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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Lies

13 replies

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 20/06/2015 15:18

One of the kids has broken something. That's ok, not a big deal and it a safety mechanism that is designed to break if too much pressure is applied. Again, not a problem, but do you think either of them will admit it? Even after telling them it's ok and its better to tell the truth? No they won't. And at 9 & 14 they should know better.

DH said he won't punish them (I was thinking a few chores/bed early) but he doesn't want to ruin the weekend.....what does that teach them?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 20/06/2015 15:30

You sound a bit uptight, what is it they've broken?

Original poster

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 20/06/2015 15:42

It's not what's broken that's the problem, it's that after seeing their dad telling them that honesty is the most important thing to him and it really doesn't matter about the breakage they still didn't own up and he got told to shut up.

I don't agree with ignoring it but what can I do. I just feel disappointed in them all tbh

OP posts:

Busybuzzybumblebee · 20/06/2015 16:15

Punish them both until one owns up, that's what my parents did with the three of us. Explain its for the lying not lying not the breakage and talk to them again tomorrow

Busybuzzybumblebee · 20/06/2015 16:15

For the lying not breakage

Wdigin2this · 20/06/2015 20:46

That's the problem isn't it....Dad only has the DC at weekends/EOW and he wants everything to be perfect, so they never get told off or punished for anything, in case they get upset and don't want to come back! And we all know what that's that a recipe for! If their at the stage of telling their DF to 'shut up' you've got real trouble, and you need to both work to sort this out before it escalates!

Savethesm · 21/06/2015 08:15

Wdigin that's spot on. These dads are terrified of spoiling Disney weekend and scaring the kids away.

What I will say though is my dds dad has always, always disciplined her and given consequences for bad behaviour when she's there and she still adores him and would never vote with her feet. But I think he is empowered to do that because I back him up and we don't play her off against each other.

What is your husbands ex like? My dhs ex literally revelled is this kind of thing as it was the best opportunity for "oh your dad doesn't know how to parent, he's not around enough, he doesn't know you, he's always been unfair" blah blah blah.

Original poster

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 21/06/2015 09:52

Things are fine with the Ex,

Well, DH stepped up and got a confession. Dsd went to bed early but it was made clear it was for lying and not for the breakage.

Normality has returned today and all three kids are getting on :)

OP posts:

Petal02 · 21/06/2015 10:54

dad only has the children EOW, so wants everything be perfect

Yep, and therein lies the problem. My DH's remit was always to ensure that DSS had the best possible 'guest experience' during access weekends, to ensure he'd definitely want to come again.

And as much as I can understand that, it creates very skewed household dynamics.

Wdigin2this · 21/06/2015 12:02

Petal, I couldn't agree more....I've seen this in my life, my married daughter's life and in the lives of other divorced friends and family! How can you treat a DSC as an equal member of the family when the child is constantly accorded special privelages, not expected to abide by the same house rules and generally treated like visiting royalty?

swingofthings · 21/06/2015 12:10

I would wonder why they are so worried about coming true if you are saying they wouldn't be punished if they owned up.

Punishing both of them when only one committed the offense is from my view the best way to grow resentment. Children struggle with the concept of justice and that would be the best way to give them a reason to resent you.

Original poster

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 21/06/2015 13:28

He didn't punish both of them, he spoke to them one on one, and the guilty one owned up. They were both told neither would get in trouble for it but the lying was worse, I guess at that point she felt it was harder to admit.

Neither of them get in trouble a lot, we rarely need to tell them off and maybe that's why it seemed bigger than it really was.

As to why she felt she needed to lie into first place? I really don't know, maybe I'll ask her.

OP posts:

Original poster

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 21/06/2015 13:29

Also, swing, I think at their age they do understand punishment.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 21/06/2015 13:33

I was only going by your first post when you said that you were thinking that they should be punished before one owned up.

I think your OH took the right approach of talking to them and ultimately, one did own up. Maybe they just felt really bad about it and just hoped that if they said nothing, it would be forgotten.

Hopefully next time they will own up quicker.

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