Help me keep an inner sense of calm

[IceniMist]

One stepchild lives 50% with us. They finished college last May and have had a handful of part time jobs that never gave many hours. Think kitchen washer upper. Other family members got them these roles. Currently working cash in hand and has only worked one day this week.

We have spent hours helping, offering to pay travel expenses for apprenticeships etc. Nothing has changed.

Starting to feel resentful and pissed off. They are currently in their bedroom and will do anything unless I ask them to e.g vaccum. I'm even more annoyed because DH knew they had no work today but didn't mention it until he left this morning, asking me to give them house hold chores. Same thing happened Tuesday. I am always left being the evil stepmother. I wfm some days.

I've done talking about these issues with them both. How can I remain calm and not be wound up that there is a 19 year to old sat playing on their computer today.

I feel mean just writing that because they are both nice people.

I feel your pain, if that's any help at all, my DH is, I'm pretty sure deliberately avoiding tell me when his eldest is coming home from Uni for good as I get so stressy about it.

He has a long term plan (which I hope will come off) but in the short term I know DSS will just play computer games, go to the gym and very grudgingly occasionally help his Dad wash up if I've cooked. Won't do own washing, won't tidy up after himself and eats all the food.

And yes, they are both nice people, but if I allow it to it winds me up awfully. And I keep the inner calm by leaving it all for his dad to do. So I'm uncaring wife rather than beating my head against a brick wall evil stepmum.

But...it goes against the grain to come home from ft work to find the washing machine still full of wet clothes, the cat not fed, what was for tea eaten and dishes all over the kitchen.

I go out for a run.

Now I have sunken into a foul mood.

A relative gives out a sum of money for a certain object when kids reach a certain age. DH and I have agreed for sometime that we would hold this back until DSC has a job. DSC threw a hissy fit last night, and DH has told him he can have it. DSC spent the whole day sat in the arm chair while I worked, cooked, looked after my DD. How can I not feel resentful that I have been sidelined? DH had another 'talk' with DSC but it's the same talk he always has and then he leaves it until I start to 'nag'.

Don't know how to change the situation as we go round in circles and I'm the driver of it.

don't cook/clean etc for dsc. let him do it for himself. if anyone comments on it then tell them you are not there to be used and abused and without some giving from the other person there will be no 'taking' from you. and then stick to it

Stop doing his laundry. If his stuff is around the house gather it up, chuck it in his room and shut the door.

Obviously cook enough for the all of you but leave the clearing up for your DH to do or delegate.

Discuss with your DH how household chores should be shared.

Ask your DSC on a regular basis when he plans to get a proper job and start living like an adult.

You need to list all the chores everyone does and then sit down as a family and write a rota. He should be doing his own laundry and cooking once a week also. Don't remind them. Explain that if chores are incomplete you will both remove WIFI/console the following day.

DH does his washing.

We use to do WiFi removal but at 19? He'll simply say he needs it to job hunt.

I'm so pissed off DH rewarded his lack of effort going back on what we agreed. I'd love to take him and his girlfriend away on a break with us but at the moment I just want him to move out.

Are 19 year olds like this? My sister works with young adults and says it is.

It's not really the kids fault is it? It's DH. Mine won't enforce any kind of chores on his. I think he's taking the piss, DH still thinks of him as his baby.

What would you rather do, come home and live in what is effectively and All Inclusive Hotel, or actually help out? He's picked the AI option.

I suspect all the grown ups are enabling his present behaviour.

Yes I think wifi removal at 19 is fine. He can always get his lazy arse down to the library and look for jobs using a library computer (like the good old days!). If he REALLY wants to look for jobs using home wifi, he will quickly learn to complete his chores quicker to enable this.

Also stop cooking for him unless he's completed his chores. You are not a hotel, he needs to be part of the team or opt out

I think rather then nagging, you need to sit down with DH first (then the boys) and explain that the hotel maid no longer works. You won't cook or clean for them, you won't nag them about chores, won't drive them anywhere, won't give them pocket money or wifi access or birthday/Xmas gifts either and instead they will have to fend for themselves totally. Alternatively they can opt in and be part of the team and happily pull their weight according to a new rota.

Their birthday and Xmas money can be put towards a cleaner

I was like this at 19. I'm very hardworking now!

The problem is that you take it personally because you don't love your DSCs. I suspect when your own child gets to this stage, you will be more forgiving. And that's not fair really.

Ask them to do jobs. Give them a list. If jobs are done, you will cook for them, give lifts etc. If not, then you won't. But remain detached, don't nag. They will sort themselves out in time and gain their focus. I think we often forget how overwhelming life can be at this age.

You can't punish a 19 year old adult by withholding the wifi IMO.

19 year olds eh? dp's ds1 is 19 and pretty much the same. He finishes college at the end of this week, and then what I asked him!!?? Upstairs in his fucking pit of a room gaming no doubt.
He used to wash up at his dad's flat but since moving in here 6 months ago, has done nothing to help out. DP doesn't help by doing everything for him which drives me mad as I try to encourage my 8 and 12 year olds to be more self sufficient!

Feel Your pain too,,, at 19 I would do no cleaning etc at all,, it's totally up to them to do for themselves. I love my house and it's clean not a show house but lived in but things are in their place etc to a degree, however with DSC who are 12 and 15 I don't enter their rooms at all really. It pains me as I know how much of a mess they are. I tell them to tidy their rooms from time to time as I want them to have good values in life and be clean etc. but it falls on deaf ears most of the time so I just leave it to them and DH to sort out and block that side of the house off in my Brain. When it comes to cleaning up downstairs I will be more vocal if they leave a mess etc as it affects everyone else. They don't do enough by far with cleaning chores etc when they come to stay every other weekend, but I have just learned to keep my mouth shut or I look like the big bad wolf. DH will tell them from time to time but not enough for my liking. DSD who is the older one at 15 coming on 16 soon will always have an answer for everything to get out of it and it gives me palpitations lol,,, just go with your gut instinct,, you can't go too far wrong then xxx

" I suspect when your own child gets to this stage, you will be more forgiving. "

My DD is a lot younger and I'm not so forgiving..

So far I have taught my DD to be independent. She can:
Prepare simple meals for herself
Wash up
Load/Programme/Unload washing machine
Hoover
Wash Car
Serve customers at her uncles business
Pump tyres to correct pressure on the car
Feeds and grooms cat
Folds puts ways clothes etc

DSD can't do any of the above.

DD is 7, DSD 12

The difference between them is one parent enables their child whilst the other does not.

So pissed off. dsd 19 been here all morning and now gone out (fair play to his part time job) but his room is a pit. Windows closed and it stinks. Clothes all over the floor. Empty glasses. Drawers left open.

Will be having a chat later.

I work so hard to keep the place clean and tidy ffs.