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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parenting/not liking your partners children...

44 replies

philly1969 · 10/05/2015 22:57

Hi there,

I am in a 6 month relationship, I have been single for 10 years. I have 2 children of my own a girl nearly 16 and a boy 13.... My partner is a single Dad bringing up a 14 year old boy and an 8 year old girl... he has been on his own with them for 3 years and they only see their Mum every other week after school pick up until they go to school the next morning, and they have to see her seperately because she feels she cant give them equal attention....My partner is sociable and friendly when he meets new people and can hold a good conversation etc.... The children however have no social graces at all!! I took them all to a quiz night locally to me and while we were all (including my partner) have fun and joining in, his 2 were literally glued to mobile phones all night, they didnt join in at all, and if someone spoke to them the 14 year old ignored them and the 8 year old either said a random word or barked like a dog! They are both in my opinion rude to me, and this makes my 2 upset...Dont get me wrong my 2 are not perfect by any means, but they have manners and know how to behave socially! We have been to stay this weekend and the 14 year old was literally glued to his laptop all weekend... we decided to play a board game and unless it was his turn he sat with his laptop on his lap!! the amount of times I asked him to please put it away so we could all be involved in the game and in the end he said it wasnt on, he was just literally sitting with it open staring at a blank screen! The 8 year old has NO table manners at all... in fact neither of them have... but for example.... she wipes her funny nose or sorts out a bogie using her tongue... it makes me feel sick! I am 46 years old and dont like these children!! what am I going to do? I really have fallen in love with this man..... I spoke to him this evening about how I was feeling, and his answer was that one day they will all leave home and we can properly start to enjoy our lives... there are NO plans for us all to live together at this stage, although we both do feel very strongly about each other if there were no children on his side (or like weekend visits etc) we would be living together I am sure! I cant talk to my friends about this, as I have been alone for so long and everyone is so happy for me to be happy.... plus I do not want anyone to judge the realtionship! any advice would be welcome!! :(

OP posts:

juneau · 11/05/2015 09:13

The thing is that parents with resident DC come as a package. If it was just you and him, or you and him and your kids, maybe it would all be fine. But a single dad who has his kids living with him FT is most definitely 'a package deal' and its not going to work if you only like one of the three people in that package! You live separately and have no plans to move in, so how long do you think you'll be okay with that arrangement, since you know already that all of you living under one roof would be disastrous? DC nowadays regularly live at home until they are well into their 20s and the DD is only eight, so how long are you and he prepared to wait for your life together to begin?

fortunately · 11/05/2015 09:15

I wouldn't want to spend another minute with someone who didn't like my kids anyway.

He may be thinking the same as you.

Duckdeamon · 11/05/2015 09:40

8 is really quite small still.

Original poster

philly1969 · 11/05/2015 14:27

Thank you all for your input... not sure I appreciate the swearing.... or being told I am horrible, If I was horrible then surely I wouldnt care at all? Thats why I posted this, to get some constructive and helpful advice from people that may have been in the same position.. I owe @whiskwarrior an apology, having re read you are right I did say those things, so I am sorry about that x I am not a nasty or bad person, I have been on my own all this time because I didnt ever want my 2 to have a succession of "uncles" in their life.... now I have found someone I care about... maybe I have too big expectations of us becoming the Brady bunch! I dont think he is a "shit Dad" I think he has had a really hard time, and although it shouldnt be it just is harder for a man than a woman.... I wont go into detail about the Mum, but I DO know, I actually knew before we were involved so what he told me was old news..... and she really has been awful to those kiddies.... so maybe I should cut them some slack.... the original post was written after a frustrating visit.... I guess I have grown with my children and have left the silliness that is an 8 year old behind... I feel there has been a lot of over compensating going on, its hard being good cop bad cop..... neither of us were looking when we met as he too has dedicated his life to his children... maybe I just want it too much and my expectations are too high. Anyway, I will leave this now.... thank you x

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 11/05/2015 14:53

More excuses eh OP? Your choice, can't say you haven't been warned.

Original poster

philly1969 · 11/05/2015 14:54

I know.... :( xxx

OP posts:

Smellyoulateralligator · 11/05/2015 15:35

It's not good for his kids to be around people who dislike them. It's only been a short relationship- maybe you're both better off apart?

Chippednailvarnish · 11/05/2015 15:59

You might me feeling sad, but frankly its going to be nothing like the misery those poor children are going to suffer, with a crap parent and a potential step parent who doesn't like them. The more you write the more of a wanna be martyr you sound.

Pagwatch · 11/05/2015 16:11

Tbh it shouldn't be anything to do with 'good cop bad cop'
You don't know the children. If you take them to a quiz night and they sit on their phones that is for him to deal with.
At this stage it's literally none of your business.

Pagwatch · 11/05/2015 16:13

And, think about it, if he is 'making up' to his children because their mother truthfully is a shit parent, how is he accomplishing that by not setting boundaries and not dealing with, what you see as, major issues?

He should be creating a solid stable environment.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/05/2015 16:44

You have no right playing any sort of cop!

You don't know these kids. They aren't your business. You need to work on your boundaries.

swingofthings · 11/05/2015 19:21

Your problem OP is that you have probably work hard to have children who have turned out into happy and well behaved teenagers, so spending time with teenagers who are...not like your kids is like a slap in your face.

I can totally understand that, however, you don't seem to be accepting that you are lucky to have such lovely children, but that the normality is probably closer to how your partner's kids behave than yours. It doesn't make them monsters or anything. Most likely, if they are the way they are, it is because they lack confidence and self-esteem and the more you are going to treat them like unloveable teenagers unlike your perfect children, the more inadequate they will feel and the more they will reject you.

If you love that man, then accept that he loves his kids as they are and that you have no right to make him feel differently. If he doesn't mind the way they behave, then that is his right. If you can't accept them as they are, at best working very hard at not showing what you think of them, then accept that you will indeed have to wait until they have moved on to share your life 24/24 with the man you love.

Please don't let yourself think you have a right to try to make them the children you think they should be. Not only is it wrong, but it will only make everyone miserable.

Tryharder · 11/05/2015 23:43

swingofthings has nailed it IMO.

They are different to your kids. They may be less sociable than your kids, not as well mannered but they are still people in their own right.

Your DP may or may not be a good parent- not everyone is as good a parent as you obviously are, OP.

Can you really find nothing nice or endearing about them? If not, do yourself and then a favour and walk away.

LaLyra · 12/05/2015 22:26

You want to be with a man whose response to his children having no social skills is "one day they'll move out"? Seriously not only is it ridiculous to suggest you wait until that day to enjoy your life, but what kind of life is he setting his children up for?

LaLyra · 12/05/2015 22:27

Although teenagers and 8 year olds can both be pretty grim. So you need to work out if they are just being typical and you are overreacting to then or if there is an issue with his parenting.

Timri · 13/05/2015 00:19

You've known them 5 minutes, can't stand them, and asked the father of there's something wrong with one of them.
You've told your partner how you feel, and he's told you not worry because they'll move out at some point and then your life can begin.
You will not take any advice from anyone here, you will just keep seeing them as awful, while thinking he is the best thing since sliced bread, totally ignoring that his parenting has likely influenced any lack of manners from their part.
Any decent father would run a mile from you tbh.
Those poor, poor kids

swingofthings · 13/05/2015 06:03

totally ignoring that his parenting has likely influenced any lack of manners from their part.
We don't know that. As it has been suggested before, these children might have experienced difficult times and their behaviour might be a reflection of deeper issues. He might be doing is best to undo harm that has been done before. He might be an excellent father to realise that bringing OP into it would only do more damage, so even though he might also be desperate to share his life with OP, he might be realistic that this won't happen unless she can accept that it would mean moving with him AND them, and that the only alternative might be for them to continue to see each other separately until a time that all the children are independent.

KarmaNoMore · 13/05/2015 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2boys2girls · 13/05/2015 23:53

You should move on if you dislike his children, if my dp had said he disliked my children I'd have shown him the door and he'd fallen out of it with my boot up his backside

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