Trying to remain calm!!!

[Pinkrose2]

I posted recently about EXW after 9 years as trying to get her out of my head but it wasn't the whole story to be honest.

For any divorce with kids it's not nice and I understand there can be insecurities or seeking attention etc with DSC and they need extra love at times and good communication to guide them in life.
I don't expect my DSC who are now nearly 16 and 13 to act like perfect children as I totally get that kids play up and are typical teenagers etc, but god forbid its just beyond a joke now and I can't excuse their behaviours any longer.
DSD has always found the divorce difficult and has caused a lot of grief to me in the past. Playing Dp off against EXW all the time, telling lies, telling tales to her mum etc etc and we get the nasty texts. I could go on and on. When we lost our child at birth 2.5 years ago (27 weeks gestation) she used him as an excuse in school to get a time out card etc as she said was struggling with her emotions and will still now play on it to suit her needs. She even went to a counsellor in school so she could have time out of class. Now I know it was difficult for everyone and I understand they may have been upset but I hate the fact that the son I lost is used in this way.
Myself and Dp have recently adopted our son and through this process she even threatened Dp with asking for our social workers email address whilst having a row as she wanted to ask her a question. Or to state god knows what to SW to slag off her dad and try and scupper adoption...
DSS who is the younger one does not cause as much stress and is pretty laid back, so much so his attendance in school is shockingly bad. We don't have any control over this in the morning as they visit us every other weekend and come for tea in week one night. She rarely tells us his absences and get told by DSD most of the time. He is off for colds, temperatures etc etc, nothing significant and he is a healthly boy. Or more to the point he is in x box until a silly time at night and then too tired for school.
I summary re the kids DP thinks I'm too harsh and I think he's too soft,, same old story I suppose,, he's always been petrified that they can use the 'ace' card and say if you shout at me etc then we wont come again,,,awful but true,,

After my thread re ex wife I felt so much better and still do as is helping lots but it's all kicked off since that post. Basically DSC came this weekend gone and DSD was fishing for a fight on Saturday, she wanted to revise for her exams and we arranged in afternoon to see my family for a BBQ, she was really hard work with trying to scupper this so I suggested to stay at our home for a few hours to revise and we will be back then, that wasn't ok for her so she came with us, ( bear in mind we support her lots through exams and even paying half to an English tutor for her to moment ). Anyway she caused a small fight in back of the car with her brother whilst my new adopted son was sleeping. As you can imagine my son has come from not the best past so any form of violence is just totally unacceptable and I told her so, she called her mum to come and get her which she did, EXW never comes to our house usually so she got her fight in the end that she wanted. Now EXW has said DSD cannot visit till after exams are over as its too disruptive her, meaning our new adopted son who is a delight and not a problem at all is the cause ,,,,
Now lastly DSS was off school again on Monday so we both ( me and dp) called the school to say enough is enough and something needs to be done. So they are getting education welfare officer to be involved to get to the root cause as to why DSS has all this time off,, (because she has no control over them at all)) when she found out this was happening she texted DP to say we're all In the shit now!!!! Text last night to say DSS is bouncing that dad has dobbed him in and will not come here now and she is fuming that DP has been dobbed him in!!!! But surely it's a good thing to get DSS in school and get the problem sorted. Interestingly he went to school the next day,,,,

I'm just at the end of my tether with it all,,, just want to enjoy every second with my new son which I am but hate the fact they are trying to jepodise this,,,, I am trying to not let it get to me but feel that there is lots more to come and I have this horrible feeling all the time of waiting for the next outburst!!!! I am trying, trying very hard to not let it get to me....Dp is handling it all ok to be honest and said if they need to stay away for a few weeks then so be it but I know he is hurting deep down.

All I want is to be a mum,,,is that such a crime.....

what opportunities were given to your DSC to grieve with you as a family following the loss of your baby? is it not possible your DSD's grief is genuine and talking to a counsellor was useful for her? Even if she had behaved like she doesn't care in front of you, that doesn't mean that's the case - her own emotions will clearly be very conflicted. Why not take the need for emotional support at face value and assume the best of her rather than the worst (that she's 'using' your baby?)

have the DSC been involved in the adoption? or was it presented to them as a fait accompli? I would assume that it's very difficult for children to understand their feelings - they may well see the logic of adoption in your situation but that doesn't mean that it won't hurt them or make them worry about their father's loyalties towards them (and that's without a difficult mum causing problems in the background). It's not unreasonable to keep your DSD drama-free during her exams - even if she is causing the drama from your perspective. I think I would seek to do the same - the exams really do need to come first.

Why are you involved in calling the school? Surely in the difficult situation you describe you would take a step back and let your DH get on with it? I would assume mum is somewhat threatened by your presence and this kind of action doesn't help that, does it?

Hi
Firstly regarding our loss, we did talk to DSC lots to help them grieve and I know everyone handles it differently and if counselling for her was needed then ok, but after 2.5 years is still being used then I don't get that..we did not bring our baby home so they never met him, yes they had a loss of a brother that they were excited about and I totally understand that.

As for the adoption we have talked LOTS and lots to them about the process and what it entails. We have done everything and everything to make the transition to their lives as smooth as possible and talked lots that we will always love them and nothing would change on that front etc. Due to their ages we are able to talk to them in a more adult way especially DSD. we have been very open with them and I instigate talks to them a lot about their feelings etc to ensure they are ok with everything. As for exams at the moments I totally understand that this is a stressful time and we have supported her as much as we can when we see her and paying for tutor etc. Exams do come first i agree as very important but also should not be used as a weapon to manipulate us.

I did call the school as DP was busy in work, I only called to instigate a callback to my husband who then took it from there to address the situation, I took a step back and let him deal with what action to take etc.

If I were you I would grab this opportunity to enjoy some peaceful time with your new son and let the drama llamas that are your Dsc (no doubt goaded on by their mother ) stew in their own juice for a few weeks. I think your dp need have no worries they are gone for good, they are at the age where they can make their own decision about contact with father. your dps ex sounds slightly unhinged and probably feeds off this sort of behaviour. time for some boundary setting and yes , contrary to the mumsnet philosophy, YOU can set some of those boundaries as well as their father as its YOUR home. I suggest you tell them the sort of behaviour you are not willing to accept. If they don't like it then they are not welcome. they are not toddlers and have to stop being pandered to. I too am a step mum and wouldn't put up with fighting for a minute ! .

Thanks patchwork patty for your advice, I think we all need time out to take a step back and look at the situation and as always have the best interests of the DSC at heart but our interests too with setting boundaries etc, for the good of the DSC.
It's so hard to get the right balance but I will not tolerate any aggressive behaviour in front of our son. When DSD went on saturday when her mum picker her up as she was in a mood she slammed the front door as hard as she could knowing our new son was in bed, he's only 22months old and she was determined to wake him up,,,
Oh well will see what happens,and I'll try my best to remain calm as I always do xx

I'd say two things:

Firstly - everything needs to be for the good of all the children, even though that means some compromise. If dsd is acting up then during the exam time it's best she stays away. dss needs the welfare people to look into his situation so ignore the ex as dp has done the right thing - in the end it is he they will respect for trying to put things right, not the ex for just being a walk over. But it sounds a bit as if dp needs to 'man up' and take back a bit of control with the dsc, but that is very easy to say here, and actually very easy to say to the dp (I've done it!) but I don't know how easy it would be for any dp to do as if they are not that way then they just are not.

Secondly - have you had some counselling? You've been through a terrible loss and then a massive change with the adoption and your fmaily unit has been shifted every which way, plus the teens...oh god the teens (I had a bit of a breakdown a few years ago, I don;t have kids, but always got on well with my sister and her kids and part of the thing causing me anxiety was the breakdown of my sister's relationship with my [then teen] niece. My counsellor then said you just have to survive the teenage years. My bil says you need stamina. Dealing with teen dss now I know what they mean!). It sounds to me as if having someone to talk to for yourself to help you reset some of your thought processes might be really helpful. It's important, as you know, to be calm around your new son and make his environment stable and safe (I know you know this).

I guess I'm 'lucky', we have had a few terrible weeks with the dss and last weekend he told his mother he didn't want to come to us (he is banned from the Internet at our house currently) but 'luckily' his mother is too lazy to want him for a minute more than she has to have him so she makes him come anyway :) So his threats fall on deaf ears.

How long has your son been with you? I also have dsc and an adopted son and while the children were all involved in the process and really love him, there is some jealousy and regression from them all. Dss often does baby talk and baby rough play and gets ridiculously upset (tears) at tiny perceived injustices (e.g. having to go to bed at the same time as younger brother even though we had been out late to a show, it was 11pm and little one had been sleeping in the car). I guess as well as the usual stuff, they are having to shift their roles in the family. And a toddler isn't the same as a new baby. The nature of adoption is that there isn't a lot of time between matching and placement and the child comes with a whole personality and mischief. And they are so full on and needing intense parenting to build attachment. I guess I'm saying there's a lot to get used to. Another thing we have is that dss is a bit jealous that new ds is home with daddy all the time and he isn't. This would only be compounded if their mother feeds it. I guess I haven't much practical to say, just maybe to look at the relationships between the dsc and their new sibling to see if anything might be going on there. And don't stress out not seeing them in exam time if they don't want to come. Use this time peacefully with ds before the joy of summer holidays :)

no half decent counsellor would work with a child for 2.5 years if there was nothing to work with. Your DSD, for whatever reason, has a need to talk through whatever issues are going on in her life - and it is very likely she moved on from the loss of your baby a long time ago. You seem determined to see the worst in her rather than accept that there could be a 1001 reasons she's struggling with mum, dad, step mum, siblings and adoption. Not to mention being a teenager, doing exams and working out where her future is.

I'm not sure why deciding to stay away during exams is a method by which you are being manipulated? Normal teenage behaviour is to slam doors and not give two hoots about anyone else - it's in the job description. It's also normal to squabble and fight in the back of cars, even if told not to. You can't (and shouldn't) expect two children to stop being them just because there's another child in the household. I think it's fine to stay away during exams - I expect it happens in a lot of households, regardless of new siblings and their needs.

Thanks for your replies
I really do not see the worst in my DSD and as my previous post I totally understand that teenagers will be teenagers and play up or be naughty etc, I get that honestly I do and I have no issues with this at all. I have been a teenager myself BUT would always treat people with respect, which is what I find hard to live with, the lack of it. with fighting in the back of the car or slamming doors in the past this has happened before and have told DSC off when needed, however, we have talked at lenght re adoption and the implications of DS to witness upset or slamming doors in the early days of him being placed etc. i do not expect them to be perfect as I have posted before but for them to maybe not slam doors or fight I the back of the car when DS is there as we need to protect him during this new change in his life where a calm environment as much as can be is a must in the initial stages. I will never ask or expect my 2 DSC to change or be someone they are not in their home here when they come to stay which is every other weekend and once in the week, but all I am asking is for a little respect with the situation and for them to treat people In the right way. They are not babies as 16 and 13 so surely it is a good lesson to learn for the future. I do talk to my DSD about her world and there have been lots of occasions where my Dp has fell out with her and I am the one who will fix it by talking to her at lenght and have a heart to heart with her to try and get to the bottoms of things.
I really try my best with DSC, I have always made it a calm loving environment when they come to stay as I know it is mayhem most of the time at their mums as she is always so angry and bitter, my DP and I never argue in front of children and I am a big believer in talking about things and not brushing them under the carpet.

I understand the change to their lives too and we have done everything in our power to make this as easy for them as possible and have talked lots.
The DSC have adapted really well to DS and have formed a really good bond already which is great to see.
As for DSD, Unfortunatley the only reason I can see why her behaviour is why it is, is because of her mum who really is a nasty piece of work. Which is really sad but I have no control over this whatsoever.
To reply to previous posts i did have counselling with the loss of my baby which helped enormously and we have put of lives back toghether but will never forget.
Our new son has been with us for 2.5 months and going really well.

Forgot to respond to one post from earlier. When DS was placed DP had 2 weeks off and then back to work so he is not home all day with DS, I am the stay at home mum so could totally understand the jealousy etc if the case. I do understand from DSC perspective that they may think that things will change with their dad now new DS has arrived so we talk to DSC lots to ensure they are ok with everything or have anything concerning them etc. I try always to be as open as I can. The DSC love DS already and love coming to see him. We make sure we give time to DSC too when they come obviously as we know it's a big transition to them etc. x

It's really really early days for you as a new family. It will settle. Just keep going and everyone will settle into their new roles.