This week has been hard...

[MsColouring]

Ds and Dss have both had birthdays this week. ds's 6th birthday was Thursday - DSS is normally with us on a Thursday after school - Ds was having a birthday tea - nothing major, just pizza and birthday cake with my parents round. But unfortunately, my dc couldn't be with DSS on his 9th birthday (yesterday) because it was their weekend with their dad. Dss got quite angry earlier in the week that he had to be there for Ds's birthday but my dc couldn't be there for his - but we only found this out from his mum.

So Thursday rolls around, Dss comes to us in a foul mood, has a strop over a toy that has been played with by my friend's children who were round before school. He also has a strop over a model belonging to my ds that was part of his birthday present (DP is into table top was gaming - Warhammer etc. - Ds's present was his own army - DSS is also into this). Dss sulks - DP tries to talk him round, he sulks some more in his bedroom. DP's ex phones to see if he was alright, DP spends what little time he has left before going out to a course he is doing talking to ex about Dss's behaviour. DSS won't come down for tea and when he does he plays up - refusing to sit and eat with us initally and when he does he's making snide comments towards Ds. Fortunately, most of this just washes over Ds. Dss disappeared after tea and sulked upstairs. For some reason, it was the texts from his mum that got to me the most, I felt like saying that right now my own Ds's feeling were more my concern.

TBH, once the kids had gone to bed I just sat down and cried. I felt like Dss had tried to sabotage DS's birthday - but equally, we feel we probably made some mistakes in our organisation which led to this.

One of the issues seems to be that Dss's mum has recently had a baby and Dss had been an only child before then. Feels like some of his resentment over this is being aimed at my ds.

Dss's birthday all went off fine yesterday - me and dp met with his mum etc. for birthday celebrations and dss had a great time. Tbh, part of me felt a bit jealous that all went off without any problems and then I felt completely shitty about myself for feeling that.

So much soul searching happening now. We are wondering if we are doing it all wrong. Hoping it is not going to be the same story every year!

Sounds like dss is struggling to understand where he fits into both families.

whilst I understand your hurt and upset, you have a scared little boy on your hands who is hurting a whole hell of a lot more than you are.

your dh needs to sit down and talk to him (and probably his ex too) and reassure him that he is loved and wanted and that he will always have a place in your family.

I think the simple question is why didn't you have a small joint birthday party on Thursday? Or if you weren't going to do that, why didn't DH say something to DSS before the party started that you all will celebrate his birthday next Thursday when all the siblings and stepsiblings would be home? Its not as if the two birthday's crept on the both of you and the contact schedule.

It could have diffused some of the situation. He was already having a bad day if he was already stoppy when he came ovr. Maybe a moment for DH to talk to him and ask what is making him unhappy could have helped.

Going to do a 'birthday tea' for dss here tomorrow so they can all celebrate that together.

We've got a few things we need to sort through. DP has had long chats with Dss about how he is feeling. He has spoken to his ex about dss being jealous of his baby brother but not quite sure how much has sunk in.

DP is keen to give dss some 1-1 time and we are even thinking about starting to have 'family meetings' where we can talk through some of the issues. It would probably help if he could be here for whole weekends but his mum always insists he needs to be back for Sundays.

Usually Ds and Dss get on really well (although they don't really admit it) so it's sad to see this resentment.

As for Ds - he's just been given an xbox for his birthday from his dad - which I wouldn't have a problem with if I thought dd would get something of equivalent value for her birthday in 6 weeks time (but that's a whole other issue!)

Very insecure little boy - got messed around by the adults, probably not intentionally but in his mind, he was treated badly.

New baby brother at home - lack of attention, feels left out and pushed out.

Made to go to his step brothers birthday, who is 3 yrs younger and gets an Xbox( appreciate it came form your EX) but if he does not have one, that really will rub salt in a festering wound for a 9 yr old boy.Who gave it will be irrelevant.

His Dad did not handle it well on the day am sure his mum knows he is feeling pushed out. ( the comment - not sure how much has sunk in - is just a bit unnecessary)

No one is reciprocating and comes to his birthday.Good that it went well and your and DH turned up and made him feel wanted.

v insecure little boy, who only sees the adults prioritising your DS and his new DS. As all the adults seem to be communicating v well, which is good - they need to work out a strategy to help him feel secure.