Still struggling with the whole step mum thing, feeling very unappreciated and undervalued

[Peppapigsbitch]

I've been in DSD's life for 4 years, since she turned 1 (she's 5 now). Over this time her behaviour and attitude to me has gotten progressively worse but only when DP is around.

Up until a year ago DP was more or less resident parent, we were having her 4/5 nights per week, her mum has since moved 60 miles away and has taken DSD with her. We now have her every weekend and go over one night every week to take her out fr her dinner (which we can ill afford)

I get on well with DSD and feel as though I have a good relationship with her but only when DP isn't around. When he is in the equation she turns into an absolute nightmare!! She will scream and shout and me for no apparent reason, refuse to do anything she's told, she is rude to friends and acquaintances e.g it was her birthday recently and we took her to our neighbours to say thank you for her presents, she refused to say thank you and stood with her head down, bottom lip out glaring at our neighbour. She gets plenty of attention from DP, they will go for walks together, he will sit and play with her on the floor etc, it's just like a switch flips inside her head, she will just turn but is aggressive and violent, will hit out at her little sister when she was sat playing nicely with her before DP came in.

If DP isn't around, she's like a different child! This makes me quite aware the the problem therefore lies with him and his lax approach to discipline, he is so inconsistent depending on his mood and his ability to tolerate her behaviour. Don't get me wrong I think that she's used to having her own way quite a lot, well I know she's used to having her own way a lot.

I'm just so sick of being spoken to like crap and DP not bothering to discipline her for it, I feel like I'm sounding smug when I say to him that she behaves well for me but when he's in the equation she just changes immediately, many of our friends and family have noticed this also. When she's here I do everything for her, cooking, washing, buying her clothes because her mum has sent her in ones that don't fit, bathing, bedtime routine etc (DP is a farmer and it's a pretty full on job esp at the moment) and more or less always have done. I'm trying to encourage her to tidy her toys up and start making her bed and put her clothes in the wash basket and rubbish in the bin which I don't think is a big ask for a 5 YO and he completely undermines me by leaving clothes everywhere, leaving his rubbish all over the place, not putting anything back where it belongs etc.

help!!

Will also mention that at least once a week I will make the 110 mile round journey to pick DSD up or drop her off using my car, my fuel, my insurance, my time etc with no monetary input from DP and not even a thank you because her DM won't do her fair share with regards to travelling, in fact asks for petrol money for dropping off or picking up her OWN DAUGHTER whereas I have to do it for free?!

You are no undervalued and unappreciated as a stepmother you are undervalued and unappreciated as a partner!

Your DP is the issue and not DSD but I think you know that. Your DP needs to take more of a parental role and frankly you need to stop doing so much! If he wants to see his DD then he should travel and he should pay. If he is happy to pay the ex petrol money then fine but why should you have to do it for free?

Your DP s using you and you are letting him. That needs to stop you are not a nanny christ if you were he would have to pay you

The issues will continue as long as you allow your DP to dump all of his responsibilities on you.

I think you're right that the problem probably lies with your DP's disciplining (or lack of) But is it also that you're reluctant to discipline her when her dad's around? If she behaves when it's just you, she must understand how to behave, but for some reason doesn't think this applies when her dad is there. Would your DP back you up if you did tell her off in front of him? That might be something to work on if he won't initiate it himself.

Is DSD's younger sister your new child? Is she jealous of her maybe, and feeling a need to punish her dad for the fact that she now sees a lot less of him and his new child sees more? Maybe she's more willing to share you, but feels she owns her dad?

That's a bit harsh to say that the DP is using the OP as an unpaid nanny.

They have children together and the OP's daughter is this little girl's half sister. So why suggest that they have really nothing to do with each other.

I would suggest that your SD is playing up around her dad for attention. I would ignore the bad behaviour personally. At the very least you need to speak to your DP and discuss how you can deal with it as a united front.

Where does it say they have children together??

I never suggested they have nothing to do with each other I said he needs to do more of the parental responsibilities because he is her father. The OP has to drive 110 miles to collect HIS DD and he contributes nothing to the cost yet he will pay the exes travel costs

He is treating the OP like an unpaid nanny. The OP is dong the bulk of the parenting and at the end of the day that is her DP's responsibility.

I just wanted to say that my DS is the same age and the behaviour you've described is very similar to what we experience.
He is an angel for my mum or DH, he is usually ok if it's just me, but when he has to share me he often behaves like a little sod.

It's all about wanting your DH's attention.
Does he get to spend any time alone with her?

Hmm - I have a great niece aged 8 who is an absolute angel with me (couldn't wish for a nicer child, happy, polite, etc) and with other people, but the minute she sees her mom, it's like flicking a switch - she turns into a whining brat. Her mom is really lovely as well and I feel so sorry for her that her DD is like this and she's awful if her mom and nan are together. They both adore her but she just plays them both up more or less all the time. The obvious answer seems to be she doesn't get enough attention from them but I think she does anyway.

I think your DSD might have the confidence to play up with you when her dad's around, if that makes sense. I think kids tend to play up with those that they know they can, which is why many kids are angels at school and terrors at home. I know there's the step parenting issue as well - please don't think I'm being critical (I'm a SP but thank god they are grown with their own families now - wouldn't want to go back to that!) but I don't think discipline is the answer, not with a 5 year old. I think probably ignoring is best, though easy to say that. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you really feel about the situation. I used to bend my friend's ear for hours but it kept me sane!

Why doesn't your DH do the pickups and drop-offs? Because of the farm? I think it's a bit unfair for you to have to shoulder the expense of it. We're in a similar situation where my dh's ex has moved about 150 miles away. She agreed recently to share the drive but is now trying to back out

poppy that's horrendous!! 300 mile round trip, 110 miles is bad enough! I just feel for everything that I do he could at least try and show me some thanks and respect and teach DSD to show the same and not shout and bawl and hit out at me as I don't think its acceptable, she's not a toddler anymore!! I think if you move a significant distance away from you DC'S other parent then the least you should does half of the travelling!!

You need to remind him to stop taking you for granted! As for the ex sharing the travelling, I think you will be fighting a losing battle there. If she's anything like my DH's is ex she play the 'well if he doesn't want to make the effort with his daughter then fine blah blah'

Oh yes the using the kids as a weapon line "if you want to see her then you come and pick her up" but you can guarantee that if It was us who had moved away she would be demanding that we did every pick up and drop off as she is now! Can't win
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I think the OP, has 'allowed' this situation to develop by just being 'too available'! If you weren't in the picture OP, what would he do, find the time to go get his daughter and care for her, or just not bother with her? Don't you have a job, don't you have other family/friends you want to spend time with? You are not her mother, but he is her father, it's his job to look after her and any help you give is simply a bonus...for which he should be very grateful!