This is so hard!

8 replies

PurpleRose864 · 27/05/2015 11:04

Hi,
I'm new in the step parents forum.

Looking for advice/hand holding really.

I have a 9 year old dss. He was 3 when me and his dad got together, we all got on great, my dh had shared residence of his ds so when dh moved in with me and my ds he stayed with us for half of the week.
Me and dh have since had our own ds.

6 months ago dss came to live with us full time and has only recently started having contact with his mother. Which has been incredibly difficult for dss and to be honest I've been the one that's been his emotional strength. But since this contact has started apparently I'm the wicked witch. He won't listen, he tells lies, he's turned very spiteful and nasty to his siblings. He's always been the 'favourite ' with dh's family and has never been disciplined. He hates the fact that now he lives here he has the same rules and boundaries that his brothers have but I can't let his 'do as he pleases' when the other 2 can't. By rules and boundaries, I mean politeness, kindness, no nastiness, listening etc but because I ask of these things he hates me and 'Hate's his life' . I will add, he has lived with me for 5 years(for half a week every week) and it was his own choice to move here full time due to not very nice issues with his mum. I feel like I'm at a point where I just darn't discipline him so he's getting away with quite nasty things and the other two are either telling me it's not fair or copying the behaviour. I'm the one that's home the most so it all seems to fall on my shoulders. I want to make a nice life for him and I want us to have the nice relationship back that we used to have. But I don't know how seeing as he suddenly seems to hate me. It very sad and I understand completely he will be struggling with his own insecurites with what he's been through but I can't let him get away with bad things because we all feel sorry for him.

I don't now how to make it all better. We just want our happy family back.

OP posts:

CheapSunglasses · 27/05/2015 15:39

Where's his dad, your DH? Doesn't he have any input?

The solution is going to start with him.

Original poster

PurpleRose864 · 27/05/2015 16:28

Yes he does, but normally makes excuses for behaviour. He works away sometimes too. He sees what dss is doing but he struggles just as much as me as to what to do to make things better. It doesn't help that dss will play anyone he can off on to the next person, he has caused some not very nice situations with telling lies. I feel so stuck.

OP posts:

MsColouring · 27/05/2015 20:20

Sounds like he's had a really rough time and so have you. Right now it sounds like you are the main carer and the most constant person in his life. resist the urge to relax the boundaries - boundaries give children security. You and your dh need to be on the same page with this or he will play you off each other - there are reasons for the way he is behaving and they need to be understood but not used as excuses. Would he benefit from some one-to-one times with either you or his dad sometimes.

Wdigin2this · 27/05/2015 23:41

This child is going through a tough time, and you and his brothers are bearing the brunt of it! I realise his dad works away, and that's probably part of the problem, but really...he is the child's father and he cannot just opt out of dealing with this! If your DH does not get to grips with this, it will get much worse and your lives will be miserable. You sound like a lovely, caring person, don't let your DH take such advantage of your kindness...it's his son, his responsibility to ultimately find out what his child's problems are, and resolve them!

Original poster

PurpleRose864 · 31/05/2015 11:30

Thanks for the responses. After speaking with DH about it all we both feel stuck and unsure about what to do. I have found myself wondering if we should go and speak with dss teacher and see about using the family support worker at the school? I have never spoken to one of these so I don't know if it's a good idea or not. Does anyone have any experience.? In my head I'm thinking dss needs some help with his own issues and if these are addressed then maybe things could start to get better. I just don't know. Thanks

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/05/2015 11:44

I have found myself wondering if we should go and speak with dss teacher and see about using the family support worker at the school? I have never spoken to one of these so I don't know if it's a good idea or not

Goodness, yes! I'm surprised the school haven't been more proactive; are they aware of your DSS change of address, and prolonged lack of contact with his former primary carer?

Your DSS has experienced a great deal of turbulence in his life recently, and is bound to be experiencing a huge range of emotions - and the adults in his life have a responsibility to help him learn how to manage those, in the same way as he is taught academic and practical skills.

Original poster

PurpleRose864 · 31/05/2015 11:56

Yes, school are aware of everything and other issues to do with his siblings on his mother's side. (Not DH's) But they have never suggested anything like the family support worker. They basically just said it was a good thing he came to us. I will talk to his teacher and hopefully she can put me in touch with the right people.

OP posts:

secretpoet · 31/05/2015 16:40

What he needs is for you and your DH to be really strong with the boundaries in your home. The renewed contact with his Mum has caused an upset and a disturbance to his life and he needs to feel safe and secure in your home. You will make this happen by continuing as you always have done - giving him love and boundaries - and by just continually reinforcing this.

Flip