... and breathe

[Fooso]

What a thankless task it really is. My DSDs have lived with us for 3 years, I sold my house that I loved so we could get a bigger house.. and I've been like a mum to them and generally we get on great (mums in a home). Anything they ask me I do.. I asked youngest DSD to put her dirty clothes in wash instead of building up in bottom of wardrobe and DP says "youre always on at her!" would that be when Im buying her first bra? or plaiting her hair!!! etc ... He is good dad don't get me wrong but he is the apple of her eye and I can't say anything to her!! grrrRR. I said to him "3 years I've helped you raise them and that's what you think of me"! p.s once I calmed down and spoke to DSD she did admit she's been in his ear whinging about me sometimes, but when I asked what I asked her to do what unreasonable (e.g. brush teeth etc) she said nothing. Just feel down that after everything I give that is what I get

Poor you
It is a thankless task. I think the hardest thing of all is that you are good for all the donkey work – washing, cooking etc but get no reward (or even acknowledgement) for it. Every other weekend I bend over backwards for my DSC but as soon as I dare to criticise anything about them I’m the big baddie. Yet it is OK for DP to moan about my dc doing the exact same thing as the DSC.

In that case I'm 'always on' at my own kids because asking them to put their dirty washing where it should go is exactly the sort of thing I say to them (and 1001 other similar reminders).

Presumably, given the circumstances, your DP would actually prefer you to treat them 'as if they were your own' - and chivvying kids along is part and parcel of normal parent/child relationships (where parents are actually parenting that is).

Maybe he'd prefer the stinky clothes to remain languishing in the deepest darkest corners of her room so that sooner or later she'll have no clean clothes to wear ?

Or alternatively, maybe she'd like to take on the responsibility of washing these clothes herself, in which case you'll have no cause to go 'on at her' as they'll no longer be any of your concern ?!

What an ungrateful man ..... the third option is of course that he takes over washing duties (which I'm assuming you do ATM) seeing as you're obviously not doing it 'right' .....

I explained I'm only doing what all mums do! though to be fair their mum was useless (acoholic) and my own ds is nagged constantly

Step-parenting tends to feel 'thankless' when the DH - parent of the DSC - gives no moral support or backing to the DSM.

DP says "you're always on at her!" should be "thanks for letting me know, I'll have words with DD and make sure she bucks her ideas up."

...spoke to DSD she did admit she's been in his ear whinging about me sometimes should be "no, DD it's not acceptable to whinge on about Fooso - start showing her a little more respect and gratitude!"

He may be a "good father" but he is allowing a wedge to be driven between you and his DD because of his lack of respect for you. on your behalf. You sound like a great DSM

I think I upset dp on Friday cos I outright told him that if I knee then what I know now I would have walked away at the start and kept things as just friends.

Yes, I know how you feel.

We've been having a difficult time with dss (I'm not married to his dad, so dss is shorthand, but I don't consider myself his stepmother) where he has been suspended from school, found with hard core porn on his phone, stolen something and reported his stepdad to social services. Amongst other things too tedious to mention.

He's 14.

Now, all this obviously comes from a place of attention seeking and I am intelligent enough to know that. But I am incapable of having enough input to really help put anything right - it is his birth parents who need to do that, but his mother doesn't seem to be very interested and DP is incapable of following through on any course of action we agree (having read some of the posts, I see this is a common theme!).

He is in the US this week for work, I was working at home today so dss was here this evening, we had various 'issues' which I have dealt with. DP texted later and asked how the day was, I told him and he started text-telling me how else I could deal with it. I texted him that if I am not to be trusted to take the decisions then maybe he shouldn't leave dss with me when he goes away. It's was fine, he apologised and said he was trying to help.

dss was OK later this evening, we had a nice time in front of the TV chatting. And he went to bed OK and even unpacked the shopping without being asked (this is almost unheard of). The issues were more logistical today...I feel like my whole life is a juggling of impossible logistics. (stepdad won't allow dss to take his bike back to their house because we bought it, but he uses it for school, so tomorrow he can't get to school. In the end we agreed he would cycle and tell SD that I said he had to. I gave him the bus fare too in case he didn't feel he could - but he can bus into school from us but not from us to his mum's as she lives further away and in a different direction).

Yes, thankless! I just try to hope he sees me like a sensible aunt or something.

Totally get where you are coming from, it's so hard at times I know but just be as open and you can and go with your gut instinct and what you feel is right. I get it most of the time too that I'm always getting at DSD but if my DH really looked at it a bit ore he knows Im right deep down. It's not a case of me winning I just want them to have good values and grow up to be good people. He is a good dad too but far to soft. I often say to him put the boot on the other foot and try and see it more from how you would feel. It hurts at times as we just try our best eh,, it will all sort itself out just be honest with yourself and talk lots xx
On mothers day recently after knowing the DSC for 9 years I didn't even get a card off them, we get on ok on the whole, they just forgot about me, went and got EXW a card obviously themselves. I just don't get any thought , hurt like hell and still does tbh. Xx

Yeah, no cards for me - dss didn't even get me anything for my birthday. OK, he wasn't with us that day but his dad could still have arranged something next time he was with us so he learns some consideration.

About a week after I said 'I didn't get any birthday wishes from you', to which he replied that he didn't know about my birthday (OK, it's up to his dad to remind him) but he still didn't say happy birthday. Luckily I'm not very fixated on birthdays and the mothers' day thing doesn't really bother me - but it does bother me when we're on holiday, which we take him on from our money, while his mother never takes him away, and he spends the whole time looking for presents for her and stepdad and I have to trail round shops after him while he decides what to buy with the money we give him....

I understand totally. If I ask dsd to NOT put her dirty clothes down the side of the bed or back in a drawer and actually bring them down for washing then I'm getting at her.

So I back off and then get accused of treating her different from my kids.

I get it in the neck twice, from my kids who thinks dsd gets the "princess rules" while they are expected to pick up after themselves and then from dsds mum as dsd goes home whining about how difficult I am.

Dp doesn't back me up, he thinks dsd shouldn't have to do a anything when she's here as she's a guest. Her mum wants her to have her own bedroom. My youngest is 9 and more capable and independent than dsd who is 12. Dp was still dressing her at 9 years old ffs!! What 9 year old needs to have an adult put their socks and shoes on for them? He's blind to her faults. Completely blind.

There are days I could walk away. Seriously. We have her for half term. I'm dreading it. I will be backing off as much as possible because to see an adult running around after a 12 year old, fawning all over her makes me cringe. Ironically he's not the same with his oldest, just the 12 year old.

So every time your dc say that dsc get "princess rules" remind them and yourself that learning responsibility, respect and manners is for their own benefit they will reap benefits later in life.

Your DH's parenting style is one that seeks quick but temporary gratification and does no favours to his child.

Take heart, your own dc wil make you proud later.

I know and he knows deep down but sees his dd so little that he won't rock the boat in case contact is cut completely. I do feel for him, his ex is being extremely unreasonable at the moment.

I think most SM's if they're being absolutely honest would say....never again!! If we'd all had a chrystal ball, we'd probably have avoided a man with DC like the plague!