If you are a SM, what would you find helpful from your SC's mum?

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

Apologies if I haven't got the phrasing correct.

DS4 stays with his dad EOW and one night in the week. His dad has remarried and his SM is really good IMO. We had a few problems at first but now we get on quite well and can talk about things at pick up and drop off times.

This morning she mentioned how DS was very wearing and how his dad doesn't really discipline him and she feels bad being the 'mean' one. DS is well behaved at home but then I've always set boundaries and consequences and he needs that (as most children do). At his dad's house he really is allowed to do as he pleases and, as a result, is rude and demanding. His SM feels awkward about stepping in but I have told her she has my permission and that if his dad has a problem with that then he can take it up with me.

Is there anything else I can do to improve the situation there? What would you find useful? It's awful but one of the reasons I feel okay about DS staying with them is her!

Only thing you could do is make sure your ds knows you don't expect to get bad reports from his dad's and you do expect him to listen to and respect his dsm. I think you have done everything you can otherwise, she knows you're ok with her doing discipline so the rest is up to them to sort out. Maybe they have different expectations with regards to behaviour.
What would help me as a step mum is dss dm doing what you have done in teaching boundaries and basic manners. Also abit of back up when bad reports do go back.

My DSS's mum is great. One thing that I appreciate is that she always refers to me and DP as a unit, for example at hand over will say 'be good for dad and riverboat' or 'you'll have to ask dad and riverboat about that' not just dad. So DSS knows we are a team and he is in both our care at our house, not just his dads.

I think you are going to be limited as to what you and stepmum can achieve though if the dad is still not going to be on board with expectations and strategies re behaviour. My DP and his ex always keep each other updated re particularly good/bad behaviour with DSS, and any time he attempts to play them off against each other he fails because their communication is so good! In some extreme cases punishments have been carried over across houses, though luckily this has only been necessary once or twice.

I think this works well but only when there is total trust between all the adults involved, and your ex is obviously the weak link here. Could his partner get him to read up on the dangers of overly lax parenting particularly within the dynamics of a separated family? There are some titles that often get recommended on this forum, though they escape me now.

Thank you for your input, it is gratefully received. Thinking about it, I don't refer to his dad and SM together very much, just force of habit I suppose, so that's definitely something I can introduce.
I have made a date with SM for later this week and we are taking our DC out for the day so we will hopefully get a chance to sit down when they're playing and have a chat. I'm hoping DS will see it as a positive thing where he is expected to behave like he does at home and SM will see what boundaries he has with me iyswim. I'm not expecting her to have exactly the same way of parenting, that way lies madness, just that I do tell him off and she can say that she knows he's capable of behaving as she's witnessed it.
As for DS' dad, well, I'm hoping that her influence will win him round eventually as I've given up trying to suggest things to him.

I agree that setting boundaries is really important - the dad needs to step up here. But in the absence of that it's important that you both have similar 'rules'. We could never manage this as ex is quite odd about a few things and her new partner is very odd at times, plus dp is typically lax.

I think that sanctions should really carry over both houses - this is a problem we had. His mum/sd would sanction him no Internet/PC/games/whatever, we didn't know about the sanction and suddenly he'd be wanting to be at ours all the time. We're in the opposite situation now - sd found something on dss phone that he shouldn't have had, we were told by the mother to 'deal with it' which we did by banning him from the Internet indefinitely, but he's not banned at her house so now he's [trying to] refusing to come to his dad's. All very screwy in my view.

It's great to hear a mother who wants to make things right with the sm though, may as well just face up to the situation and everyone do their best to make things work.

You sound like you are lovely and it's really good to hear someone be positive their child's step parent. I would say it's your ex who needs to step up. It's going to be hard for her to set and maintain boundaries if your ds's dad isn't working with her as a team. Do you have a good enough relationship with him to have this conversation with him instead?

Any chance the 3 adults and DS can discuss house rules that are to be consistent in both houses???

I'd really love to be able to talk to DS' dad about this but he gets very defensive about it, our relationship deteriorated enormously 2 summers ago and I am a bit scared of him. Unfortunately he is also rather a Disney dad. I am grateful for DS' SM tbh but feel awful that she is the one taking on the parenting of DS when he's there.
Melon, you make a very good point about sanctions being carried across; although it's not really applicable atm it will be when DS is older (at the moment his sanctions are going in the hall, in lieu of a naughty step, or having a treat removed such as an ice cream).
I have had a chat with DS about his behaviour when he's there and reminded him that he knows the right way to behave and he needs to think about this when he's at his dad and SM's house. Let's hope it sinks in.

I don't think rules need to be the same as such across both houses...different houses work in different ways, and different parents/step parents might place different values on certsin aspects of behaviour eg table manners, tidiness, doing chores, not being noisy etc. But out and out rudeness, eg saying something purposefully unkind or being blatantly disrespectful/wilfully very naughty needs to be dealt with consistently. I think a basic level of respect for others, starting with the adults looking after him, is a key thing to instill, if your ex will at least take on that much...

You sound really lovely, I'd love OHXW to be like this! You sound like you've done everything you can, just keep the lines of communication open.

I don't know that I would do anything. I'd be okay with rules being different at different houses. Not wildly different of course. I'd go mad if hitting was involved for example, but broadly speaking, each household to its own.

We went out and it was really good, we're going to do it again. We spoke about a lot of things, I said I found it easier to talk to her than to DS' dad. She was great and I think it was good for DS to see us getting on. I know she's finding things a bit tough (as am I!) so it makes sense to work together and I think this has really opened things up so we can talk more freely.
She did mention just how much firmer I am with DS compared to his dad (and also how well behaved he is with me, strange that!) and I hope it's given her the confidence to know she can be firm too.

I think it's fantastic that you are supportive of his am!

For me I have the double whammy that dp is getting better at giving rules and guidelines but their dm is the massively Disney one

For example, dss has end of year exams next week and has been with dm since middle of last week and which is when he was given timetable . He has done nothing and she hasn't done anything to encourage it. Her excuse last night when dp frogmarched dss home to get his school stuff was that its not her job it's the schools. He his currently ensconced in his room with his books doing an hour then having a 15 min break and then another hour

I agree all the rules don't need to be the same across different households but SOME do. It may just be the basic standard of compliance and attitude - what is expected of them type of thing. That is what I meant.

It sounds like it went really well TheChunk.

Same old story the DC's daddy has them at his home for a limited time, he doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' in their lives, so he doesn't discipline (parent properly) them! Result, unacceptable behaviour, which he tolerates because it's only for a small part of his week! You and SM sound like you're doing all you can, it's DF's turn to step up to the plate! Good luck with that

Generally, following on from the sanctions point, I would LOVE clearer communication. So a text/note/comment at drop off/pick up saying "DSD had a big lunch so won't need a huge tea, she needs to do homework this weekend, and I'm sorry but she's grown out of her summer tops so I haven't packed any could you pick some up"- rather than just finding out at tea time that DSD is full, finding out the next morning that she has no clean t shirts, and then finding out on drop off that we were supposed to practice spellings!!!

you sound very lovey and thoughtful

Wdigin it is a common story but as with wheres we have the same problem it's not a Disney dad but a Disney mum. Dss is allowed to get away with lots of things at his mums that I find unacceptable and we do not tolerate in our home. Biggest problem for us is how to break bad habits when we only see dss eow plus 1 after school. We can't really so standards slip and the same problems come back again and again.
Cunk you sound amazing I think any kid and step mum would be lucky to have you. You've done all you can now it's dad's time to step up. But even if he let's things go that you wouldn't don't worry too much a weekend isn't long enough to make bad habits. I know my ds gives his dad the runaround at times and tries things he knows he's got no chance of getting away with me, he still knows when to stop at home.

Ours is more that the standards are just different - I don't allow him to drink Coke, she does. Neither of us is right or wrong, he's not behaving badly (though he is at our house when he buys it at the shop and hides it in his room!).

She won't allow him to have Lucozade, I don't give a stuff about Lucozade. (she has a 'thing' about sugar, I have a 'thing' about caffeine and dss being over tired because he doesn't get enough sleep and he's a kid who needs his sleep).

I'm not going to start allowing Coke but I'd be happy to add Lucozade to the 'banned' list. :) But I can't see her wanting to ban Coke.

Those are minor examples, there are bigger ones. He always tells us he has done his homework at his mum's, she doesn't seem to supervise this - we got his school report this week...he's marked down on homework on quite a few subjects as he's either not handed it in or is late with it. Not sure what we can do about it, he tells us he's done it....she doesn't mention anything....
He's 'on report' at school for being late every day for a week when he was at his mother's.....not sure if she has spoken to him about this, but will ask him about it this weekend.

From the DF's point of view, yes, there is a lot of not wanting to be the bad guy when they're only there a short time - surely DMs can understand that? But, also, it's a fear of being the bad guy and DC saying they don't want to come any more. Or saying to DM 'dad said I couldn't/had to...etc' and if DM is a bit vindicative the next thing you know she's telling DC they don't have to come any more.

So, we are faced with the opposite, dss is talking vaguely about wanting to come and live with us - he has this idea in his head that now he is 14 he is 'allowed' to choose, he overlooks the fact he can't live here as we both work a way a lot of the time - and I have pointed out to him several times that if he did live with us his life would not be the game-fest it often appears to be when he is here and that it's easy for it to look like we would allow him to do as he wishes but that if he were here full time he'd soon find out he had to do just as many chores (more, in fact, as his mother doesn't get him to do household chores because she likes doing them herself) and we'd be a lot stricter than we are at weekends. I think even the RP would admit things are less strict over weekends than on weekdays, so if you only had them for w/e you'd seem a lot more lax too.

Ah Melon, sorry things are strained for you. Do you have a good relationship with your DSS' mum?

I do understand the fear faced by NRPs of their DC saying they don't want to see them. However, I have repeatedly and clearly told DS' dad that I will never ever stop DS from seeing him. I never speak badly about him in front of DS, it's always positive and I encourage him to share his news. DS' dad knows that I had a terrible relationship with my bio dad as he and my SM didn't want me around and it affected me emotionally so I would never put DS through that. I allow him to say when he'd like DS to stay during holidays etc too so I don't think that argument would hold weight in our situation.

I've been in contact with DS' SM since we went out and it all seems very positive so maybe this is the way to go. WHen we were talking we agreed that we are all decent people that want the best for our DC so that is always the aim.

We are sharing information about what jobs DS does here and what he eats etc, I hope this add some continuity to his life and he'll know that we talk!

melon - DMs do not want to be the bad guy all the time either. It is eternally wearing to always be the one doing the discipline because their DF will not.

I want consistency - the rules do not have to be the same, except on manners and attitude. Although attitude as they get older is harder to control but please, thank you, clearing the table, washing up, tidying up should be the same.

I do not want my DCs treated differently to the her DCs in their home and it really should be my DCs home aswell. I do not want discriminatory punishments against my DCs and I do want you to respect that they do need some 1:1 time with their Dad. Not that it dominates family life - but just little things. A trip in the car to the shops - for one DC with Dad - amazing how that small thing meant so much ( pathetically sad really)

You do not have to love my DCs ( and in my case I am well aware that she would be happy if she never saw them again) but please be kind and treat them as you would want your DCS to be treated.

Oh, sorry, it's not strained really, I didn't mean to give that impression.

He's a teen, we have our moments, and a few weeks ago I really shouted at him, for the first time ever. Then I came down and shouted at his father for not dealing with the issue that I had to shout about. But we expect this from a teen.

I get on OK with his mum - but it's taken a long time of me being nice to her while she bitched behind my back (I was not the OW, I wasn't even the next gf, she hated the next gf). We're trying to be more consistent by speaking more but I don't have direct contact with her - and I don't really want it either to be honest. It's my view that contact and care issues should be dealt with by the bio parents. I am here as a back up (this weekend dp has gone off this morning, took him to the station at 4am, and dss is with me) but it's not my role to do all the arranging - dp has got a LOT better at arranging stuff but neither he nor the mother are good at planning things.

To be honest, she's really not my type of person, she's far more into her looks than I am and designer clothes, she's pretty superficial and she boasts that dss's friends at school all fancy her - she's been doing this since I met her when he was 9, it feels a bit cringey to me!

There were issues at the start when dp was still living in the marital home, she had moved out. I understand the sensitivities around that but dp wasn't in the main bedroom (I didn't live there). dss was living with her at some random bf's (not the one she is with now). She used to go into the house when we weren't there and text complaining about my clothes being there, and she would take his payslips etc, she was always getting her solicitor to send his solicitor letters about the house. It was all very petty - dp mainly ignored it, in fact he left his payslips out so she could take them because he thought it was funny that she thought she was being clever. He never had any intention of hiding any financial information from her - he just isn't like that.

But to be honest, none of these were my issues really - well, until the time she walked in and we were sitting on the sofa drinking tea, and that was the first time I met dss and he was 9. My car was on the drive, so you'd think she might call out and ask if it was OK, or come in on her own first - I get that it was her house, but you'd imagine she might have been wary of what her son might see.

The main issue we all have is actually the SD, who has some very odd views. It doesn't affect me much but it does upset dss so we often deal with the fallout. Dss recently reported SD to social services so we're still going through the motions with them (for taking away his iphone and shouting at him. We have since taken away his iphone for the long term - I doubt ss would be that impressed if we showed them the hard core porn videos we found on it).

I doubt very much that she would stop dss seeing his dad, the bottom line is that she prefers her time without dss and is happy for him to be with us a lot. I've never liked the way she spoke about where he was going to be, like he was a bag of sugar, not a real person. We had him not wanting to come here a couple of weeks ago but she didn't allow him to make that decision.

We're making a bid to have Christmas Day this year. She always has CD - she has sentimental attachments to such things. But last year we had him from when school broke up to Xmas Eve, she said not to give him breakfast as she would collect him at 9am and take him to MacD's for a treat. She turned up at 2.30pm, having not contacted any of us in the meantime (waving shopping bags at us and telling us how busy town was - she's lucky we're so laid back really). The poor boy. Then she had him CD and we picked him up at 9am BD (and she phoned us at 8.30am to remind us) and took him back to hers on 2nd Jan.

This year we'd like to go away after school ends and up to BD, so we're trying to get her buy in. She did nothing for his birthday this year, we did everything (oh, we did everything last year too) - just a sleepover and then motorcross, but even so. She popped round and stayed ten minutes to give him presents of designer clothes. Then she posts on her fb page how much she loves him and wishing him a happy birthday - but she can't really be bothered to do anything in RL, it's all about looking like mum-of-the-year for her.

He's here now and I have to cajole him into mowing the lawn, then we're going to buy his summer clothes and get lunch in town (NOT at MacDs!).