Should I say something

[dontwannamakeitworse]

Apologies if this appears twice... I typed a thread and it disappeared...
My dd doesn't like her dad's girlfriend... And I don't think he's aware of this. She's now saying she doesn't want to go to his if she's there. I want her to be happy at dad's but I don't want to Force her to go if it's making her unhappy as she has anxiety issues as it is. But she needs to see her dad. Dd says gf isn't nice to her, calls her rude etc.. And says dad has changed and isn't the same. Should I say something to exh before dd really does refuse to go? I suggested she tell her dad how she's feeling but she says he'll only get angry... Any thoughts?

May I ask how old is your daughter?

And

Do you have a decent relationship with your ex?

She is 8. Have an ok ish relationship but he won't want to hear this ( understandably so) I just don't want her to miss /dread time with her dad...

If you've got an okay relationship and given her age I think you've got to broach it with him.

I'd advise a face to face meeting, without his gf, and possibly include your DD so that she can tell her dad how she's feeling and you can make sure he doesn't get angry with her.

Just a final thought. Is it at all possible that your ex has been acting like a Disney dad, and is now being more of a parent? It could be that your DD doesn't like the change (not suggesting that this is the case, just an alternative perspective).

Thanks. He's no disney dad... I think the problem is that dd says gf is strict... But says dd is rude... Which isn't likely... She says dad never backs her up... There are a few issues that I can't detail as it would out me... But it seems gf isn't really understanding these issues from dd point of view. Gf takes dd out which doesn't like.... She wants to be with her dad. Dd also keeps saying that 'shes not my mum' and 'dad isn't the same anymore'... I know exh won't want to hear it... But if I say nothing it's not going to improve? Or if I say something will he dig his heels in and not hear what dd is saying anyway??

My other dd doesn't like her either... But she's just dealing with it by not taking it to heart....

It's not an easy situation, but he needs to know how his daughter feels. Unfortunately you're the only one who can tell him (unless you have a good relationship with his relatives?).

He won't want to hear it, and neither will his girlfriend, but this gives them a chance to build a better relationship with DD.

I'd be hurt if my SSs felt that way about me, but I'd rather know.

Would it be ok to suggest that perhaps the gf doesn't do some of the things that dd doesn't like? I just want to pave the way for my dd to feel ok but think I'll be told it's none of my business. I did raise a couple of things about 6 months ago but nothing changed... I get the feeling that exh won't discuss this with gf... For whatever reason. I don't know her otherwise I'd be happy to talk to her(nicely!)

I don't think you are the only one who can tell him. The best person to tell him would be your DD. Can you help her find words to explain to him what's bothering her? I helped my DD write her problems down in a letter once to her dad when there were things she was unhappy about - she was about that age. It would be a lot better if she can manage to have the conversation with her dad herself, as you're right - you do risk being told it's none of your business, or suspected of being the one who actually has a problem with the GF rather that your DD. (I'm not suggesting you are - but people try and find other explanations for things they don't want to hear). At the end of the day it is her relationship with her dad. She does need to learn to manage it herself.

You can be a listening ear, and of course could ultimately stop contact if there was something really serious of concern, but doesn't sound like there really is at now. You say the GF takes your DD out - so sounds like she is trying to form a good relationship with her.

Would you be able to help engineer the opportunity for your DD to speak to her dad without his GF being around?

You can also try to to support her to accept the GF is around and that she may just have to get used to some things being a little different. Maybe she is a bit stricter in some of the ways of behaving that your Ex is more relaxed about. If your DD's ultimate desire is that her dad ditches the GF and goes back to how he was before, this isn't very likely to happen. But if she just feels she needs a bit of one to one time with just him and her, or has a specific issue with some house rule that has been newly implemented, then that's something he should be willing to listen to.

Thanks yellow... I've tried encouraging dd to talk to him...She won't... Unfortunately he has let her down a lot and she's lost faith. She's also got anxiety issues in general and can't do difficult conversations. The letter thing is a good idea. I can see that the gf is just trying to do right... I know if I could suggest a few things not to do my dd would have less issue with her... But my exh rarely takes my advice with these things. I know dd is finding it difficult... Think it's moved too fast for her really. A friend suggested I should let dd decide whether to go or not but I feel I should try sorting it so she wants to go. I lost touch with my dad and I don't want her to.