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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Protocol on birthday cards etc

23 replies

Workitbabe · 19/05/2015 07:16

Morning. Me and dp together 18 months living together for 6. Dd's birthday last month and we both signed her card. Dp's sons birthday today and dp has done his own thing with the card. Feel a bit detached and wondering what others do.

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6LittleOnes · 19/05/2015 07:22

Dh signs dss birthday cards from all of us.

MuttonCadet · 19/05/2015 07:24

If you're living together I think the card should be from all of you (just for god sake don't sign it "mum" )

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 19/05/2015 07:27

When I didn't live with dp he done his own thing and I'd buy a card 'for someone special' or something along those lines. Now we live together he signs son/daughter cards from us both.

But shit though if it's one rule for you and one for him though. Just ask him see what he says. Maybe he hasn't realised.

Original poster

Workitbabe · 19/05/2015 07:38

Thanks all. Feel a bit naffed off about it really but I guess this is one of the hurdles of families coming together. Finding it hard. DP thinks the sun shines out if his ds2's arse in my view. But thats another thread lol.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 19/05/2015 09:51

I think if you're living together then you sign joint cards - birthdays, Christmas, whatever. We've done them joint since we moved in together (and get the other kids to sign too usually if they're around)

But I guess your DP maybe wasn't thinking it through and just did as he's always done.

Melonfool · 19/05/2015 10:47

Yes, we did separate until we lived together then we changed to one card signed by both (or both names put in by one of us, though I tend to insist it is him who writes it - I can't write 'Dad and Mel' it feels wrong).

But he also signs my name on cards to his mum that say 'to mum', which again seems odd though I know it's normal in most families (my family don't really bother with birthdays at all).

We do sometimes buy separate presents, but only if I see something I think dss would really like and buy it myself. At Christmas we tend to agree on the 'big' present which dp pays for, then I buy all the bits and pieces and dp pays me back something like 50% of what I paid, done at a guess, not an exact bill.

We don't have presents and cards in the joint budget so we do them on a case by case basis paid for by the person whose family/friend they are (though we paid for his mum's 80th from our joint account for some reason).

hoobygalooby · 19/05/2015 12:08

We buy separate cards. Because it just feels weird signing cards saying to ‘son’ or ‘daughter’ for the DSC.
So the parent buys a son or daughter card and the step parent just buys a generic birthday card and signs it from them and the other kids.

I think it’s nice for the kids to have cards that are just from their one parent.

thepurplehen · 19/05/2015 12:48

We do joint cards but dp will write his kids cards and I'll write for mine.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 19/05/2015 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gofuckyourself · 19/05/2015 13:31

I do all the cards. I sign them from both of us. If I didn't the children would never get anything because my husband is hopeless at remembering his own birthday let alone anyone else's.
Let's be honest no one cares about the card really they just want the present.

Melonfool · 19/05/2015 14:03

dp doesn't tend to buy them, I do. As you say he never remembers, thus dss doesn't get a special 'son' card, usually something humorous.

He gets a 'son' one from his mum and stepdad though - this year's was so big and padded that it came in a box of its own. I doubt the stepdad even saw it to be honest. We've done his birthday three years in a row now (this year being a sleepover with 7 other teen lads) and I have told dp that next year she is definitely doing it!

Original poster

Workitbabe · 19/05/2015 22:41

Thanks ladies. This was a 16th birthday card. Would never write in one that said son on it- just not right.

OP posts:

truthwithin · 20/05/2015 00:20

We get separate cards for Dsd11. I from Dad, 1 from step brothers/ sisters.

I have only just realised everything is / organised, paid for, made super happy by me.

My name goes on nothing.

ThatBloodyWoman · 20/05/2015 00:37

Its from Dad and ThatBloodyWoman.
Never really worried about it saying 'son' as he is my (step)son.

FaithLoveandHope · 20/05/2015 17:42

Have never thought about fact card says Son tbh. As others have said, I used to buy "to someone special" but when we moved in together DP just writes from Dad and Faith. I'd be really miffed in your situation. But perhaps your DP just didn't think? Have you spoken to him about it?

swingofthings · 20/05/2015 18:04

We've always done cards separately, but then I think so did I when I was with their dad. I think when it comes to birthday cards and kids, the more the merrier. Also, I like to write something a bit soppy in it (I am not usually so I know they like it despite their faces!), and I don't think it would be appropriate for my DH to sign that!

Original poster

Workitbabe · 20/05/2015 22:42

Evening all. Not spoken to him no. It is dd1's birthday this Saturday so wondering if I may bring it up in relation to that.

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Melonfool · 20/05/2015 22:45

I really doubt he meant anything by it, so just having a chat and saying you would prefer to do things jointly should be enough.

I did that when we moved in together, dp just does't think about the wider implications of things whereas I lay awake all night worrying about what every tiny thing will be interpreted as!

Original poster

Workitbabe · 21/05/2015 22:44

Lol melon. You were right. I asked him about what we should do about cards and we will write them from both of us for everyone. He said I worry too much!

OP posts:

Melonfool · 23/05/2015 00:47

Exactly what dp says to me, as he drops off to sleep leaving me wide awake and chewing my nails!

But, in fact, it is good to think it through as sometimes a small thing done without thinking can really upset a child, especially if they are not 100% secure in a situation already.

DPs are lucky to have us!

AmyElliotDunne · 30/05/2015 18:00

Melon, you're right, it's the little things they do without thinking which can cause issues.

I usually write them from me, DP and the kids to my DCs. He doesn't usually bother with birthday cards for his kids (just lots of presents!) so not an issue, but if I'm helping out for his nieces I will buy one and write it from all of us, but it's difficult with wider family as I don't want to take on the wifework writing cards to his family from all of us, but if I don't then I'm sure he would leave us off and just write from him and his DCs without thinking and then wonder why I feel left out. His family don't buy xmas/bday gifts for my DCs bt my family do for his.

His ex puts messages on FB wishing happy birthday to her DDs from mummy, daddy and DSis, so wouldn't be surprised if she signs cards like that too but that's a whole other thread!

Melonfool · 30/05/2015 19:18

Dp's ex puts a message on fb wishing dss happy birthday - so to the world she looks like SuperMum, but in fact this year she only bothered to see him for ten minutes on his birthday weekend and gave him some clothes. I dunno but I think a 14 year old might be slightly bored by clothes as a birthday gift.

We hosted his sleepover and took him for a day's motorcross with his dad (I went and took photos and sorted the lunch). Oh well.

Twinstar29 · 31/05/2015 08:12

DP and I always give one card to DSD, which we both sign. He'll sort her main present(s), but I usually get her an extra something just from me - mainly because we have different gift styles. He'll buy things he knows she wants or has asked for, I like to give at least one presents that's a surprise.

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