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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to get teen ds and dd to bond with dss and dsd

18 replies

MileyVirus · 31/05/2015 11:54

In our house we have my dd aged 16, my ds almost 15. We also have dss aged 16 and dss aged 15.
We have lived with each other for a year and a half.

They don't do anything with each over on their on their own will .i Would really want my kids to have a relationship with their stepsiblings in adult life. I want them not necessarily to be friends, but to enjoy each other's company.

We don't have that many arguments and they do get on but I would like them to be a bit closer.

Have any posters created a bond between their teen stepkids.

Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

yellowdaisies · 31/05/2015 12:59

We have similar aged DC/DSC as you. My DD and younger DSD (aged 11 and 14) have formed a terrific bond which is lovely to see. But DS (15) and DSS (16) don't really speak at all. They've nothing against each other, but have no apparent desire to interact. DS gets on pretty well with younger DSS (12) and the other combinations all rub along together but aren't really close.

So I'm not really sure what we've done right or wrong, but I do think a huge amount depends on the personalities of your DC/DSC. Are they sociable kids who want to interact with those around them, or do they prefer to be in their own space? Have you spoken to your own ones about how they feel about the DSC? Do they want to be closer?

We have tried getting my DS and DSS to do some project together (eg DSS helped DS build his computer) They relate perfectly well over the task in hand but then resume their parallel lives with no further interaction. So it's had limited success.

I have noticed that some of the less likely combinations sometimes work better than simply expecting same-age same-sex kids to form close bonds - eg my DD will sometimes initiate interaction from DSS, and get it. So he actually interacts better with my DS if DD is involved too.

Original poster

MileyVirus · 31/05/2015 14:34

The relationship between your ds and dss is similar to mine.

Dd and dsd is like that as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

MileyVirus · 31/05/2015 16:05

Bump

OP posts:

Trills · 31/05/2015 16:18

I think you may have to accept that you can't MAKE people be "close". Closeness comes from shared experiences and time.

They are individuals with personalities -just because they are the same sort of age doesn't mean they have anything in common. (think about going to baby and toddler groups - just because you have a child the sam age as someone and live in the same area doesn't mean that everyone at the group is necessarily someone you want to activelybe friends with)

They get on and dont have many arguments - that may be the best you can hope for, for now.

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/05/2015 16:24

Given their ages, They may be deliberately (if unconsciously) keeping their distance from each other. From their perspective, their parents haven't been together very long, and could split up - if so, the DCs may never see each other again!

Couple that with the natural resistance teens have to complying with their parents wishes and I think you're expending unnecessary energy. They get on, that's a HUGE plus for a blended family with teens; I wouldn't rock the boat!

Original poster

MileyVirus · 31/05/2015 17:24

Dh took all the dc on a day out last week which was great. I understand what your saying but I think that we should at least try to create a bond.

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/05/2015 17:34

miley I think you need to be honest about your motives for trying to force a closer relationship between these teens than they are naturally comfortable with.

I also think it might help you to read other posts here on MN to see how positive your current situation actually is; some stepDCs are abusive to one another and refuse to spend time in the same house, and at the other extreme, my BF at school had to take the morning-after pill at age 12 when she went too far with sexual experimentation with her stepbrother.

Your DCs are all approaching young adulthood - their parents trying to "create a bond" between them could backfire massively.

Trills · 31/05/2015 17:47

Wow Peruviann - that's a bit worst-case scenario.

I think what's most likely is that if you push four teenagers to spend more time together, they will be annoyed, resent it, and get along less well than they do at the moment.

tribpot · 31/05/2015 17:54

It could be that they wouldn't have much to do with each other even if they'd all grown up together, it's hard to say.

You can't make them bond - they're teens, not young kids. I think it's probably unrealistic to imagine that in the few years they will have sharing a home a great bond will develop between them. I'd just enjoy the time you have with them.

BackforGood · 31/05/2015 18:06

I don't think you can force people thrown together in their teens to "be close" - if they are polite to each other, and rub along together when given something they have to do, then I think that's all you can ask. I agree with those saying that shared experiences / shared memories is probably what bonds siblings, but if they've only lived together for such a short length of time, they won't have built those yet and you can't force it, if they don't (co-incidently) have a shared passion for something.

Original poster

MileyVirus · 31/05/2015 19:09

I'm not trying to force them, but more so attempt to encourage a bond

OP posts:

Trills · 31/05/2015 19:12

Arrange activities that they can choose to go to or not to go to, that they will all enjoy.

If it's something enjoyable then hopefully they will choose to go, and form memories together.

Encourage them to all go but don't force them to if they choose not to.

wannaBe · 31/05/2015 19:23

How long have you and your dp been together op?

Tbh, I can see why you want the dc to have a bond, because you and your dp are together and by default the children will be spending time together, but it's important to remember that the decision to be together has been yours and your dp's. None of the children asked to be in this situation or to have additional step siblings thrust into their lives/home.

If the kids generally don't argue then you are fortunate and a relationship may develop as time goes on. But in truth the children have no obligation to have any relationship at all as time goes on and as they grow into adults. If they do then that's a bonus for you. But the relationship between them is theirs to work out between them.

lunar1 · 31/05/2015 19:27

Honestly I would leave them alone. You want them to bond as siblings which from your POV would be ideal. They may bond but it won't be as siblings if they do, they don't have the shared history that comes with a sibling bond.

Let them carry on as they are, if they do, then in 10 years time they will probably have enough shared history to relate to each other as siblings.

If you force it now the will either fall out or become close friends. And you really don't want them developing anything more than a friendship.

BabyGanoush · 31/05/2015 20:22

It's not something you can force.

As long as they respect eachother and get on ok, the bond may form slowly and over time.

yellowdaisies · 31/05/2015 21:49

Actually, I take it back about other combinations of mine not being close.My DSD (17) has spent the entire afternoon today helping my DD (11) with her history revision before an exam tomorrow. DSD has her own A levels starting this week, but spent hours helping DD - who seems to need someone to bounce her thoughts of and keep her on track with revision. DSD is lovely

Still not sure what if anything I've done right on this one though. I do think that their relationship is their own and not something you can really do much about as a parent.

Haffdonga · 31/05/2015 22:31

Knowing teens, as soon as they feel they are being encouraged to bond they'll resist. I don't think you can do anything in particular to create closer relationships but you can create a home and atmosphere where those bonds are likely to happen. Things like shared mealtimes and family events, family routines, old jokes and celebrations even if it's just a special pudding with the Sunday roast or having a family sweepstake on BGT.

Holidays (if you can afford to take everyone) are a good way to get teens to bond too, especially if there is a teenage alternative activity to visiting ruins.

Model the closeness you'd like by behaving as if you assume them to be close e.g. ask dd what she thinks dss would like for his birthday, sharing excitement at a sporting success, openly showing pride, affection and sharing this with them.

And get a dog. Everybody loves a dog.

hoobygalooby · 02/06/2015 11:16

I think at that age a bond must naturally evolve and can’t be forced.
I was 18 and my brother was 15 when my mum remarried and my step brothers were 16 and 14. We pretty much ignored each other to begin with. We didn’t argue or fight with each other, just accepted each other. As the oldest and only girl I was pretty disgusted by the fact that I suddenly had 3 teenage boys around me but it didn’t bother me that much as by that time I was out living my own life by then anyway.
Over the years we all got married, had kids and attended each others weddings, birthdays etc and now we are all in our 40s I sometimes forget that we aren’t blood relatives and in fact now I get on better with my stepbrothers than my own brother. Their kids call me auntie and they are uncles to my kids too.
I’m rambling a bit now but I think if our parents had tried to ‘make’ us bond, we would have resented each other and it wouldn’t have flowed naturally.

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