just feeling so low

[roo28]

hello all, not been here for a while.
have 1 ss + 1 sd + 1 son with dp. Dss has learning problems and is extremely hard work when he is with us 6-8 nights a month. my dp refuses to see the strain that coping with 2dsk's and a new baby is taking on me. he wants me to be their mother when they have a perfectly good mum of their own he can not cope with the fact that we are in a step kind of relationship although the kids and i seem to be fine with it. Does anyone else ever reflect adn realise that the person / situation they are now committed to is something that makes them more unhappy than happy...sorry for the rambles i am sure you understand that complex situations are so tricky to express in few words. xxx

Sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. How old is your baby?

Why are you having to cope with dss and dsd? Isn't that your dp's job?

Have terrible trouble with SD. My DH basically ignores me when she is around, SD also does not speak to me. Recently all went on holiday, together with our DS (aged 2) - it was absolutely awful. Never again. I am very unhappy and do not know what to do about this situation. Do not want to leave but also do not want to stay.

Do feel for you roo28. xxxx

Hi Roo. Sorry you're having such a hard time. How old is your ds? It might just be that you're finding things hard full stop, so it's not necessarily your dsk's and/or your dh. It's a huge adjustment when you have a baby. What were things like before the baby, did you manage OK then or were things difficult then too?

What sort of things is it that your dp is expecting you to do, or what is it that he isn't doing that would help? Does he take things on board if you talk to him? Sometimes men need things spelling out for them. I find if I moan about how something is making me feel, he doesn't know what to do, but if I say I feel like x so please could you do x and that would help, he does (sometimes!) take notice.

hi everyone - thank you so much for your responses. my ds is nearly 10months old. Surfermum things were hard before i had baby but i was able to 'fake' things easier if you know what i mean - i had more options and so on BUT i am happier now and feel more relaxed with sk's so that is good. You hit the nail on the head when you commented about dh taking things on board - he really doesn't and it is so frustrating!

JWB - thank you for your support - it's so taboo to come out and say how unhappy you are especially when children are involved because the inference is always 'horrible step-parent doesn't like husband's kids'. I really understand when you say about staying or leaving - it is a terrribly unsettled way of living and i sympathaise.

Many thanks again, feeling better today or maybe just defeated...Hugs to all.

Thanks roo28, glad you are feeling better today. XX

Hey JBW - how are you this evening? Feeling any better about situation or still low?

Hi Roo28. Okay this evening. DH away for a couple of days then he will go to see his DD. I do not see SD every week. DS and I went to playgroup this afternoon, really good enjoyed it.

Keep in touch. x

Glad your feeling a bit better and that playgroup was good - it alwa\ys gives you a lift doesn't it.

THings are on the up here but synically i know it is because i am getting a break from sk's (it's not our weekend). Still don't think dh understands or attempts to emphathise with difficulties of being a step-parent but will just have to wait until next arguement i suppose.

Do you ever feel like it is you and your daughter v your dh and his dd? Even though she is not with you all the time? I have had moments of really feeling like i may as well be on my own because ds doesn't feel like 'ours' but mine...i know i must work on this.

Enjoy your day x

I feel exactly as you say - that it is me and DS -v- DH and his DD. Awful isn't it. Try to talk to him about it but just ends up in a row, so don't tend to bother any more.

When SD not there me, DH and our DS get on fine but things seem to be tense when she is there - I am not to tell her off or ask her to do anything -the fact that she ignores me is just ridiculous.

Sorry sound like a right cow don't I. Do not want to feel like this - hate myself sometimes.

Thanks for your messages. Hope you have a good day. xx

No you don't sound like a cow, not to me anyway, i understand. What a life eh! Sorry about DS and DD mix up, you have a son too - great isn't it.

don't hate yourself but i relate to the guilt which unfortunately for me can lead to yet more resentment - being made to feel like a horrible human being for not being Mary Poppins.

It is not just my dh but his entier family who seem to expect me to be grateful almost to be in the position of step-mum (dh family have no contact with his x-wife...lots of bad feelings). I just want dh to understand that everything feels like an unnatural thought-out compromise - i feel i can't send a picture of ds without including the whole 'brady bunch'!!!

Rant rant - tis so helpful though seem to have lost all sense of self, speak later off to shops as have run out of nappies!

Hi roo28

How's it going?

Hey JBW - so sorry have not been in touch - computer problems!

Things have been up and down to say the least - have had very busy Christmas, not really what i wanted for ds's first Christmas but i can safely say my dsk's had a ball which i know is the main thing.

Let me know how you are, could use a chat.

Hi Roo28 glad to hear from you. How are things going.

Moved house just before Christmas so things been rather hectic. Had a good Christmas. Just DS, DH and myself Christmas day - DS had a wonderful time. SD has been to stay this weekend - not great, but not too bad.

X

hi JBW, so glad you had a nice Christmas. We moved too (beginning Dec) so all has been hectic.

We have kids tonight and this weekend. Always live in hope that things will get better but me and Dh will inevitably argue over something. Still not sure if relationship is to survive thinking about counselling but i fear that the longer the lack of understanding continues the less i will be willing to look for resolve to our problems, it's as if i have just stopped caring sometimes.

Speak soon x

Hi roo28.

How are you doing? Hope you have settled into your new house.

Why are things so difficult. I always seem to end up rowing with DH whenever we try to discuss SD behaviour. I know he is trying to be a good father to her but I do wish he would at least try and see things from my point of view and listen to me.

x

hello jbw - some interesting posts going on just now, i don't know why but i feel nervous posting anything as my views seem so different from a lot of the other step-mummies on here - they all seem so fab, do you know what i mean?

Anyways i am fine thanks, dh and i are actually in a good place just now which is bringing us right back to the 'should we have another baby' discussion.

Life is so complicated sometimes but i wonder whether those who are not step-parents also feel the same and having more kids and is it an issue for lots of people.

how are things at home? is the relationship between you and dsd improving?

Keep well,

Rooo

Hi Roo

How are you?

Have not seen DSD for a couple of weeks, she lives about 120 miles away. Usually see her every other week but weather has been awful. My DH sees her every week.

I am job hunting at the moment, have a couple of possibilities. My current job has become very different to what it was when I first started at the Firm. So time to move on.

x