can usually afford to buy a large house with umpteen large bedrooms ?

Unfortunately, someone will get the smallest room and it makes sense to me that it should be the child(ren) whose room is used the least. Of course it should be decorated to reflect the child concerned, and of course they should have space for toys but your DH needs to remember his other children too .....

.... believe me, they will soon notice if their brother gets the biggest room and will put 2 and 2 together noting that the room is hardly ever used. Why should they feel 2nd best when they are at home all the time ?

SS will of course have his own room - I presume - at his mother's house where he lives most of the time ? I think that there shouldn't be a big deal made of SS's room size (because it's a practical solution) but ensure he's included in choosing wallpaper, bedding etc to make it feel like his.

To be fair, we don't know ToC's background and regrettably, though we'd wave a magic wand if we could and make it different, some stepchildren do have pretty intolerable traits which make their visits very stressful. Admittedly, in my own case, this is largely due to the spite and bitterness of DP's ex who uses their children as weapons, resulting in bad behaviour, but it doesn't alter the simple fact that the child before you is difficult to deal with and that visits are a strain for many reasons ..... something my own DP readily admits (and is sad and frustrated by).

I do see where ToC is coming from with her "just because I think my kids are the bees knees, doesn't mean everyone else will", because I feel the same. I love my kids but I'm aware that other people may not feel the same because they are individual personalities who may not appeal to everyone else. It may be a controversial thing to say but logistics dictate that as an adult you will not necessarily hit it off with every child you come across - skids included. As a stepmum you may make a huge effort - as you should - to involve your skids in all aspects of your family, but "love" and "liking" are not switches which can be flicked on and off at will. Why does it always cause so much controversy whenever anyone indicates, directly or indirectly that they find their skids hard to like ? .......... the women who say this have often spent years bending over backwards to get to know these children and form a close bond, but if the chemistry's not there at the end of the day, it'll never happen ..... in the same way that as adults, we are not expected to hit it off with every other adult we meet - relatives included.

I'm not only a stepmum but my oldest son is also a stepchild himself. I have never expected my ex's new wife to be his best friend and I honestly don't know what her feelings for my son are. I get the impression from my son that they rub along but aren't close - and that's fine by me, so long as she is kind to my son, that's all I ask. BTW, when my son goes to his dad's, he sleeps on a futon in their study whilst his 2 further children have their own rooms. I have no problem with this and neither does my son - he doesn't feel pushed out, he simply recognises the logistics of the situation.

ToC, I do sympathise with you. We pushed ourselves right up to the max, far beyond what was sensible really, to afford the house we're in so the skids could have their own room. It is used only EOW at best (DP would like to see them more, but 1 has been alienated by his mother - and yes, the background and what's been said/done/written etc does indicate very very strongly that this is what has happened - and contact with the other child is regulary disrupted/obstructed at the very last moment. So, we have an empty room 90% of the time which doesn't even make it's keep as a spare room as we hardly ever have anyone to stay. We're paying £2-300 a month extra for this bedroom and are right up against the wall. Any out of the ordinary expense and we get further into debt.

To my mind, we should have bought a smaller house and had the skids stay in the dining room on futons. I know that's not ideal but neither is taking out a huge mortgage you can't really afford. I felt pushed into this purchase because of DP's feelings - understandable, but unrealistic in the circumstances - that his kids should have a room to themselves. As a side effect of this house being bought so the skids could have their room - sporadically - my son must now do a 30 mile round trip to school every day.

I appreciate that many men feel "guilt" (particularly if there is a bitter ex in the equation ready to jump upon and stir with any "proof" that the skids are being penalised) but equally, post-divorce, there is only so much - practically and financially - you can do. If we were able to afford a huge house with a room each for the skids, then I obviously wouldn't say no ..... but you have to be realistic.

In the same way I question whether it's "fair" (I know it's a grey area) that we are going into debt and my son spends 3 hours travelling to school EVERY day, so the skids can have a room around 40 nights a year, your DH ToC should face up to the fact of whether it's "fair" that your (yours and his) children should only have limited space available to them EVERY day, so his son can have much more space EOW.

I appreciate he wants to do the best for his son but what about his other kids too ?

(Sorry to have ranted on on your thread BTW).

Hi TOC,

its always difficult isnt it? Whenever theres a situation involving stepchildren, people always doubt your motives.

I agree with you 100% and wouldnt back down. And I dont think it matters if we're taking about your own children or step children. Saving the largest room for someone who will only use it once a fortnight, whether that person is a sc or child home from uni for example is not fair. Why should regular users of the house have less room on a day to day basis? Its just silly.

I have 2sc and 1 child myself, and we have one on the way. We only have a 2 bed, one of which is a box room, that has a built in cabin bed and absoulutely no room for a spare bed. I ahev had a similar dilema as to where to put the children myself.

At the end of the day this is the way I see it.... Our daughter lives in our house ,my 2 sc live with their mother in their house, and come to stay with us every other weeked. When deorating rooms, buying beds etc, we decide what is best for meeting our daughters needs, and then we fit the sc around that. Does this sound cruel?

My sc are 11 and 8 and I love them very much. But they have their house, where they get to have a bedroom each , decorate it the way they want it so my dd can have the same in her house. My ss sleeps in the small room and sd sleeps on a campbed in dd room. They dont feel pushed out, they feel completely at home here,coming and going as they like but realise that this is dd's house and theirs is with their mum.

Stick to your guns. You are not being unreasonable - he is. And if you have any ideas where I willl slepp baby no.2....

catsmother, all that is fair enough and very reasonable, but as a stepmother, barely tolerating your step child is falling well below a civilised standard of behaviour - like you say, kindness is the least one would hope for, for one's child. Tiredofcompromise's posts give no hint of any kindness.

Apart from anything else, it is extraordinarily unkind to her DH, not to seek to do a wee bit more than barely tolerate his child. Expecting a stepmother to show some kindness to her stepson, isn?t the same as expecting her to love him, think he?s the ?bees knees? or even like him. He?s ten, FGS. Whatever the history, ToC?s tone is really unpleasant. And I suspect that?s what?s behind her DH?s irrationality about this. It?s never just about the logistics, is it?

Caligula I do agree theres more to it, bu tthats not necesserily tOc's fault.

'Im so sick of my kids gettin ghte raw end of the deal when they are the ones with us full time' certainly sounds like there is a bit of history there. But we dony know the full story

Ah, there's always a bit of history there, Swift!

Oh yeah, there's a whole lot of history here! Have known him since he was a year old and tbh has always been a rather unpleasant child. I have ALWAYS been kind and treated him with respect though.

DH married me knowing how I feel so can't say he's harbouring resentment over how I feel and tbh DH is pretty fed up of him most the time too.

There are a whole lot of resentment issues that have built up though.....the fact DH pays and extraodinary amount of maintenance to BM which leaves me almost entirely responsible for our living expenses, mortgage and paying for our 3 children together. Hence our children often miss out on things like foreign holidays (which wecould afford if not for the maintenance), etc

BTW I'm funding the new venture into a new house if it ever happens.

Meanwhile we are lumbered with ss while bm goes abroad 3-4 times a year (never takes him).

This is all very well and obviously not ss fault but it grates me enourmously. SS has 2 other bedrooms as well. One at bm's and one at her bf's. He has developed a very spoilt attitude.

The issue that has made it very hard to like him is his cruelty to my children. My eldest actually cries when its his weekend to be here. He's a spiteful, aggressive little brat. Our baby is 6 months old and I do not trust him for a second with her. When dd2 was a year old he pulled her off the sofa by her hair and across the room. My eldest has been bit, had fingers slammed in doors, slapped around the face .

So yeah don't judge me.....he's lucky he's still allowed in my home at all never mind having a bedroom.

Oh yeah, there's a whole lot of history here! Have known him since he was a year old and tbh has always been a rather unpleasant child. I have ALWAYS been kind and treated him with respect though.

DH married me knowing how I feel so can't say he's harbouring resentment over how I feel and tbh DH is pretty fed up of him most the time too.

There are a whole lot of resentment issues that have built up though.....the fact DH pays and extraodinary amount of maintenance to BM which leaves me almost entirely responsible for our living expenses, mortgage and paying for our 3 children together. Hence our children often miss out on things like foreign holidays (which wecould afford if not for the maintenance), etc

BTW I'm funding the new venture into a new house if it ever happens.

Meanwhile we are lumbered with ss while bm goes abroad 3-4 times a year (never takes him).

This is all very well and obviously not ss fault but it grates me enourmously. SS has 2 other bedrooms as well. One at bm's and one at her bf's. He has developed a very spoilt attitude.

The issue that has made it very hard to like him is his cruelty to my children. My eldest actually cries when its his weekend to be here. He's a spiteful, aggressive little brat. Our baby is 6 months old and I do not trust him for a second with her. When dd2 was a year old he pulled her off the sofa by her hair and across the room. My eldest has been bit, had fingers slammed in doors, slapped around the face .

So yeah don't judge me.....he's lucky he's still allowed in my home at all never mind having a bedroom.

I suppose until ToC elaborates, we don't know what might have led her to say such a thing.

If though, one child is being favoured above the others - who happens to be the skid in this case - and, say, Mr ToC condones this and refuses to address the balance, then I can understand why she might have said what she did in the heat of the moment ..... though arguably perhaps her beef should be with Mr ToC rather than the child if he (Mr) is showing favouritism.

However, though I wouldn't go so far as to claim "bare toleration" myself, I do know other stepmothers who have had to put up with (tolerate?) the most appalling and anti-social behaviour from their stepchildren, even taking into account the "you are an adult and they are a child" theory. Doubtless these children are disturbed and for that most compassionate adults would have sympathy, but feeling sorry for a child doesn't mean it's any easier to tolerate feeling frightened (yes, some women I know are frightened of their skids) in your own home, or to find having your own belongings destroyed on a regular basis etc.

Obviously, I don't know if any of that sort of thing applies to ToC, but I do understand how it's sometimes possible to talk about having to tolerate a child because I've heard about some terribly difficult scenarios from women I know, who are at their wits' end, despite having had the patience of a saint and doing everything they possibly can to welcome a stepchild into the (new) family.

X post with yours ToC.

ToC ..... what is your DH doing about this bullying ?

It's not unusual for older children to feel resentful/jealous of subsequent siblings - especially if, as they see it - daddy gets to live with them "all the time".

However, extreme violence absolutely isn't on and I wouldn't "tolerate" that either.

My DH tries his best.....he's sent to his room, not allowed to play on playstation, early bedtime etc but it doesn't have any effect. I've given up trying to discipline him.....just keeo myself and our children out of his way.

My eldest is only just turned 5 so there's a 5 year age dif between them and he's so aggressive with her. He's like it at school now as well. Always being suspended for bullying, hitting, kicking others.

He was kicked out of his pre-school at 3 after 6 months of tantrums and aggressive behaviour. The other parents practically had a petition going to get him out and he finally whacked one of the teachers there with a toy car ad cut her face so badly she needed stitches.

He's the same at BM's....shes a bit dappy but not to bad and can't blame her for trying to get him over here more. I know her bf from school and he told me he's about ready to separate from bm because of him.

DH has tried to get BM to take him to counselling but she won't.

I really hate the whole wicked stepmother brigade.....'he's only a child' well boo hoo - my kids are only children as well and can't sleep at night when he's here as he's been into their room at night before to pull them out of bed and scared them.

I'm glad he's only a child because the way he's going he'll be a pretty nasty adult.

DH seems to think giving him the larger room may make him feel less resentment towards our children (ss is very much into 'possessions') He's also cross with me because I finished the Christmas shopping and didn't buy ss anything. In fact spent the £100 we normally spend on him between my children (all out of my pocket btw). Vowed I will never buy him a thing again after he called me a c* last boxing day in front of my inlaws. My crime?? Buying the wrong game for his playstation (could have easlir swopped if he'd asked).

I just feel for my lo's........if it was a violent husband I'd be out of there. What do you do when its your ss????

Why can't DH take him to counselling ? He is his parent too. Or at least, assuming BM won't, why doesn't DH arrange an appointment with the school and ask for their help in referring him to a child psychologist ? If you say it's going on there too, it will be in their interests I would have thought, to try and work out what's causing this extremely unpleasant behaviour and what steps might be taken to alleviate it.

Excuse me for being frank but your DH suggesting that SS gets the biggest room sends a message to SS that despite his awful behaviour, he gets rewarded. A 10 year old is NOT going to miss the fact that his room is the biggest, he knows that he's there far less often (obviously) than the others, and, if he's inclined to bullying anyway, will probably crow about it, causing resentment in the other children. At 10 he is old enough to be sat down and have it explained to him that you make the best use of the available space.

I don't blame you for not wanting - out of your pocket to buy SS a gift if it gets thrown back in your face, with bells on by the sounds of it. That's an appallingly spoilt and insolent thing to say to an adult. I'm afraid that if that had happened to me, I too would be of the opinion that my DP could get such a child presents himself.

Do try and get DH to be more pro-active about seeking some sort of professional help for SS instead of relying upon whether or not BM wants to co-operate. It sounds long overdue. Why doesn't BM want to sort this all out ?

Logically the smallest room should be for the one who's there least. Otherwise why doesn't everyone stay in their spare rooms & leave the master bedroom for guests?

If all there the same amount they could draw straws or something. In our uni house 2 of us wanted the front room which was the largest so we picked numbers & then the one closest to the lottery bonus ball won the room.

catsmother, DH was never married to BM so doesn't have parental responsiblity and as such cannot get referrals to see any professionals without going through BM. Unfortunattly we can't afford to do it privately.

DH is always at the school discussing things but they see him more as a trouble maker than a disturbed child. BM is fed up of the behaviour but seems to think its normal for his age and he'll grow out of it.

Just feel really tired of it all now. Wish DH would give up the idea of this happy family. If ss is involved its just not going to work. We have a lovely home life when he's not here and in fact no one even mentions ss's name....even DH.

In my ideal world he'd just stop coming to our house and my children and I wouldn't have to deal with his crap. DH could just take him to his mums once a week or something instead. So, you see him having the smallest room and staying is already my compromise!

we have just bought a new house to accommodate all children - 1ss, 1sd and 1son. i think it is completely reasonable and logical that the child who is there least should have the smallest room.

ToC i would also be at stale mate if presented with such a situation and i agree that their seems to be major compensation going on. As a step-parent and step-child i would urge your partner not to go down this road - children are perceptive and can quickly grasp when a situation looks odd or forced.

Catsmother - wow! what a refresing and insightful passage to read, my dh and i have been having more problems re: family dynamics recently and i let him read it which was helpful.

I am similar to your son when i stayed with my dad (gosh many moons ago) i just slept anywhere really - that never mattered and is not a memory i have instead i take with me the relaxed and confident approach my parents took to their separated situation - the fact that they were confident and capable freed me from worrying about where i slept, who had most and the fact that it didn't mean anything anyway.

Good luck Toc, although possibly contraversial - your tone and obvious frustration and resentment is something i am also familiar with - tis tough i know.

Anniemac (sorry to hijack the thread briefly) - are you up for a pre-Xmas get together?? Trying to resurrect an earlier thread...

I really hate it when you're automatically labelled as the wicked stepmother just because you don't adore your skid. I "barely tolerate" mine at times and he doesnt have behavioural problems and is nothing like ToC's SS. I think she's a saint, there's no way I'd allow a child like that into my home, let alone set aside a bedroom for him.

Anyway I'm with ToC all the way, she's absolutely right with regard to bedroom situation and it should be that way even if her SS were a little angel. My SS shares a room with his sister (our DD) when he's here and he's OK with that. There was never really any choice as it never crossed my or DP's mind that I take on an even heftier mortgage just so SS would have his own space twice a month (I too am totally funding our house but that's another story).
My DP is also one who doesn't take things on board and gets uptight when I dare mention something about SS, but given the situation he didn't even think of expecting an extra bedroom. In fact, he found this house so it wasn't like I forced anything on him.

I was also a stepchild and never had a problem with a sleeping bag on the floor when I went to stay at my Dad's. Never did me any harm, in fact I used to find it fun.

BTW Catsmother, brilliant post.

Er, I don't think you get labelled a wicked stepmother for not liking your skids, miao. I think you get labelled one for sounding like one. And sorry, but in her OP, I honestly thought ToC might be a wind up because her hostility to her SS was so extreme. She's given a bit more detail in her subsequent posts, as to why that is.