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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AM I BEING STUPID??

21 replies

pandagirl03 · 10/11/2006 01:26

Hello, i have been with dp for 3 years now he has dd and ds, we have a dd together and have just got engaged. We have his children every other saturday and other than a few problems everything has been great untill tonight. Dp has been at work, he came home saying his dd had text but didn't say much more about it, told me i could read text see what she said. So i went and read text. She had text dp saying how much she miss's him etc etc then she put please please could dp her and dss spend sat on there own without me and dd. Im feeling extremley hurt by this. Should i be bothered or just ignore it. As i said dp hasn't said anything about it. Sorry to ramble on, just feeling very hurt and upset.

OP posts:

possumhead · 10/11/2006 07:58

Hi pandagirl03
I am not surprised that you feel hurt and upset, I would too in your situation.
I think that it is fine for her to want some time with her dad, however i do think you or dp should sit down with her and ask her to be a bit more up front if there is a problem rather than texting. Perhaps she's just feeling that she and ds are being pushed out more now that you've got engaged?!

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 10/11/2006 10:11

Thanks for your reply possum. I dont think shes feeling pushed out because we have got engaged because she doesn't know yet, as dp hasn't seen her to tell her face to face. But her mother does know, but has said she wont tell her untill dp does. I just feel its been done very sly and she is trying to exclude our dd which has hurt me alot. couldn't get to sleep till 3am

OP posts:

hoolagirl · 10/11/2006 10:59

Very tricky, she needs to accept that he is part of another family as well, but perhaps a day out WITH your DD there as well would better and give the kids time on there own with their dad and time to bond seperately with their new sister?

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 10/11/2006 11:05

well dd is 16 months old so not exactly new. Im not sure if i should just let them get on with it and me and dd do our own thing. But i just feel so hurt and upset for dd really. The only 1 full day a week our dd sees her dad is sat, so i feel very sad this is going to be taken away from her.

OP posts:

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 10/11/2006 11:07

by the way dsd is 14 years old so a little older i think that she should understand.

OP posts:

edam · 10/11/2006 11:09

I can understand his dd wanting to spend time on her own with her daddy. Everyone always advises this when kids are unhappy - spend some time alone with them, get your other half to take the other kids out etc. etc. She's not rejecting you and your dd, just asking for one day with her dad. Your dd has her daddy all to herself the rest of the time, sounds like step dd just wants this occasionally too.

edam · 10/11/2006 11:10

If she's 14 she might want to talk to her dad on his own - you remember how difficult things are at that age, I'm sure. There may be something that's troubling her and she wants a bit of privacy to talk about it.

PinkTinsel · 10/11/2006 11:12

tbh i think its perfectly normal for a daughter to want to spend time on her own with her dad. she only get to see him once every 14 days and when she does he's got his 'new' family in tow every time..... bit sad for her really. let her have some time with her dad and don't take it so personally.

hoolagirl · 10/11/2006 11:15

She want's her brother there as well, so surely she can't want to talk about anything too personal and if dd is 16 months then she's not going to spill the bean on the gossip !
I don't think its a bad idea if its a one off, but if its going to be fairly regular then I would insist that your dd be included also.
I would also insist on being there myself, but thats me...!

hoolagirl · 10/11/2006 11:17

Or spend the morning or afternoon out with their dad and the rest of the day with it being all of you?
Sorry, never been in the situation (fingers crossed) so feel free to ignore!

soapbox · 10/11/2006 11:18

I think it is perfectly natural that they should want some time together without his new family being there.

It is only 1 day out of a fortnight which I think is quite fair considering your DD sees her Dad the rest of the time.

As for feeling upset for your DD, she is only 16mo, and won't have a clue about what is going on.

OTOH, I can understand why you might feel upset. It sounds to me like you have worked very hard to make your DSD and DSS part of your new family and it must be very hard for you that after all you've tried to do, they still want time on their own. However, I would try not to view it like that - you've clearly done a great job but it is just that they were a family before you came along, and I think it is fair of them to want a little bit of that now and again!

Would it work for them to go off for half a day so they spend some time with you and DD as well? Or maybe one day a month, so that the other Saturday they are with you is a 'new family' day?

gigglinggoblin · 10/11/2006 11:21

could she maybe see him an extra evening just her and her brother? maybe they could go out for a meal or something a bit more grown up?

i would also be gutted if i was in your situation, but it sounds like a very small amount of contact he has with his kids and if there is always a toddler around she probably gets very little quality time with her dad. i know how hard it is to do stuff with my older kids when my 2 year old is there!

sykes · 10/11/2006 11:21

I have a friend who is in her 30s now and has a wonderful relationship with her father and step-mother but does say that she wishes that her step-mother wasn't always included in everything that they do - she wished and still wishes that she had and has just time with her father. She's an incredibly bright, balanced woman and, as I said, has a fantastic relationship with her step-mother. Don't take it personally, but I'm sure it must be hard not to.

Freckle · 10/11/2006 11:29

What were the contact arrangements before you came on the scene? If she was used to spending the day with just her dad and her brother, it must be hard to have to include other people in that arrangement. To be fair, she has gone along with this for quite some time and I do think she is entitled to ask for time with her dad without his new family being there.

Be flattered that she asked her dad rather than just making life so horrible on contact days that you'd rather not be there. She is 14 and, believe me, that is an entirely feasible scenario.

tarantula · 10/11/2006 11:43

Hi pandagirl03

I'm in a similar situation with dss (15) and while it hurts alot as I've known him since he was 2 I can understand where he is coming from in one way. As dd has got older she has needed more attention and it can be very distracting to have a little kid round when you are trying to do things eg play computer etc and this has lead to tension and jealousy. young toddlers need a lot of looking after and it is very difficult to give attention to other kids when they are around.

I think if I were you I'd tell dp that thsi needs discussion and talk everything through carefully. I think the idea of them spending either a morning or afternoon together might be a good one rather than the whole day.

Mumpbump · 10/11/2006 11:59

Well, I have always insisted on my dh having time by himself with his children from time to time. He does collect and drop them off, so he gets that time, but I don't really think that is quality time. Mind you, I quite like having the time to myself anyway!

Original poster

pandagirl03 · 10/11/2006 12:11

Hello and thank you for all your replys. I guess me and dp need to talk about it. The trouble with dsd is that she does things in a very sly way, and instead of her saying it infront of both of us she wont. She will text her dad knowing he is at work. I all understand your points about dd being younger and so she might not want to be around her doing toddler things etc but dss is only 5 years old and has alot of trantrums so cant see this being a reason. Maybe i should just let them get on with it and me and dd spend a nice day together. But i do still feel very hurt by this. thanks for all your replys.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 10/11/2006 14:29

I don't think she was sly in contacting her dad, tbh. It's him she wants to see, after all. She's still a kid and I think you should give her some slack.

Surfermum · 10/11/2006 21:32

I don't think it was sly either. Maybe she didn't want to say anything in front of you so as not to upset you?

I don't think it's a reflection on you, try not to feel hurt by it. I know my dsd loves time on her own with her Dad (not that she'll ever admit it as it's not cool), and we always try to make sure she gets some. The way I look at it is I'm "just" her step-mum, but he's her Dad. It's different. Dd and I get to be with him for the best part of 3 weeks on our own, she is with him for 2 days and has to share him with us. So I don't begrudge them time together without us.

Try not to feel upset, I'm sure it isn't personal .

WhizzBangCaligula · 10/11/2006 21:45

What's sly about sending a text message? She's a teenager, that's their lingua franca. TBH I think you sound a bit insecure. It really isn't unusual for a kid to want to spend some time alone with her dad and it is so normal for them to use texting as their first port of call. (Someone I know was telling me today about her DD texting her in the kitchen from her bedroom! Lazy little troll. ) I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt rather than imputing to her motives she probably doesn't have.

HappyMumof2 · 13/11/2006 13:32

Message withdrawn

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